a long time ago...

my friend bret wrote this. i understand it so completely well these days:

"there's nothing new about us.

sometimes i think about friends had and lost...it's lame...i just sit here and think about why i was friends with somebody, if i was really friends with somebody, why i'm not still friends with somebody, then it dawned on me:

relationships are about learning. taking and giving. we get ourselves into relationships, be they romantic, platonic, et cetera, to learn, to gain knowledge, to realize ourselves, our goals and our lives better. and once that resource is exhausted in somebody we move on and find the next person or set of people to draw from. it sounds shitty and shallow, but it's the truth. i've gone through countless friends over the years, but only a few have really stuck, and those are the ones i'm still learning from, be it about myself, or them, or some material and tangible thing like biology, or physics...these are the ones that last. it doesn't mean the other ones weren't important, because if they weren't important or dear, we wouldn't even think about them.

it just seems like all we can do is accept the fact that we've learned from somebody, we've taken what we can from them...and hopefully, we've in turn given back everything we could.

when the time is right, or when we're needed, or when we need them...they'll come around again.

i guess when it's all said and done we leave when there's nothing new."




so, no longer will i wait and feel hurt. i will accept that nothing ever really lasts. i will live and continue learning. but, i must admit, we had a good run, didn't we?

i cannot bear...

...to lose another friend to time and distance. i miss my celestial twin.

november meeting.
january chats.
poem exchanges.
depression.
confusion.
support.
admission.
thoughts.
fears.
freedom.
parks.
fireworks.
cloud watching.
jeep top star gazing.
PANCAKES!
being the passenger.
feeling connected.
new dog.
new friends.
distance.
admission.
sadness.
forgiveness.
waiting.

To boldly ask someone--a friend, a stranger, a lover--to abandon apprehension is a large request, as with time it seems that we grow wary of others and protective of our hearts (as we should).

But I envision us not as victims or causalities of love, but survivors hoping to find peace.




You are not an experiment; you are a beautiful person and I am not careless. If anything, I err on the side of caring too much.

Bzz, bzz, bzz

goes the fly around the rotting mango
as I push-pin notes into its supple flesh.

One note reads: I planted a tree in honor of our love!

Another: I had a miscarriage.

You will never read these notes
as we lost touch years ago

and I will plant my paper fruit
next to the tree and pray it offers
strength to our shrine; what we lacked
to keep our love alive.

i have so much to say.

and never know where to begin.

i will begin with a note that i sent to a new friend, regarding communication:


"one of my good friends has an insane conspiracy theorist father who believes the obama initiative is to make everything electric/electronic, from e-books to cars to information to school systems, so that when he is in absolute control of the nation he can pull the plug so that all can be lost.

now, i think he might be nuts, for sure, but part of me thinks, what is wrong with pulling the plug? i mean how was not only our nation but the world founded...on sharing information through story telling and song (this is the most p.g. part of how our nation was founded, you know what the rest was).

in my day-dreaming utopian mind, i think the world sometimes needs to step back and learn how to communicate again, through words, emotions, touch, music, and feeling.

sometimes we rely too heavily on this electronic medium (i mean look at me now! typing away to communicate thought) and forget the people around us as we facebook and text and tweet and blog.

my conundrum is that i love technology, but yearn for intimate exchange with words but find myself so shy. would i even fair well in my utopian dream of real connections? perhaps that is why i am so quiet in general.

___________

this same good friend, the one with the conspiracy theorist father, also tells me that i hide so much of myself from everyone. and he is right. and here i am wanting friendship and love, but i am so guarded. how could anyone properly love me, or i them?

i want all of you to know i am taking risks, starting with honesty. and i can tell you that it is so freeing, albeit heartbreaking too.

i'm not sure i will get everything out of life that i want right now, but i am not going to give up hope that someday it will happen.

_________

on a side note, i want to share some poems, but i am unsure how blogger or i should take responsibility for copyrights.