i tend to be anti-hygiene on snow days. or days off. or during vacations. during the summer months. and in general, when i can get away with it without people noticing my pungent body odor and bitter breath. i really hate showering and brushing my teeth. well, mostly brushing my teeth. in fact, i'm surprised i have any teeth. i recently had my first trip to the dentist this past summer (it had been eight years since my last visit) and to my own disbelief, but teeth were (are) in remarkable shape.
and this isn't a new lazy development in my life. i can remember vividly, not showering for one week during the summer before my junior year. i enjoyed it thoroughly, even though it look like my hair was full of vaseline and vegetable oil.
so why am i blogging about hygiene? well, i had a snow day today and i'm finding myself very thinky and very writey, sprinkled with a hint of boredom (which has already lead to a few meals in the short span of time that i have been a wake: three meals in five hours time, but i'd rather be bored--and hungry--than stressed and starving at work). and if i didn't have to get blood work done this morning (i stop breathing occasionally) i would have preferred to have avoided the washroom altogether. i was very tempted to bring my odor and all its glory to the bloodletting facility down the block, but embarrassment and shame took hold of the rational corner of my brain and i succumbed to evils of hygiene.
on a different note all together, i would like to participate in the new york state summer writers institute (http://cms.skidmore.edu/odsp/programs/arts/writers/index.cfm) this summer. i'm hoping the school i work for will foot the bill.
Showing posts with label ailments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ailments. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
thirteen.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
An old poem.
I.
Today in the bathroom mirror I traced
the outlines of your furrowed visage and (my bleared eyes
brought us back to the living room on Three Kingsboro Avenue:
I, stoned, in that burlap chair.
You, still, on the couch)
the scar that would have been
if your neck had healed.
II.
Today felt like autumn.
Nose ruddy from north winds blowing through Avenue C:
I thought of those silly incantations in October afternoons,
urging drafts to emulsify—vivify
your relics.
III.
Today I read Walt Whitman, in honor of you.
Ruminations of his springs as my falls.
His lilacs, my begonias and grub bugs.
Graybeard's empyrean sky, my garden
where three-quarters of your ashes lie.
[October 2nd, 2003 Notation]
This October marks the beginning of the eighth stanza of my changed life. I am sure I will not 'cease my song for thee' as long as memory persists.
_________________________________________
Erica L. Dow 2003 5:29 AM
Friday, April 11, 2008
in loco parentis.
a colleague of mine has had a pretty rocky year. most are unsympathetic, and by far, the students are the ones who are the most ruthless. why is it, that we as teachers, can be so accommodating and forgiving of all of our students' problems and attitudes, but when we have a "bad" day we are no longer categorized as humans, but as monsters?
how is it that a student can yell at me for something that they did wrong, and not understand the legitimate consequences of his or her own poorly deliberated (and often unhealthy) decisions? why is that my seniors (my favorites), the most mature, the ones closest to plunging into the real world of it all, can be so hurtful?
Monday, April 07, 2008
a funeral.
recently, i read a blog by a talented individual about her experience disposing the artistic extensions of who she was, to embrace the person she is today. her blog made me think about what part of the old me I have been holding on to, even in the latter part of this new decade of age. i thought about whether or not i would have the cojones to rid myself of the only artistic expression that i was once (and maybe still am?) good at, but i’ve come to realize that i could never part with any of my writings, as much of it deals with my own grief regarding my dead father.
i’ve been thinking long and hard about what it is that i would like to bury, in hopes that a new me can grow from the dead weight of the old me. i decided that i would like to bury my silence and submissive attitude.
it has been far too easy for me to be quiet for all these years, silent in my own company, and painfully so in the presence of others. it is far to easy to say nothing even when i do have something to say. and,i do have something to say; i always have something to say. so today i will bury this part of the old me and embrace what it is that is now a part of the new me.
i want to thank this person (and her blog) for sharing her own experience and insight, as it has greatly helped me in discovering that we are all works in progress and that sometimes it is okay to just let go.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
new goal:
honesty, remix:
i will forever remain misunderstood if i allow my voice to be muted for the sake of other peoples' voiced opinions and or feelings. i will never be heard (or read, in this case), if i let my words fall to the knotted pit of my anxious stomach, only to be digested internally with the occasional flare up of heartacheburn. further, my new goal is not intended for the sole purpose of stirring shit up, or to exercise my right to be a bitch. its purpose is to get everything inside of me, out.
Monday, March 24, 2008
an unhealthy relationship with a blog.
my not-so-secret obsession is lurking profiles and reading blogs. this has been a voyeuristic habit of mine since the early days of livejournal. i don’t know what it is about blogs, but i’m hooked beyond a normal degree. i think i enjoy gaining insight to other’s lives, not to fulfill some empty space of dissatisfaction in my own, but perhaps to gauge my day to day experiences and emotions against another’s and, in totality, gauge my own sanity, or the times there is a lack thereof.
i’m obsessed with a local blogger whose life is an absolute fucking train wreck, and i cannot, for the life me, stop reading this person’s blog (and this person is not a "friend" in the myspace sense of the word, or even in the in-real-life sense of the word). i dislike this person with many fibers of my being, so why is it that i am glued to his or her blog? do i enjoy watching his or her plagued life unfold before my eyes? no, because it is beyond anti-climatic. do i wish ill will on he or she? no, because he or she has enough of his or her own to deal with. does this person make me feel secure within my own sanity? a little. i’ll tell you why i’m hooked: i’ve never been witness to such a disaster of a person in my entire life (textually and literally). never have i had such an experience to meet and read about a person who has so little regard for other people--his or her behavior is despicable, dehumanizing, and shamefully ostentatious.
what angers me the most is that the limits of this person’s lack of tact go well beyond personal interactions on a day to day basis--it is broadcast through online social networking sites. and i may be a hypocrite, as i stand a lesson or two in keeping private matters private, but i pride my self in being honest, careful, and somewhat cryptic in my textual deliveries of my somewhat suppressed emotional states.
this person’s blog perpetuates the severe dislike i already had for this person, so why do i willingly and faithfully read this blog on a day to day basis? because it reinforces not only what is wrong with this world, but makes me appreciate all the rights.
Monday, February 25, 2008
i don’t fit in.
and i probably never will. i know this. and, i am perfectly okay with this.
Monday, January 28, 2008
winter thaw.
a few things, which i would like to type out for my future self's sake:
one. i love the warmth and smell of my dingy dog so much it makes my heart melt.
two. i wrote a poem last week, whilst the students were taking part two of the english regents examination.
three. i hate my job.
four. i'm going to attempt writing a book. it will most likely turn out to be a novella. it has everything to do with item number three, but it will be partially fictionalized.
five. scary mansion sounds like cat power. and cat power's new album sucks.
six. i hate your fucking surveys, so stop, please.
seven. i like to make lists.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Sometimes I question my profession...
Current mood: calm.
Currently listening : I’m Sorry That Sometimes I’m Mean
By: Kimya Dawson
Release date: 02 December, 2003
..and what i love.
When I grow up I'd like to be a(n):
Radio jockey.
Veterinarian.
Writer.
Cosmetologist.
Social worker.
Massage therapist.
Actor (again).
As for hobbies, I'd like to:
Volunteer for a local pet rescue.
Be a seller on Ebay.
Learn to play guitar from Jacob.
Construct a four square team or kickball team (high school coach).
Knit.
Monday, October 15, 2007
if you’re racist... that scares me.
if you're sexist, xenophobic, and or homophobic, that scares me too.
scares me into being angry at you. and, not liking you. don't be an idiot.
just sayin'.
Friday, October 12, 2007
black francis and the christmas tree shop.
what the hell happened to black francis? captain pasty is THE WORST song ever.
and, i think the christmas tree shop should be burnt down. ALL of them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
a deer, i hit.
i was very prepared for a long and eventful day. i woke up at ten of five this morning. i coffee'd, i showered, i packed for the gym, i packed for parent-teacher night. i left at around 6:30 this morning. i and my automobile traveled down state street, through the light that intersects 30A. i drove past hussman, and i drove past the forrester's club. and i almost made it to the sign that denotes the change of speed limit from forty miles per hour to fifty-five miles per hour. but, i did not make it, which could have been my saving grace.
a pack of my favorite large-sized furry friends--a mother, a father, and child--traveled across the paved way through the agragian panorama of mayfield. i did not hit the brakes hard, as the road was slick from a damp night. but in this instance brakes would not have stopped me from hitting the stalwart hind-end of one of the deers. all i saw, in my periphery, was the deer flip, as the other two ran off to the sanctity of the woods.
i just remember shaking uncontrollably, but i was not hurt (thankfully).
this experience made me think about why people hunt. it seems so foolish. i feared that the deer i hit would die (a driver of the local transportation system of gloversville, who witnessed the entire scene told me the hit deer ran off). i felt an overwhelming sensation of grief thinking about the more-than-likely-fatally-injured animal and thought: why would anyone purposely kill for sport? it seems so asinine and cruel.
this entry was sort of tangential. for those of you that are worried about me, i'm fine, though my nerves are shot.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Hulk Hogan and Bruce Springsteen.
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Currently listening : Zeitgeist
By: Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: 10 July, 2007
i feel horribly guilty even admitting that when i was much, much younger i yearned for a famous dad. my famous dream dads were: hulk hogan and bruce springsteen. hulk hogan, back in the day seemed so outrageous, yet down to earth. i have recently divorced my dream of having hogan as a dad--his show "hogan knows best" dashed my childhood dreams; he has has become too hollywood and oily (and tan!) and extremely outrageous, to a sickening degree.
bruce, on the other hand, is still unbelievably amazing.
but, neither can compare to the father i lost over twelve years ago.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Working.
Well, I went to work on Monday and promised myself I would return Tuesday and Wednesday. I broke my promise to myself. And here I sit wishing I went in. What prevented me? Sound sleep with dreams of neck biting zombies, sexing snakes, and mentally perverse murderers.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
september twenty-fourth.
[insert picture of laproscopy]
Saturday, July 28, 2007
one of the worst feelings.
at least for me, is to be slighted by loved ones when simple acts of consideration can make all the difference in one's day.
i'm just menstrual, i suppose.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
new doctor.
i finally got a new doctor, as my last appointment with the previous doctor was a train wreck. bad news is that i pretty much have endometriosis. and my cyst is still hanging around. i have an appointment with the new doctor on the first of august. wish me luck.
i missed the lemonheads last saturday, and a joyce carol oates reading at skidmore on the eleventh.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
blogs.
i read them and now i have gone back to reading livejournals too. thank goodness i will be working on kevin's project soon.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Future plans, summer plans.
So I am opting not to teach summer school, as I told my friend Natasha I believe the abuse that summer school represents could be likened to the torture one would receive in the Malebolge of Dante's Inferno. I hope I get to work the days I put in for at the school, as the pay is hella and it is at my leisure and can be done from home (I love the Internet).
So on this list of summer plans slash ideas:
1. A trip to Animal Land (shut up, I want to pet the llamas).
2. THE MOTHER-EFFIN GREAT ESCAPE AND SPLASH WATER KINGDOM.
3. Field hockey summer league in Gloversville or maybe a field hockey team in Albany (which I might add: the first scrimmage is this Sunday at 6:30 at UAlbany, on the turf).
4. Gym membership or some place that offers yoga. I really want to do Bikram yoga on the regular, but I am unaware of where I should actually go.
5. An all ladies trip to a spa in Saratoga.
6. Lotsa horse-ball and bowling.
7. Fixing my Peugeot inner-tube and blazing trails on two wheels throughout the Kingdom of Fulton County.
6. A summer bartending gig (maybe Saratoga). I did bartend in SoHo for two years whilst living in the city. I am no Tom Cruise from Cocktail, but I am fast and can make a innovative cocktail in a minute.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
On seeing a specialist.
All of my doctor experiences in Gloversville, aside from my pediatric care, have been pitiful and confusing: antiquated tools of the trade, as in ultrasound machines from '84 and filing systems on computers older than I (Commodore); cramped dirty rooms; and megalomaniacal local doctors.
What it is inside me is not known. I have a fourth appointment in a month regarding the size of my (it belongs to me; I have taken ownership of this undesirable abnormal character) ovarian cyst, with free flowing browned blood swimming inside. My last appointment the doctor had a "hypothetical" conversation with me regarding endometriosis and my "potential" issues with infertility. All of which was grounded in speculation, as hard evidence in the form of testing does not exist. His solution to my health issue was to sit and wait and agonize for one more month.
I should see a specialist outside of this area.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
on being tired.
it seems these days that if i tell someone i'm tired, the retort i generally receive is "wait 'til you have kids." hi, i have kids. fifty-six of them to be exact. and last year i had eighty seven, and the year before that, over one hundred and five. the way things are going, anatomically speaking, i might not be able to have kids, so one: it bothers me when people say this because of my recent issues with health; and two: it is rude to assume that i don't know the meaning of tired considering my life, personal, and professional interests have everything to do with children and young adults.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
I’m just a quiet person.
I know some of you think I have been quiet and maybe sort of "off" lately. Maybe you think I don't like you because I don't have a lot to say—this is wrong. I'm just a quiet person.
I've never felt comfortable talking around people; I have never felt comfortable with having friends. For more than ten years I have been on my own, for the most part. In high school I had a small group of close friends, but watched those relationships either fade or disintegrate for one reason or another (college, time, distance damage, arguments, et cetera). In college I had one solid friend, but after graduation our relationship became diluted by our post-college interests and careers. My early years in New York City and Boston were clouded with getting to know these new places—and I wasn't in these places long enough to establish any friendships. The last few years in New York yielded one solid friendship with a colleague and since my relocation to upstate we have lost touch too.
I have Jacob and his wonderful family, Tyler, and my family and I am satisfied with these things—and I don't mind sharing the wealth because each are amazing and intoxicating and their energy needs to be shared with others. But, I'm not ready to share too much of myself with anyone outside these things just yet. I'm nervously shy, complicated (who isn't), emotional, and quietly contemplative; I don't want you to confuse these aspects of my personality by equating me with a bitch or think that I am judging you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Memento Mori: Loki
Yesterday, almost home, from my tiring hour commute from work, my mother called to discuss and weep, the decision she and Ron made to put Loki down, as he was very ill during the night. She told me he was euthanized at 10:30 in the morning and they had plans to bury his body (as opposed to shipping him off to an Albany crematorium) just beyond the small tree farm, slightly before the wood of their ever-expansive acreage.
I won't spare the details. My mother woke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and returned to bed. It is customary for Loki to follow anyone he feels the need to protect, even if the distance is a few feet. Both returned to sleep. But Ron woke in the middle of the night startled by a strange smell and woke my mother and they both found Loki lying in a pool of his own tar-like feces. They took him outside so he could eliminate more without embarrassment, cleaned him up, and fixed him up a resting spot in the garage. I doubt if any of them slept.
In the morning my brother brought up his mini-van to transport Loki to the veterinarian. I was told Loki had a large tumor in his stomach and a tumor on his spleen; his blood work was far from copacetic.
We got Loki shortly after my father died. He was the best thing for us at the time, as we no longer could mope about when there was a puppy to look after. He was good for all of us; a good companion that forced us to stop grieving once in a while. He was an integral part of my post-pubescent existence. He was my furry four-legged protector and constant shadow.
After eleven years it is natural for a family to move from one stage of life to other stages. I went to college, moved about the Northeast, settled in New York City for more than three years before moving back Upstate to be closer to my family and to Jacob. My mother found love again, remarried, and relocated a few towns over. My brother has been preserving my childhood memory of "home," found love, and is a loving father of two and a soon-to-be husband. With all the changes in our family dynamic, Loki was our constant—the tangible furry glue of a once three-member family who had lost their fourth. Yesterday I felt like my memories of what used to be, what once was, were gone; that without Loki to remind me of my sixteen year old self and grueling depressive years to follow I would not know what to turn to when memories are needed.
But memories never really expire—the sound of my father's voice faded long ago, but this does not mean I don't remember his words. I will never have that midnight black shadow of Loki to follow me from room to room, but I will never forget him and what he represents in the grander scale of things. But, I will surely miss him; he was a good boy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
ge commercials make me laugh.
they sure do.
i have two doctor's appointments in the next two weeks to clarify the length of my life i'm sure.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
ovarian cyst.
this might be too much information about ms. dow than you would care to know. know this: i have a cyst on one of my ovaries. but, i really think my ovary has sprouted arms and is punching me, repeatedly, in the gut. or it is dancing, drunk, wildly, around my fallopian tube.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Air.
In the very early mornings and in the early evenings I enjoy spending more time in the yard with Tyler. It is because of the air—crisp and intoxicating.
I remember living off of Houston and between Avenue C and D. Waking to the smells of exhaust filtering through my south bound window and walking home from bartending in the wee hours of the morning, disgusted more by the smell of dirty air than the foul sticky smell of dried alcohol and cigarette smoke that clung to my clothes and hair. On Twenty-ninth Street, just off of Fourth Avenue, the same dingy highway-like air made me want to die as my hand griped my inhaler.
Another reason I am happy about my move: air.
Friday, March 23, 2007
also, i like to read blogs.
even if i don't know you. i would read livejournals all day, but now it's myspace blogs. if you have a tracker i'm not stalking you. i just like blogs.
----------
a dream about dying. i had today. and i woke up all tears.
the sequence of the dream images leading up to the "death scene" is confusing, but i ended up in a vestibule of a house, perhaps a rustic cabin. i was accompanied by a host, and at this point it escapes me whether or not this host was human or animal. i'm thinking it was a human, as he (not she) spoke to me in standard american english. i was also surrounded by a grey and white kitten and what i remember to be a rabbit who told me he (yes, he) rode bulls. i do believe the kitten represents the non-verbal communication of love as i was asked to mimic its actions, which of course consisted of nuzzling against me, the host, and the rabbit, whilst purring. the rabbit, who happened to also speak standard american english, told me the hardest challenges he endured in his lifetime was riding bulls. i think this is linked, metaphorically, to the challenges we all have in life (juxtaposed, of course, to what i will now refer to as the "kitten" experience we all long for when faced with tough challenges). the rabbit suggested to me that another good outlet to the feeling associated with being challenged (frustration) is to dance it off. i remember in my dream i closed my eyes and wriggled to a the beat of deep sadness i seem to hold in my heart in my conscious life.
after the lectures, the dancing, and the nuzzling (it happened in this order) my host was about to tell me it was "time to go." i told him i was aware of what was happening (although i am positive he, nor the others, were trying to be tricksy) , even though i did not want to go through with it.
he opened the door to the "outside" world, which of course offered its light to the darkness of the vestibule. i remember i asked my host if it was okay to be scared. he replied that it was perfectly okay to be scared, but assured me there was nothing to be afraid of. i asked him if i would have just as many friends on the other side, to which he replied "of course. you will have as many friends as you need."
before i walked through the threshold, i woke up (crying).
Sunday, March 18, 2007
two excellent movies.
i recommend the following:
brick
and
half nelson
Monday, March 12, 2007
built by wendy.
wendy mullin i love your clothes, but why so pricey? design a line for target.
my wallet hates you wendy.
---------
the tale of the winter piglet. i cannot stop eating. even when i am not hungry i still eat. i dream of ice cream while i eat cookies. of bagels when i eat muffins. food is all i want. all. the. time.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
target and clothes.
when i moved to new york city, four years ago, i discovered the glory of target. i became an avid disciple--namely, for clothes. to this day i still get most of my clothes from target. i am extremely tickled by the the design for all program they have implemented. i have loved all the go designers, save for maybe two (the past winter season selection was disgusting).
i am so happy that proenza schouler is designing affordable (super cheap prices, but great quality) clothes for target. my only issue with them is the season they have chosen to design for. all the vibrant colors make me want to die (save for the purple pencil skirt)--i only wished they designed for the fall season. their fall clothing is amazing (proenza schouler fall 2005)
Saturday, February 10, 2007
mark strand poem
"Coming To This"
We have done what we wanted.
We have discarded dreams, preferring the heavy industry
of each other, and we have welcomed grief
and called ruin the impossible habit to break.
And now we are here.
The dinner is ready and we cannot eat.
The meat sits in the white lake of its dish.
The wine waits.
Coming to this
has its rewards: nothing is promised, nothing is taken away.
We have no heart or saving grace,
no place to go, no reason to remain.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
dog babies and homework.
i was on the couch last night. jacob was doing his homework and i said:
"tyler would be the worst mommy. she'd probably eat her kids."
tyler will never have babies, unless by miracle, which made me sort of sad. maybe she would be a good mother? but, i'm still convinced she'd mouth atleast one of them.
----------
i'm so hungry i could eat ten biggy iggy ice cream sandwiches from stewart's.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Naps.
I haven't been taking them as much as my body yearns for them.
I take them when I am tired.
I take them when I am depressed because I'd rather sleep than tap into hatred.
I take them when I long for company when Jacob is not around. Tyler is warm and snores like Jacob too.
---------
On another note altogether, why do people seem sketchy? Maybe I am paranoid.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
also, a poem rather, an excerpt:
what are words, i want to ask you, what
is clarity and why do words keep burning
a century later, though the earth
weighs so much?
from "a talk with friedrich nietzsche" by adam zagajewski.
--------
antigone. i'm going to watch this movie in the absence of my other half. then i will gouge my eyes out in reverence.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
My Chelsea students...
I just want to say these things: I miss you all (even the ones who drove me nuts--you know who you are) and I am proud of you all. Class of 2008, you are the best group of young adults, ever.
Friday, December 29, 2006
shaking hands with a genius.
i went to applebee's and had kettle (tavern) chips smothered with cheese and bacon. i wish i invented this dish.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
my heart attack.
salmon wrapped in bacon topped with cheese. best. dinner. ever.
atleast today ended on a good note. this weekend was abysmal.
--------
for mary... your profile makes my computer freeze:
[insert absent image of dancing robot]
Saturday, December 09, 2006
friend.
you know, it has been about seven years since i had a good best friend. i had natasha, but after college we grew apart and now she lives in scotland with her husband and dog. i became close with nikki in brooklyn as we lived together, briefly, and co-taught together for two years at chelsea. and here i am, in this bleak town and i feel pretty lonely. maybe that is why i liked living in new york: i was always too busy to be lonely. here i have more time on my hands than i can actually deal with and i find myself sleeping a good chunk of it away because i'm so blah (minus the time spent with jacob).
Saturday, December 02, 2006
esouh.
i want to puke all over myself.
Monday, November 27, 2006
crap carp prac parc arcp
Last night I zoned out during the shittiest movie ever, "The DaVinci Code," and for moments I truly thought I was a clairvoyant, as I seemed to see clearly into my doomy future where I only wore sweatpants, ate noodles with butter, and lamented to Jacob that shampoo and soap should be separate showering entities and or luxuries.
This house shit has my brain on the fritz and I wonder if we can really do this without going stark-raving loonie. I think to myself: "I have to do this; I am twenty seven. I have no babies, I cannot rent forever..I am an adult, right?"
What if I had stayed in Brooklyn? What would it have been like? The traveling would tear us apart. Now that I am here will our obsessive-compulsive, fixative habits make us want to bounce off each other like walking padded rooms, or will we just stick together like glue and have our insecurities co-mingle in an emotional tick-oriented bliss?
I can speculate about what it would have been like to have stayed in Brooklyn, but what I have learned is that love is worth more than a twelve-grand pay cut and feeling severely uncomfortable, socially, in this insular town--it is transcendent.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I should have stayed in Brooklyn.
Sometimes I think this.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Slang.
One thing I miss about being in the city is slang. Someone used the phrase dead-ass in class the other day (in an awkward manner no less--it sounded less like one huffy fast deadass and more like dead-pause-pause-pause-asssssss) and I felt like telling him that phrase is so beat these days. But how would he know? What is hip here was hip more than two years ago down there. I don't even want to get into music or the style of clothes.
Yes, I used the word hip. Shut up.
Friday, October 27, 2006
On Walking Dogs.
Current mood: annoyed
Currently listening: Mule Variations
By: Tom Waits
Release date: 27 April, 1999
Walking dogs should be done, always, with leashes. Aside from my roommates' dog that happens to be the most docile and oblivious dog I know to date, all dogs should be walked with a leash. I will even say that any dog walker walking a dog without a leash is full-fledged moron. My case in point: yesterday afternoon, after arriving at my apartment to pick up some things for a night of grading at JV's while he was in class, I witnessed a small dog (a size-challenged breed I personally abhor) being attacked by to unleashed dogs. If it wasn't bad enough watching a small dog being mauled by some feral-looking, hick-bred dog, compound this image with a wire-hanger abortion scream coming from a young girl still holding onto the leash of her small dog. Then to add to the chaotic cacophony of hell-hound barks and anti-orgasmic screams, picture the potential hick-breeder, but most certainly hick-owner, of these ravenous, feral-looking dogs yelling out commands and kicking about like a Nazi war solider, all of which the dogs did not respond to. I mean, I will admit it: I hate small dogs. There is no room in our Darwinist society for small dogs, but they do exist, sadly, and they should have at least the minimal right to be walked around in a safe environment by owners who should wear no fear against unleashed animals. There is also no room in our Darwinist society for morons, especially those specific types of morons who own dogs and choose not to walk them on leashes. Sadly, these morons exist and I have no solution to remedy the error of their moronic ways, but I sure hope someone does and perhaps their fate will be in the form of some Hades-like Malebolge that awaits them in after-life.
An old poem.
I.
Today in the bathroom mirror I traced
the outlines of your furrowed visage and (my bleared eyes
brought us back to the living room on Three Kingsboro Avenue:
I, stoned, in that burlap chair.
You, still, on the couch)
the scar that would have been
if your neck had healed.
II.
Today felt like autumn.
Nose ruddy from north winds blowing through Avenue C:
I thought of those silly incantations in October afternoons,
urging drafts to emulsify—vivify
your relics.
III.
Today I read Walt Whitman, in honor of you.
Ruminations of his springs as my falls.
His lilacs, my begonias and grub bugs.
Graybeard's empyrean sky, my garden
where three-quarters of your ashes lie.
[October 2nd, 2003 Notation]
This October marks the beginning of the eighth stanza of my changed life. I am sure I will not 'cease my song for thee' as long as memory persists.
_________________________________________
Erica L. Dow 2003 5:29 AM
Friday, April 11, 2008
in loco parentis.
a colleague of mine has had a pretty rocky year. most are unsympathetic, and by far, the students are the ones who are the most ruthless. why is it, that we as teachers, can be so accommodating and forgiving of all of our students' problems and attitudes, but when we have a "bad" day we are no longer categorized as humans, but as monsters?
how is it that a student can yell at me for something that they did wrong, and not understand the legitimate consequences of his or her own poorly deliberated (and often unhealthy) decisions? why is that my seniors (my favorites), the most mature, the ones closest to plunging into the real world of it all, can be so hurtful?
Monday, April 07, 2008
a funeral.
recently, i read a blog by a talented individual about her experience disposing the artistic extensions of who she was, to embrace the person she is today. her blog made me think about what part of the old me I have been holding on to, even in the latter part of this new decade of age. i thought about whether or not i would have the cojones to rid myself of the only artistic expression that i was once (and maybe still am?) good at, but i’ve come to realize that i could never part with any of my writings, as much of it deals with my own grief regarding my dead father.
i’ve been thinking long and hard about what it is that i would like to bury, in hopes that a new me can grow from the dead weight of the old me. i decided that i would like to bury my silence and submissive attitude.
it has been far too easy for me to be quiet for all these years, silent in my own company, and painfully so in the presence of others. it is far to easy to say nothing even when i do have something to say. and,i do have something to say; i always have something to say. so today i will bury this part of the old me and embrace what it is that is now a part of the new me.
i want to thank this person (and her blog) for sharing her own experience and insight, as it has greatly helped me in discovering that we are all works in progress and that sometimes it is okay to just let go.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
new goal:
honesty, remix:
i will forever remain misunderstood if i allow my voice to be muted for the sake of other peoples' voiced opinions and or feelings. i will never be heard (or read, in this case), if i let my words fall to the knotted pit of my anxious stomach, only to be digested internally with the occasional flare up of heartacheburn. further, my new goal is not intended for the sole purpose of stirring shit up, or to exercise my right to be a bitch. its purpose is to get everything inside of me, out.
Monday, March 24, 2008
an unhealthy relationship with a blog.
my not-so-secret obsession is lurking profiles and reading blogs. this has been a voyeuristic habit of mine since the early days of livejournal. i don’t know what it is about blogs, but i’m hooked beyond a normal degree. i think i enjoy gaining insight to other’s lives, not to fulfill some empty space of dissatisfaction in my own, but perhaps to gauge my day to day experiences and emotions against another’s and, in totality, gauge my own sanity, or the times there is a lack thereof.
i’m obsessed with a local blogger whose life is an absolute fucking train wreck, and i cannot, for the life me, stop reading this person’s blog (and this person is not a "friend" in the myspace sense of the word, or even in the in-real-life sense of the word). i dislike this person with many fibers of my being, so why is it that i am glued to his or her blog? do i enjoy watching his or her plagued life unfold before my eyes? no, because it is beyond anti-climatic. do i wish ill will on he or she? no, because he or she has enough of his or her own to deal with. does this person make me feel secure within my own sanity? a little. i’ll tell you why i’m hooked: i’ve never been witness to such a disaster of a person in my entire life (textually and literally). never have i had such an experience to meet and read about a person who has so little regard for other people--his or her behavior is despicable, dehumanizing, and shamefully ostentatious.
what angers me the most is that the limits of this person’s lack of tact go well beyond personal interactions on a day to day basis--it is broadcast through online social networking sites. and i may be a hypocrite, as i stand a lesson or two in keeping private matters private, but i pride my self in being honest, careful, and somewhat cryptic in my textual deliveries of my somewhat suppressed emotional states.
this person’s blog perpetuates the severe dislike i already had for this person, so why do i willingly and faithfully read this blog on a day to day basis? because it reinforces not only what is wrong with this world, but makes me appreciate all the rights.
Monday, February 25, 2008
i don’t fit in.
and i probably never will. i know this. and, i am perfectly okay with this.
Monday, January 28, 2008
winter thaw.
a few things, which i would like to type out for my future self's sake:
one. i love the warmth and smell of my dingy dog so much it makes my heart melt.
two. i wrote a poem last week, whilst the students were taking part two of the english regents examination.
three. i hate my job.
four. i'm going to attempt writing a book. it will most likely turn out to be a novella. it has everything to do with item number three, but it will be partially fictionalized.
five. scary mansion sounds like cat power. and cat power's new album sucks.
six. i hate your fucking surveys, so stop, please.
seven. i like to make lists.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Sometimes I question my profession...
Current mood: calm.
Currently listening : I’m Sorry That Sometimes I’m Mean
By: Kimya Dawson
Release date: 02 December, 2003
..and what i love.
When I grow up I'd like to be a(n):
Radio jockey.
Veterinarian.
Writer.
Cosmetologist.
Social worker.
Massage therapist.
Actor (again).
As for hobbies, I'd like to:
Volunteer for a local pet rescue.
Be a seller on Ebay.
Learn to play guitar from Jacob.
Construct a four square team or kickball team (high school coach).
Knit.
Monday, October 15, 2007
if you’re racist... that scares me.
if you're sexist, xenophobic, and or homophobic, that scares me too.
scares me into being angry at you. and, not liking you. don't be an idiot.
just sayin'.
Friday, October 12, 2007
black francis and the christmas tree shop.
what the hell happened to black francis? captain pasty is THE WORST song ever.
and, i think the christmas tree shop should be burnt down. ALL of them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
a deer, i hit.
i was very prepared for a long and eventful day. i woke up at ten of five this morning. i coffee'd, i showered, i packed for the gym, i packed for parent-teacher night. i left at around 6:30 this morning. i and my automobile traveled down state street, through the light that intersects 30A. i drove past hussman, and i drove past the forrester's club. and i almost made it to the sign that denotes the change of speed limit from forty miles per hour to fifty-five miles per hour. but, i did not make it, which could have been my saving grace.
a pack of my favorite large-sized furry friends--a mother, a father, and child--traveled across the paved way through the agragian panorama of mayfield. i did not hit the brakes hard, as the road was slick from a damp night. but in this instance brakes would not have stopped me from hitting the stalwart hind-end of one of the deers. all i saw, in my periphery, was the deer flip, as the other two ran off to the sanctity of the woods.
i just remember shaking uncontrollably, but i was not hurt (thankfully).
this experience made me think about why people hunt. it seems so foolish. i feared that the deer i hit would die (a driver of the local transportation system of gloversville, who witnessed the entire scene told me the hit deer ran off). i felt an overwhelming sensation of grief thinking about the more-than-likely-fatally-injured animal and thought: why would anyone purposely kill for sport? it seems so asinine and cruel.
this entry was sort of tangential. for those of you that are worried about me, i'm fine, though my nerves are shot.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Hulk Hogan and Bruce Springsteen.
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Currently listening : Zeitgeist
By: Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: 10 July, 2007
i feel horribly guilty even admitting that when i was much, much younger i yearned for a famous dad. my famous dream dads were: hulk hogan and bruce springsteen. hulk hogan, back in the day seemed so outrageous, yet down to earth. i have recently divorced my dream of having hogan as a dad--his show "hogan knows best" dashed my childhood dreams; he has has become too hollywood and oily (and tan!) and extremely outrageous, to a sickening degree.
bruce, on the other hand, is still unbelievably amazing.
but, neither can compare to the father i lost over twelve years ago.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Working.
Well, I went to work on Monday and promised myself I would return Tuesday and Wednesday. I broke my promise to myself. And here I sit wishing I went in. What prevented me? Sound sleep with dreams of neck biting zombies, sexing snakes, and mentally perverse murderers.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
september twenty-fourth.
[insert picture of laproscopy]
Saturday, July 28, 2007
one of the worst feelings.
at least for me, is to be slighted by loved ones when simple acts of consideration can make all the difference in one's day.
i'm just menstrual, i suppose.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
new doctor.
i finally got a new doctor, as my last appointment with the previous doctor was a train wreck. bad news is that i pretty much have endometriosis. and my cyst is still hanging around. i have an appointment with the new doctor on the first of august. wish me luck.
i missed the lemonheads last saturday, and a joyce carol oates reading at skidmore on the eleventh.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
blogs.
i read them and now i have gone back to reading livejournals too. thank goodness i will be working on kevin's project soon.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Future plans, summer plans.
So I am opting not to teach summer school, as I told my friend Natasha I believe the abuse that summer school represents could be likened to the torture one would receive in the Malebolge of Dante's Inferno. I hope I get to work the days I put in for at the school, as the pay is hella and it is at my leisure and can be done from home (I love the Internet).
So on this list of summer plans slash ideas:
1. A trip to Animal Land (shut up, I want to pet the llamas).
2. THE MOTHER-EFFIN GREAT ESCAPE AND SPLASH WATER KINGDOM.
3. Field hockey summer league in Gloversville or maybe a field hockey team in Albany (which I might add: the first scrimmage is this Sunday at 6:30 at UAlbany, on the turf).
4. Gym membership or some place that offers yoga. I really want to do Bikram yoga on the regular, but I am unaware of where I should actually go.
5. An all ladies trip to a spa in Saratoga.
6. Lotsa horse-ball and bowling.
7. Fixing my Peugeot inner-tube and blazing trails on two wheels throughout the Kingdom of Fulton County.
6. A summer bartending gig (maybe Saratoga). I did bartend in SoHo for two years whilst living in the city. I am no Tom Cruise from Cocktail, but I am fast and can make a innovative cocktail in a minute.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
On seeing a specialist.
All of my doctor experiences in Gloversville, aside from my pediatric care, have been pitiful and confusing: antiquated tools of the trade, as in ultrasound machines from '84 and filing systems on computers older than I (Commodore); cramped dirty rooms; and megalomaniacal local doctors.
What it is inside me is not known. I have a fourth appointment in a month regarding the size of my (it belongs to me; I have taken ownership of this undesirable abnormal character) ovarian cyst, with free flowing browned blood swimming inside. My last appointment the doctor had a "hypothetical" conversation with me regarding endometriosis and my "potential" issues with infertility. All of which was grounded in speculation, as hard evidence in the form of testing does not exist. His solution to my health issue was to sit and wait and agonize for one more month.
I should see a specialist outside of this area.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
on being tired.
it seems these days that if i tell someone i'm tired, the retort i generally receive is "wait 'til you have kids." hi, i have kids. fifty-six of them to be exact. and last year i had eighty seven, and the year before that, over one hundred and five. the way things are going, anatomically speaking, i might not be able to have kids, so one: it bothers me when people say this because of my recent issues with health; and two: it is rude to assume that i don't know the meaning of tired considering my life, personal, and professional interests have everything to do with children and young adults.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
I’m just a quiet person.
I know some of you think I have been quiet and maybe sort of "off" lately. Maybe you think I don't like you because I don't have a lot to say—this is wrong. I'm just a quiet person.
I've never felt comfortable talking around people; I have never felt comfortable with having friends. For more than ten years I have been on my own, for the most part. In high school I had a small group of close friends, but watched those relationships either fade or disintegrate for one reason or another (college, time, distance damage, arguments, et cetera). In college I had one solid friend, but after graduation our relationship became diluted by our post-college interests and careers. My early years in New York City and Boston were clouded with getting to know these new places—and I wasn't in these places long enough to establish any friendships. The last few years in New York yielded one solid friendship with a colleague and since my relocation to upstate we have lost touch too.
I have Jacob and his wonderful family, Tyler, and my family and I am satisfied with these things—and I don't mind sharing the wealth because each are amazing and intoxicating and their energy needs to be shared with others. But, I'm not ready to share too much of myself with anyone outside these things just yet. I'm nervously shy, complicated (who isn't), emotional, and quietly contemplative; I don't want you to confuse these aspects of my personality by equating me with a bitch or think that I am judging you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Memento Mori: Loki
Yesterday, almost home, from my tiring hour commute from work, my mother called to discuss and weep, the decision she and Ron made to put Loki down, as he was very ill during the night. She told me he was euthanized at 10:30 in the morning and they had plans to bury his body (as opposed to shipping him off to an Albany crematorium) just beyond the small tree farm, slightly before the wood of their ever-expansive acreage.
I won't spare the details. My mother woke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and returned to bed. It is customary for Loki to follow anyone he feels the need to protect, even if the distance is a few feet. Both returned to sleep. But Ron woke in the middle of the night startled by a strange smell and woke my mother and they both found Loki lying in a pool of his own tar-like feces. They took him outside so he could eliminate more without embarrassment, cleaned him up, and fixed him up a resting spot in the garage. I doubt if any of them slept.
In the morning my brother brought up his mini-van to transport Loki to the veterinarian. I was told Loki had a large tumor in his stomach and a tumor on his spleen; his blood work was far from copacetic.
We got Loki shortly after my father died. He was the best thing for us at the time, as we no longer could mope about when there was a puppy to look after. He was good for all of us; a good companion that forced us to stop grieving once in a while. He was an integral part of my post-pubescent existence. He was my furry four-legged protector and constant shadow.
After eleven years it is natural for a family to move from one stage of life to other stages. I went to college, moved about the Northeast, settled in New York City for more than three years before moving back Upstate to be closer to my family and to Jacob. My mother found love again, remarried, and relocated a few towns over. My brother has been preserving my childhood memory of "home," found love, and is a loving father of two and a soon-to-be husband. With all the changes in our family dynamic, Loki was our constant—the tangible furry glue of a once three-member family who had lost their fourth. Yesterday I felt like my memories of what used to be, what once was, were gone; that without Loki to remind me of my sixteen year old self and grueling depressive years to follow I would not know what to turn to when memories are needed.
But memories never really expire—the sound of my father's voice faded long ago, but this does not mean I don't remember his words. I will never have that midnight black shadow of Loki to follow me from room to room, but I will never forget him and what he represents in the grander scale of things. But, I will surely miss him; he was a good boy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
ge commercials make me laugh.
they sure do.
i have two doctor's appointments in the next two weeks to clarify the length of my life i'm sure.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
ovarian cyst.
this might be too much information about ms. dow than you would care to know. know this: i have a cyst on one of my ovaries. but, i really think my ovary has sprouted arms and is punching me, repeatedly, in the gut. or it is dancing, drunk, wildly, around my fallopian tube.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Air.
In the very early mornings and in the early evenings I enjoy spending more time in the yard with Tyler. It is because of the air—crisp and intoxicating.
I remember living off of Houston and between Avenue C and D. Waking to the smells of exhaust filtering through my south bound window and walking home from bartending in the wee hours of the morning, disgusted more by the smell of dirty air than the foul sticky smell of dried alcohol and cigarette smoke that clung to my clothes and hair. On Twenty-ninth Street, just off of Fourth Avenue, the same dingy highway-like air made me want to die as my hand griped my inhaler.
Another reason I am happy about my move: air.
Friday, March 23, 2007
also, i like to read blogs.
even if i don't know you. i would read livejournals all day, but now it's myspace blogs. if you have a tracker i'm not stalking you. i just like blogs.
----------
a dream about dying. i had today. and i woke up all tears.
the sequence of the dream images leading up to the "death scene" is confusing, but i ended up in a vestibule of a house, perhaps a rustic cabin. i was accompanied by a host, and at this point it escapes me whether or not this host was human or animal. i'm thinking it was a human, as he (not she) spoke to me in standard american english. i was also surrounded by a grey and white kitten and what i remember to be a rabbit who told me he (yes, he) rode bulls. i do believe the kitten represents the non-verbal communication of love as i was asked to mimic its actions, which of course consisted of nuzzling against me, the host, and the rabbit, whilst purring. the rabbit, who happened to also speak standard american english, told me the hardest challenges he endured in his lifetime was riding bulls. i think this is linked, metaphorically, to the challenges we all have in life (juxtaposed, of course, to what i will now refer to as the "kitten" experience we all long for when faced with tough challenges). the rabbit suggested to me that another good outlet to the feeling associated with being challenged (frustration) is to dance it off. i remember in my dream i closed my eyes and wriggled to a the beat of deep sadness i seem to hold in my heart in my conscious life.
after the lectures, the dancing, and the nuzzling (it happened in this order) my host was about to tell me it was "time to go." i told him i was aware of what was happening (although i am positive he, nor the others, were trying to be tricksy) , even though i did not want to go through with it.
he opened the door to the "outside" world, which of course offered its light to the darkness of the vestibule. i remember i asked my host if it was okay to be scared. he replied that it was perfectly okay to be scared, but assured me there was nothing to be afraid of. i asked him if i would have just as many friends on the other side, to which he replied "of course. you will have as many friends as you need."
before i walked through the threshold, i woke up (crying).
Sunday, March 18, 2007
two excellent movies.
i recommend the following:
brick
and
half nelson
Monday, March 12, 2007
built by wendy.
wendy mullin i love your clothes, but why so pricey? design a line for target.
my wallet hates you wendy.
---------
the tale of the winter piglet. i cannot stop eating. even when i am not hungry i still eat. i dream of ice cream while i eat cookies. of bagels when i eat muffins. food is all i want. all. the. time.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
target and clothes.
when i moved to new york city, four years ago, i discovered the glory of target. i became an avid disciple--namely, for clothes. to this day i still get most of my clothes from target. i am extremely tickled by the the design for all program they have implemented. i have loved all the go designers, save for maybe two (the past winter season selection was disgusting).
i am so happy that proenza schouler is designing affordable (super cheap prices, but great quality) clothes for target. my only issue with them is the season they have chosen to design for. all the vibrant colors make me want to die (save for the purple pencil skirt)--i only wished they designed for the fall season. their fall clothing is amazing (proenza schouler fall 2005)
Saturday, February 10, 2007
mark strand poem
"Coming To This"
We have done what we wanted.
We have discarded dreams, preferring the heavy industry
of each other, and we have welcomed grief
and called ruin the impossible habit to break.
And now we are here.
The dinner is ready and we cannot eat.
The meat sits in the white lake of its dish.
The wine waits.
Coming to this
has its rewards: nothing is promised, nothing is taken away.
We have no heart or saving grace,
no place to go, no reason to remain.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
dog babies and homework.
i was on the couch last night. jacob was doing his homework and i said:
"tyler would be the worst mommy. she'd probably eat her kids."
tyler will never have babies, unless by miracle, which made me sort of sad. maybe she would be a good mother? but, i'm still convinced she'd mouth atleast one of them.
----------
i'm so hungry i could eat ten biggy iggy ice cream sandwiches from stewart's.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Naps.
I haven't been taking them as much as my body yearns for them.
I take them when I am tired.
I take them when I am depressed because I'd rather sleep than tap into hatred.
I take them when I long for company when Jacob is not around. Tyler is warm and snores like Jacob too.
---------
On another note altogether, why do people seem sketchy? Maybe I am paranoid.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
also, a poem rather, an excerpt:
what are words, i want to ask you, what
is clarity and why do words keep burning
a century later, though the earth
weighs so much?
from "a talk with friedrich nietzsche" by adam zagajewski.
--------
antigone. i'm going to watch this movie in the absence of my other half. then i will gouge my eyes out in reverence.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
My Chelsea students...
I just want to say these things: I miss you all (even the ones who drove me nuts--you know who you are) and I am proud of you all. Class of 2008, you are the best group of young adults, ever.
Friday, December 29, 2006
shaking hands with a genius.
i went to applebee's and had kettle (tavern) chips smothered with cheese and bacon. i wish i invented this dish.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
my heart attack.
salmon wrapped in bacon topped with cheese. best. dinner. ever.
atleast today ended on a good note. this weekend was abysmal.
--------
for mary... your profile makes my computer freeze:
[insert absent image of dancing robot]
Saturday, December 09, 2006
friend.
you know, it has been about seven years since i had a good best friend. i had natasha, but after college we grew apart and now she lives in scotland with her husband and dog. i became close with nikki in brooklyn as we lived together, briefly, and co-taught together for two years at chelsea. and here i am, in this bleak town and i feel pretty lonely. maybe that is why i liked living in new york: i was always too busy to be lonely. here i have more time on my hands than i can actually deal with and i find myself sleeping a good chunk of it away because i'm so blah (minus the time spent with jacob).
Saturday, December 02, 2006
esouh.
i want to puke all over myself.
Monday, November 27, 2006
crap carp prac parc arcp
Last night I zoned out during the shittiest movie ever, "The DaVinci Code," and for moments I truly thought I was a clairvoyant, as I seemed to see clearly into my doomy future where I only wore sweatpants, ate noodles with butter, and lamented to Jacob that shampoo and soap should be separate showering entities and or luxuries.
This house shit has my brain on the fritz and I wonder if we can really do this without going stark-raving loonie. I think to myself: "I have to do this; I am twenty seven. I have no babies, I cannot rent forever..I am an adult, right?"
What if I had stayed in Brooklyn? What would it have been like? The traveling would tear us apart. Now that I am here will our obsessive-compulsive, fixative habits make us want to bounce off each other like walking padded rooms, or will we just stick together like glue and have our insecurities co-mingle in an emotional tick-oriented bliss?
I can speculate about what it would have been like to have stayed in Brooklyn, but what I have learned is that love is worth more than a twelve-grand pay cut and feeling severely uncomfortable, socially, in this insular town--it is transcendent.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I should have stayed in Brooklyn.
Sometimes I think this.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Slang.
One thing I miss about being in the city is slang. Someone used the phrase dead-ass in class the other day (in an awkward manner no less--it sounded less like one huffy fast deadass and more like dead-pause-pause-pause-asssssss) and I felt like telling him that phrase is so beat these days. But how would he know? What is hip here was hip more than two years ago down there. I don't even want to get into music or the style of clothes.
Yes, I used the word hip. Shut up.
Friday, October 27, 2006
On Walking Dogs.
Current mood: annoyed
Currently listening: Mule Variations
By: Tom Waits
Release date: 27 April, 1999
Walking dogs should be done, always, with leashes. Aside from my roommates' dog that happens to be the most docile and oblivious dog I know to date, all dogs should be walked with a leash. I will even say that any dog walker walking a dog without a leash is full-fledged moron. My case in point: yesterday afternoon, after arriving at my apartment to pick up some things for a night of grading at JV's while he was in class, I witnessed a small dog (a size-challenged breed I personally abhor) being attacked by to unleashed dogs. If it wasn't bad enough watching a small dog being mauled by some feral-looking, hick-bred dog, compound this image with a wire-hanger abortion scream coming from a young girl still holding onto the leash of her small dog. Then to add to the chaotic cacophony of hell-hound barks and anti-orgasmic screams, picture the potential hick-breeder, but most certainly hick-owner, of these ravenous, feral-looking dogs yelling out commands and kicking about like a Nazi war solider, all of which the dogs did not respond to. I mean, I will admit it: I hate small dogs. There is no room in our Darwinist society for small dogs, but they do exist, sadly, and they should have at least the minimal right to be walked around in a safe environment by owners who should wear no fear against unleashed animals. There is also no room in our Darwinist society for morons, especially those specific types of morons who own dogs and choose not to walk them on leashes. Sadly, these morons exist and I have no solution to remedy the error of their moronic ways, but I sure hope someone does and perhaps their fate will be in the form of some Hades-like Malebolge that awaits them in after-life.
twelve.
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
Subject: tyler.
Time: 10:34 am.
tyler is the most excellent travel mate. she doesn't even need to stop to use the restroom on a five hour trip (it takes five hours on friday afternoons, go figure). she nevers asks "are we there yet?" she has been traveling with me for the last four to five weekends in a row and i must say she has adjusted well in her new environments. she loves running around like a chicken with his or her head cut off when we visit my mum (who happens to live in the boonies with a ton of acreage). she adjusted well when staying with jacob when nikki's kitchen ceiling decided to leak (more like a biblical deluge). she liked forty seven south kingsboro, but my roommates and i did not, but i'm sure she will love litauer place as it has a backyard too.
i've been wrestling with the idea of leaving new york for good, which has everything to do with my salary increase and potential to save more money here in new york city rather than there, upstate. pay is poor in upstate, even with a masters. some areas do pay well and it is those areas which i will be calling this week to check in regarding my resume and for interviews.
if i stay here in brooklyn i sacrifice my sanity to certain degrees at the expense of amassing my income for a move the following year.
why do i want to move back upstate? general peace of mind, my mother, a house, aunt duties, tyler, new and old friends, teaching kids who want to learn (socio-ecomomics are the same, cultural diversity is not), a certain ten year reunion (not what you are thinking, yes, i'm being cryptic).
why should i stay here? job stability, tenure, ten grand pay increase, teaching what i want (i think they are bribing me), friends.
i'm leaving this thursday. i'll be back here and there throughout the summer to visit.
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
Time: 7:22 am.
+job interview
-poor pay
+donated hair
-no ponytails
+new summer rental
-old slumlords in bleeker
there are more good things to list than bad, but because my ocd is symmetrical i cannot continue this list.
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
Subject: sometimes...
Time: 7:14 pm.
quiet people get loud. sad.
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
Time: 5:51 pm.
bitter cold days make me yearn for long naps.
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
Subject: erica, wait and see what the vet says, your not a doctor
Time: 9:18 am.
so, boxers are prone to vaginitis, for a myriad of reasons. tyler had a bout with vaginitis after her spay surgery, as a result of a possible mild infection, or a reaction to foreign objects within her body (dissolvable sutures).
tyler has had great difficulty with healing properly from her spay surgery, as the sutures are not dissolving as they should (for some dogs, not just tyler, some sutures never dissolve and need to be removed). one month ago a blister developed on tyler's spay incision site and the vet popped the blister with a needle and removed, with her fingers, several sutures.
now, it looks as if tyler is on the verge of developing another blister, atop of a knotty area (scar tissue, hematoma whatever) on her incision site, and we are taking her to the vet, again, to see what's up.
i believe she has an infection, as her vaginitis has returned. for the last two weeks tyler will wake in the middle of the night to lick her hind end and the sheets to which her hind end discharged some liquids. and the presence of a strong ammonia scent exists. and i notice the presence, during the day, of a greenish-whitish goo on her female bits :(
with vaginitis can come incontinence. licking her rear and then cleaning her groin area might have caused a mild rash in her groin. and i wonder if this rash is a urine scald.
i'll kept you posted (did you want to gag a few times?)!
love,
dr. mom
Friday, November 11th, 2005
Subject: hi.
Time: 1:57 pm.
today, i have off.
and i'm sitting around with tired tyler. with dirty hair and yankees hat. in four days i will be twenty-six. i'm unhappy, still, with my place of employment. and as i tyed that previous sentence i felt my jaw clench, teeth grind.
i'm reading this young adult text, crank. it is very interesting.
i bought my dog therasticks with st. john's wort and i would like them to arrive so i can try one. as i feel a need to gnaw and chew to soothe.
twenty six! where does the time go :(
also, lately, i yearn for bologna sandwiches with yellow mustard.
help me find the origin of my last name, would you?
i miss some of you.
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
Subject: i have a new i book.
Time: 9:01 am.
it's nice to travel about the house again with a little companion. i fear tyler jumping about it, so i've been walking around cradling the white mass like a newborn.
so i'm pretty excited about the new depeche mode. shut up.
also i secretly like david gray. any comments from the peanut gallery?
i have to think about what i'm going to do next year, because at this point i want to quit. maybe i just need to teach at a different school?
this summer, though, i'm going to participate in another theatre intensive and i WILL get some headshots done (how many times have i said this?).
over and out for now lovies <3.
Saturday, October 15th, 2005
Subject: :(
Time: 9:39 am.
Pure Nerd
65 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 47% Dork
For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.
The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.
Congratulations!
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
Subject: i hate.
Time: 4:40 pm.
people who feel that they are the object of prejudice, who are prejudiced (and project it loud and clear) too.
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
Subject: I HAVE A NEW DOG.
Time: 10:05 pm.
FYI.
SHE LIKES TO DROP THE HOT PRETZEL FOUR TIMES A DAY.
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
Subject: i hate philosophy.
Time: 6:09 pm.
because of the logic and illogic.
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
Subject: i have been at my mum's since wednesday.
Time: 10:44 pm.
and i'm leaving tomorrow. i have had a pleasant and relaxing time. with her. and loki. and allen's dog andre. loki was very protective of me the entire time, and jealous of andre as well. it only makes me want a dog more. there is nothing better than running around with dogs on summer days, and lounging on carpeted floors watching the news on a dog's back as a pillow.
my mum says to me : "erica, if you get a dog, how will you travel?"
good question. i need to research amtrak policies for transporting animals.
i really didn't do much other than relax, write papers, and take in clean upstate (humid) air. i will miss it when i leave tomorrow--but i have someone i need to come home to.
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
Time: 2:03 pm.
meat cleaver and peach trees.
and a new old bike!
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
Subject: oh, some things.
Time: 7:22 am.
I have a friend by the name of Carlo. My mother fondly refers to him as Carlos. Every time I hear that s, I grow a new white hair. I know she is not trying to offer any disrespect to Carlo’s name, she just has a penchant to pluralize nouns. For example Wal-Mart becomes Wal-Marts and Hannaford becomes Hannafords (it is a supermarket upstate).
I thought about how she does this and decided that maybe she is right: singular nouns are useless in most cases; nouns are much better when there are more than one. For example cake should not be cake. It should be cakes (who doesn’t like more than one cake…I’ll fight anyone with one leg and arm tied behind my back).
Here is a running list of nouns that should be permanently pluralized (more to come):
Cheeses
Puppies
Unicorns
Blue Cheese Dressings
Naps
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
Subject: summer of fun.
Time: 9:05 pm.
i am so going to win at life at pete's candy store and matchless this summer.
join me.
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
Subject: o! i am a girl.
Time: 9:27 am.
i have two more days of work.
list:
house.
a dog like roxy or lilly.
wardrobe exclusively jessica ogden.
field hockey club.
running.
biking.
louie g's everyday.
a new hair style.
Monday, June 13th, 2005
Subject: will i love laundry service?
Time: 9:54 pm.
i will tell you when i get the bill!
Sunday, May 29th, 2005
Time: 8:04 pm.
what are you doing up, human league?
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
Subject: i'm watching bruce.
Time: 8:46 pm.
that pink pool of a rug with hair and crumbs swimming about. laying in starchy shorts with dry knees and elbows, t-shirt, bad hair cut, age ten, mute to most anything except for the occasional conversation with myself, in front of a hand-me-down stereo system with two tape decks, one for playing, the other recording, staring at these black tapes.
bruce springsteen live, 1985? 1989?
muffled masculine voice similar to my father's (not his singing voice, because he could carry a tune like i can carry a two hundred pound man) coming through the old speakers. muffled because the tape is worn, without a cover (for ages?), muffled by cries from the crowd.
and i've been watching bruce on vh1 classics for the last four hours. i just bought his new compact disc. and i can only think of my father.
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
Subject: school has made me.
Time: 2:40 pm.
serious(ly).
[insert erased flickr image of me with a serious face]
hungry.
[insert erased flickr image of adam and i in a subway station]
Subject: tyler.
Time: 10:34 am.
tyler is the most excellent travel mate. she doesn't even need to stop to use the restroom on a five hour trip (it takes five hours on friday afternoons, go figure). she nevers asks "are we there yet?" she has been traveling with me for the last four to five weekends in a row and i must say she has adjusted well in her new environments. she loves running around like a chicken with his or her head cut off when we visit my mum (who happens to live in the boonies with a ton of acreage). she adjusted well when staying with jacob when nikki's kitchen ceiling decided to leak (more like a biblical deluge). she liked forty seven south kingsboro, but my roommates and i did not, but i'm sure she will love litauer place as it has a backyard too.
i've been wrestling with the idea of leaving new york for good, which has everything to do with my salary increase and potential to save more money here in new york city rather than there, upstate. pay is poor in upstate, even with a masters. some areas do pay well and it is those areas which i will be calling this week to check in regarding my resume and for interviews.
if i stay here in brooklyn i sacrifice my sanity to certain degrees at the expense of amassing my income for a move the following year.
why do i want to move back upstate? general peace of mind, my mother, a house, aunt duties, tyler, new and old friends, teaching kids who want to learn (socio-ecomomics are the same, cultural diversity is not), a certain ten year reunion (not what you are thinking, yes, i'm being cryptic).
why should i stay here? job stability, tenure, ten grand pay increase, teaching what i want (i think they are bribing me), friends.
i'm leaving this thursday. i'll be back here and there throughout the summer to visit.
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
Time: 7:22 am.
+job interview
-poor pay
+donated hair
-no ponytails
+new summer rental
-old slumlords in bleeker
there are more good things to list than bad, but because my ocd is symmetrical i cannot continue this list.
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
Subject: sometimes...
Time: 7:14 pm.
quiet people get loud. sad.
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
Time: 5:51 pm.
bitter cold days make me yearn for long naps.
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
Subject: erica, wait and see what the vet says, your not a doctor
Time: 9:18 am.
so, boxers are prone to vaginitis, for a myriad of reasons. tyler had a bout with vaginitis after her spay surgery, as a result of a possible mild infection, or a reaction to foreign objects within her body (dissolvable sutures).
tyler has had great difficulty with healing properly from her spay surgery, as the sutures are not dissolving as they should (for some dogs, not just tyler, some sutures never dissolve and need to be removed). one month ago a blister developed on tyler's spay incision site and the vet popped the blister with a needle and removed, with her fingers, several sutures.
now, it looks as if tyler is on the verge of developing another blister, atop of a knotty area (scar tissue, hematoma whatever) on her incision site, and we are taking her to the vet, again, to see what's up.
i believe she has an infection, as her vaginitis has returned. for the last two weeks tyler will wake in the middle of the night to lick her hind end and the sheets to which her hind end discharged some liquids. and the presence of a strong ammonia scent exists. and i notice the presence, during the day, of a greenish-whitish goo on her female bits :(
with vaginitis can come incontinence. licking her rear and then cleaning her groin area might have caused a mild rash in her groin. and i wonder if this rash is a urine scald.
i'll kept you posted (did you want to gag a few times?)!
love,
dr. mom
Friday, November 11th, 2005
Subject: hi.
Time: 1:57 pm.
today, i have off.
and i'm sitting around with tired tyler. with dirty hair and yankees hat. in four days i will be twenty-six. i'm unhappy, still, with my place of employment. and as i tyed that previous sentence i felt my jaw clench, teeth grind.
i'm reading this young adult text, crank. it is very interesting.
i bought my dog therasticks with st. john's wort and i would like them to arrive so i can try one. as i feel a need to gnaw and chew to soothe.
twenty six! where does the time go :(
also, lately, i yearn for bologna sandwiches with yellow mustard.
help me find the origin of my last name, would you?
i miss some of you.
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
Subject: i have a new i book.
Time: 9:01 am.
it's nice to travel about the house again with a little companion. i fear tyler jumping about it, so i've been walking around cradling the white mass like a newborn.
so i'm pretty excited about the new depeche mode. shut up.
also i secretly like david gray. any comments from the peanut gallery?
i have to think about what i'm going to do next year, because at this point i want to quit. maybe i just need to teach at a different school?
this summer, though, i'm going to participate in another theatre intensive and i WILL get some headshots done (how many times have i said this?).
over and out for now lovies <3.
Saturday, October 15th, 2005
Subject: :(
Time: 9:39 am.
Pure Nerd
65 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 47% Dork
For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.
The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.
Congratulations!
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
Subject: i hate.
Time: 4:40 pm.
people who feel that they are the object of prejudice, who are prejudiced (and project it loud and clear) too.
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
Subject: I HAVE A NEW DOG.
Time: 10:05 pm.
FYI.
SHE LIKES TO DROP THE HOT PRETZEL FOUR TIMES A DAY.
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
Subject: i hate philosophy.
Time: 6:09 pm.
because of the logic and illogic.
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
Subject: i have been at my mum's since wednesday.
Time: 10:44 pm.
and i'm leaving tomorrow. i have had a pleasant and relaxing time. with her. and loki. and allen's dog andre. loki was very protective of me the entire time, and jealous of andre as well. it only makes me want a dog more. there is nothing better than running around with dogs on summer days, and lounging on carpeted floors watching the news on a dog's back as a pillow.
my mum says to me : "erica, if you get a dog, how will you travel?"
good question. i need to research amtrak policies for transporting animals.
i really didn't do much other than relax, write papers, and take in clean upstate (humid) air. i will miss it when i leave tomorrow--but i have someone i need to come home to.
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
Time: 2:03 pm.
meat cleaver and peach trees.
and a new old bike!
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
Subject: oh, some things.
Time: 7:22 am.
I have a friend by the name of Carlo. My mother fondly refers to him as Carlos. Every time I hear that s, I grow a new white hair. I know she is not trying to offer any disrespect to Carlo’s name, she just has a penchant to pluralize nouns. For example Wal-Mart becomes Wal-Marts and Hannaford becomes Hannafords (it is a supermarket upstate).
I thought about how she does this and decided that maybe she is right: singular nouns are useless in most cases; nouns are much better when there are more than one. For example cake should not be cake. It should be cakes (who doesn’t like more than one cake…I’ll fight anyone with one leg and arm tied behind my back).
Here is a running list of nouns that should be permanently pluralized (more to come):
Cheeses
Puppies
Unicorns
Blue Cheese Dressings
Naps
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
Subject: summer of fun.
Time: 9:05 pm.
i am so going to win at life at pete's candy store and matchless this summer.
join me.
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
Subject: o! i am a girl.
Time: 9:27 am.
i have two more days of work.
list:
house.
a dog like roxy or lilly.
wardrobe exclusively jessica ogden.
field hockey club.
running.
biking.
louie g's everyday.
a new hair style.
Monday, June 13th, 2005
Subject: will i love laundry service?
Time: 9:54 pm.
i will tell you when i get the bill!
Sunday, May 29th, 2005
Time: 8:04 pm.
what are you doing up, human league?
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
Subject: i'm watching bruce.
Time: 8:46 pm.
that pink pool of a rug with hair and crumbs swimming about. laying in starchy shorts with dry knees and elbows, t-shirt, bad hair cut, age ten, mute to most anything except for the occasional conversation with myself, in front of a hand-me-down stereo system with two tape decks, one for playing, the other recording, staring at these black tapes.
bruce springsteen live, 1985? 1989?
muffled masculine voice similar to my father's (not his singing voice, because he could carry a tune like i can carry a two hundred pound man) coming through the old speakers. muffled because the tape is worn, without a cover (for ages?), muffled by cries from the crowd.
and i've been watching bruce on vh1 classics for the last four hours. i just bought his new compact disc. and i can only think of my father.
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
Subject: school has made me.
Time: 2:40 pm.
serious(ly).
[insert erased flickr image of me with a serious face]
hungry.
[insert erased flickr image of adam and i in a subway station]
six.
Sunday, February 15th, 2004
Subject: saturday.
Time: 11:09 pm.
Mood: scattered..
Music: cunninglynguists.
friday was fun. i can't say that fun has been apart of my life as of late, so it was a welcome change.
what was not fun was losing my phone. i remember sticking it in my bag before i left the apartment. when i returned around the time of three in the morning, i reached in my bag with the intention of texting a well wishing message, and the phone just wasn't there.
i told richie that i practiced good cellular phone manners on my outing. and maybe if i hadn't i would have known at some point (before three)that it was missing. so i trekked over to mona's and joey's and they don't have the fucker.
all day i've been trying to hone in my telepathic powers.
if you heard, in your mind, a knock-knock, it was me. let me in.
i do things sometimes until ad nauseum. like cleaning. or plucking out my white hairs. itching. tossing about in my bed. i do it until my jaw is so tense i get a headache and i want to puke all over my kicks. when did this all begin. will it ever end. i mean, it's hard to think of rainbows and candy and bunnies all the time.
Friday, February 13th, 2004
Subject: my hardest year.
Time: 3:42 pm.
fall filled with warafin. late arrivals to my acient greek seminar. bruised arms and tired eyes. a full load. a mainstage. a job. shit-fucks for roommates. january term filled with black text to white blank paper not wanting to be filled because of fear. a spring to finish that play. direct that play. set, light, sound design for another play. full course load. another mainstage. and filling last minute requirements.
i still got a 3.83 for that year.
when i called the mathematician in the registrar office today to sort out my individual year grade point averages, i started to cry a little. i re-lived that shit-year in a nanosecond separted by cellular phone static, three hunderd miles, and two years.
but somehow i got by, and for that i'm proud (which also made me cry a little).
so both are done. i sent the second in today. i will know the verdicts in two weeks. wish me luck.
also, my notebook is rad.
Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
Subject: one is done and sent.
Time: 11:27 pm.
the other, soon to follow.
seriously, who did the double-checking mathematics on my transcripts?
my train leaves at eleven tomorrow morning. i have a lot to do when i get back.
things i've learned:
that i am afraid of coy-dogs.
that denting out a jar of peanut-butter in two days is nothing compared to the dents i put into some fake sugar ben and jerry's pints in one hour.
that i really am a terrible driver.
that i have a whole lot to give, but i need to give a little to myself once and a while.
that mustard is not a good substitute for salad dressing.
that my mother wants to be a grandmother, badly.
that my brother is actually funny.
that i really do love new york city.
that i use the word that, a lot.
that i'd drop anything in a nanosecond for my mother.
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
Subject: CATALINA MADELINA.
Time: 8:16 pm.
There was a girl, she had a funny name.
She got it from her pappy just the same, same, same.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
She had twenty hairs on the top of her head.
Ten were alive and ten were dead.
She had two teeth in the front of her mouth.
One pointed north and the other pointed south.
She had two eyes in the front of her head.
One was yellow and the other was red.
Her ears stuck out like the sails of a boat.
Her adams apple wandered up and down her throat.
She loved to polish her finger nails.
She bought her polish in ten gallon pails.
The language she spoke was an awful joke.
Her head was made out of solid oak.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
Time: 11:17 am.
some of you are ridiculous.
Monday, February 9th, 2004
Subject: ©
Time: 9:54 am.
I HATE THE WORD
Consequence:
jutting black on
yellow-stained white
paper, like pepper
and salt, like you and
me.
(con) Sequ[i]n (ce):
reminds me of
the prom that I
always hated, you
in a black suit
acrid with your sweat,
your hand
on the ass of my
pseudo virginal jaundice
dress.
I should have slit
your throat then,
but my nails were so plastic
pretty, and I was
nice.
Sunday, February 8th, 2004
Time: 11:02 pm.
engine driver's headed north to pleasant stream.
these wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam.
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
Subject: i often feel like the person in the crooked finger's song broken man.
Time: 8:04 pm.
well, i am feeling better, and i'm fighting against this no motivation feeling. i'm blaming the winter, but it's all about the blahs. we all go through this.
so joe (finally) dropped off my poetry portfolio. i lured him with a beer or coffee e-mail. though we never met up. nor do i want to. but since he's been working on the house next to ours on kingsboro i figured he'd be (more of) a real asshole if he decided to conveniently forget to drop it off. but to my surprise he came through. me mum was shocked that jen didn't burn it, or urinate on it, or rip it to shreds. she's that kind of chick. for the longest time during my friendship with joe i was convinced that one day i'd magically disappear and would be found one day, decades later, buried in her folk's front yard. yes, she is that kind of girl.
today i also found out that the amsterdam dunkin donuts charges more for the great one than the one on houston street in new york city. what the fuck. i also found out that amsterdam is in possession of a store solely dedicated to bows and arrows, and appropriately the store is named bows and arrow. also, what the fuck.
i wrote this:
In a dream I was lusting after chocolate covered peanut-butter wafers
enriched flour
riboflavin
and partially hydrogenated soybean oil
In a not-dream my mother’s warm body was next to mine
and this (which is a part of the same poem):
like when I stare at a flashlight for too long
or when I glance at that torrent orb light
in the compressed archaic racquetball court at the gym
You were like a luminous protostar
evolving and
tracking
through my Hertzsprung-Russell gray matter
the nebulae of my memory
as if you were on your way to becoming a main sequence star
_______________
i've been thinking about you lately. no, not you. you.
Thursday, February 5th, 2004
Time: 10:20 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
a list:
house gut, check.
college chest gut, check.
portfolio plea, check.
arrear e-mail, check.
tax crap, check.
new laptop on back order, check.
change of life plan, check.
things are moving a long swimmingly. but it would be nice if you could (silently, if you'd prefer) wish me luck. shakiness is still in the future, i predict.
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
Subject: Compaq Presario Notebook:
Time: 10:20 am.
Model 2100US Notebook
-Microprocessor Intel® Celeron® Processor - 1.6 GHz
-Hard Drive 30GB enhanced-IDE
-Memory 256 MB DDR SDRAM; Memory Max 1024 MB
-Memory Speed 266 MHz
-Total DIMM Sockets 2; available DIMM Sockets 1
-Second-Level Cache (L2) 128 KB (L2)
-Multimedia Drive DVD+CD-RW Combo; CD,DVD Rewritable Drive CD-read 24x; CD-write 8x; CD-rewrite 8x; DVD-read 8x
-Diskette Drive: NO
-Fax/Data Modem Integrated v.90/v.92 56 KB modem (RJ-11 connector)
-Network Integrated 10/100BASE-T Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 connector)
-Keyboard 87-/88-key, full-size with embedded numeric keypad
-Pointing Device Touch Pad with On/Off button and dedicated vertical Scroll Up/Down pad; Additional mouse included in-box.
-Sound 16-bit Sound Blaster Pro-compatible audio
-Speakers Internal stereo speakers
-Total Expansion Slots:1 Type II or III PC card slot; CardBus-enabled
-Total External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
-Available External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
Video Graphics (AGP)
-ATI MOBILITYTM RADEONTM AGP 4X and 3D architecture
-Graphics Memory
-32 MB DDR SDRAM (shared)
-12.96" (L) x 10.72" (W) x 1.57" (H)
-75W AC adapter; 8-Cell Lithium-Ion
-Microsoft® Windows XP Home Edition
-Microsoft® Outlook Express 6.0
-Microsoft® Internet Explorer 6.0
-Microsoft® Fax Services
-Microsoft® Firewall
-SymantecTM Norton AntivirusTM 2002 90 days live update (on CD); Getting Started Documentation Suite.
-Intervideo WinDVD (DVD player)
-Roxio Easy CD Creator
-Microsoft® Works 6.0
-Quicken® Financial Center by Intuit (U.S. only)
-Microsoft® Money 2003
-Microsoft® Encarta Online Deluxe Encyclopedia - 1 year subscription
-Adobe Acrobat Reader 5.0
-AOL® 7.0
-CompuServe® 6.0
-Netscape 6.0
OH GOD, IT SOUNDS GREAT. I MIGHT GET A HOT LAP. BUT SHIT, DO YOU AGREE YOU NERDLY NERD NERDS? PLEASE HELP.
ALSO, FORGET ABOUT AN APPLE. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH.
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
Time: 8:19 pm.
there is the smell of cold winter air cut by burning brush, and the dizzying sight of a clear starry sky that makes my heart melt.
Subject: five hours at my old place on kingsboro.
Time: 4:33 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music: in my head: the cult. she sells sanctuary.
boy, my brother is a slob. and he listens to nu-metal. but i love him.
so i'm here partly to gain some sort of order in my life. and i'm heading in the right direction. hanging out at my old house is bitter-sweet. i get caught up in memory while sorting and cleaning and disposing. what would it be like to live here again? with trepidation, i think about how comfortable i would be here, teaching (after certification, in which i would have to enroll into school for) english and or drama at the high school. living in cheap-ass apartment with my forty pound female brindle boxer with natural ears and a docked tail. so close to my mother. christ she's a great woman. i just hate that part of me that is challenging my vehement opinion on settling.
but, i love new york. and my whims.
also on the table:
i've never traveled in a limousine.
and.
two cops on the milk box missing.
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
Subject: why did i leave?
Time: 7:23 pm.
erica: mom, what are you doing for valentine's day...it's on a friday you know?
mum: no, it's saturday and sunday.
erica: i thought the fourteenth was just one day.
Saturday, January 31st, 2004
Subject: this little funk.
Time: 8:10 pm.
is not giving one bit. so i've succumbed to reading with the voracity of a medievalist college freak waiting for his or her five ante meridiem alarm clock to sound. the call that beckons him or her to the barren field in front of the library, his or her wooden sword, and his or her flock of freak-ass friends waiting, rallying, for the morning joust.
you remember these guys right? you were one of these guys right?
so it's me and the livejournal, e-mail, and friendster. i'm cutting my ties with the superfluous nature of on-line circles. i'll keep nerve to amuse myself on those bleak and blah monday mornings. friendster, because i secretly want ms. lewis, my junior high and high school latin teacher of six years, to friendster me. and cher. i'm waiting for cher to friendster me. and i need this livejournal like a hole in the head, but i've become somewhat attached to it, in that it has been the only medium i have returned to, in regards to any documentation of my life and feeling, without reluctance. and i'm a secret lurker. let me be redundant.
Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
Subject: my belly.
Time: 11:20 am.
is expanding. thank you beer.
i need to get a computer so i can purge all my dirty little thoughts into microsoft word.
Monday, January 26th, 2004
Subject: and you know what else?
Time: 4:26 pm.
today would have been my father's birthday.
i feel old.
Subject: the short list of things i need or want and need to change. for my own reference.
Time: 3:51 pm.
rape. a love story. jco.
a facial.
a colon cleansing.
a tattoo on my left wrist.
the essential bruce springsteen.
guarapero: lost blues two. will oldham.
song cyclops, volume one. doleful lions.
time (the revelator). gillian welch.
wrecking ball. emmylou harris (i think this is the one).
bring on the snakes. crooked fingers.
things we lost in the fire. low.
the collector of hearts: new tales of the grotesque. jco.
haunted. tales of the grotesque. jco.
live in 1992. ac/dc.
a computer.
friends.
lyle lovett. my baby don't tolerate.
a female boxer around forty pounds with natural ears and a docked tail.
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
Subject: a wiser man than i once noted...
Time: 9:50 am.
there's nothing new about us.
sometimes i think about friends had and lost...it's lame...i just sit here and think about why i was friends with somebody, if i was really friends with somebody, why i'm not still friends with somebody, then it dawned on me.
relationships are about learning. taking and giving. we get ourselves into relationships, be they romantic, platonic, et cetera, to learn, to gain knowledge, to realize ourselves, our goals and our lives better. and once that resource is exhausted in somebody we move on and find the next person or set of people to draw from. it sounds shitty and shallow, but it's the truth. i've gone through countless friends over the years, but only a few have really stuck, and those are the ones i'm still learning from, be it about myself, or them, or some material and tangible thing like biology, or physics...these are the ones that last. it doesn't mean the other ones weren't important, because if they weren't important or dear, we wouldn't even think about them.
it just seems like all we can do is accept the fact that we've learned from somebody, we've taken what we can from them...and hopefully, we've in turn given back everything we could.
when the time is right, or when we're needed, or when we need them...they'll come around again.
i guess when it's all said and done we leave when there's nothing new.
Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Subject: thanks!
Time: 11:22 am.
i just wanted to say that i had a really nice time with mike and lou yesterday. eating w1ngz. and making fun of all you assholes.
Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
Subject: i tend not to make elaborate livejournal posts.
Time: 10:05 am.
and tend only to post when i'm close to, or brimful of blood (as some of you may know i am sans blood, dead, really, i mean, why am i so cold all the time). i guess i don't want you fuckwits (i use this term in an endearing way, dirtbags) to really know what's going on. i'd rather be seen as this whirling eclipse of peripheral emotion and being. and save the real emotion and being, and babble driven by this emotion and being for interaction beyond the textual realm. the other reason exists as a mere nagging upon my compulsive tendencies, and lack of confidence in anything i write. i'll type this out maybe three times. edit it four. and erase it eventually if i find too many typographical errors. i do this with most everything i write. as i'm sure a few of you might do as well. except for me, the process becomes agonizing. i wish the process didn't exist. it's a stutter-step. something that i even suffer through when i'm surfing through non-textual mediums. which is my catch twenty-two. i have all these things i want to say, and feel so unconfident in saying it all.
i refer to my behavior as broken.
what i need is some really strong glue. and a swift kick in bubble.
Subject: saturday.
Time: 11:09 pm.
Mood: scattered..
Music: cunninglynguists.
friday was fun. i can't say that fun has been apart of my life as of late, so it was a welcome change.
what was not fun was losing my phone. i remember sticking it in my bag before i left the apartment. when i returned around the time of three in the morning, i reached in my bag with the intention of texting a well wishing message, and the phone just wasn't there.
i told richie that i practiced good cellular phone manners on my outing. and maybe if i hadn't i would have known at some point (before three)that it was missing. so i trekked over to mona's and joey's and they don't have the fucker.
all day i've been trying to hone in my telepathic powers.
if you heard, in your mind, a knock-knock, it was me. let me in.
i do things sometimes until ad nauseum. like cleaning. or plucking out my white hairs. itching. tossing about in my bed. i do it until my jaw is so tense i get a headache and i want to puke all over my kicks. when did this all begin. will it ever end. i mean, it's hard to think of rainbows and candy and bunnies all the time.
Friday, February 13th, 2004
Subject: my hardest year.
Time: 3:42 pm.
fall filled with warafin. late arrivals to my acient greek seminar. bruised arms and tired eyes. a full load. a mainstage. a job. shit-fucks for roommates. january term filled with black text to white blank paper not wanting to be filled because of fear. a spring to finish that play. direct that play. set, light, sound design for another play. full course load. another mainstage. and filling last minute requirements.
i still got a 3.83 for that year.
when i called the mathematician in the registrar office today to sort out my individual year grade point averages, i started to cry a little. i re-lived that shit-year in a nanosecond separted by cellular phone static, three hunderd miles, and two years.
but somehow i got by, and for that i'm proud (which also made me cry a little).
so both are done. i sent the second in today. i will know the verdicts in two weeks. wish me luck.
also, my notebook is rad.
Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
Subject: one is done and sent.
Time: 11:27 pm.
the other, soon to follow.
seriously, who did the double-checking mathematics on my transcripts?
my train leaves at eleven tomorrow morning. i have a lot to do when i get back.
things i've learned:
that i am afraid of coy-dogs.
that denting out a jar of peanut-butter in two days is nothing compared to the dents i put into some fake sugar ben and jerry's pints in one hour.
that i really am a terrible driver.
that i have a whole lot to give, but i need to give a little to myself once and a while.
that mustard is not a good substitute for salad dressing.
that my mother wants to be a grandmother, badly.
that my brother is actually funny.
that i really do love new york city.
that i use the word that, a lot.
that i'd drop anything in a nanosecond for my mother.
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
Subject: CATALINA MADELINA.
Time: 8:16 pm.
There was a girl, she had a funny name.
She got it from her pappy just the same, same, same.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
She had twenty hairs on the top of her head.
Ten were alive and ten were dead.
She had two teeth in the front of her mouth.
One pointed north and the other pointed south.
She had two eyes in the front of her head.
One was yellow and the other was red.
Her ears stuck out like the sails of a boat.
Her adams apple wandered up and down her throat.
She loved to polish her finger nails.
She bought her polish in ten gallon pails.
The language she spoke was an awful joke.
Her head was made out of solid oak.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
Time: 11:17 am.
some of you are ridiculous.
Monday, February 9th, 2004
Subject: ©
Time: 9:54 am.
I HATE THE WORD
Consequence:
jutting black on
yellow-stained white
paper, like pepper
and salt, like you and
me.
(con) Sequ[i]n (ce):
reminds me of
the prom that I
always hated, you
in a black suit
acrid with your sweat,
your hand
on the ass of my
pseudo virginal jaundice
dress.
I should have slit
your throat then,
but my nails were so plastic
pretty, and I was
nice.
Sunday, February 8th, 2004
Time: 11:02 pm.
engine driver's headed north to pleasant stream.
these wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam.
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
Subject: i often feel like the person in the crooked finger's song broken man.
Time: 8:04 pm.
well, i am feeling better, and i'm fighting against this no motivation feeling. i'm blaming the winter, but it's all about the blahs. we all go through this.
so joe (finally) dropped off my poetry portfolio. i lured him with a beer or coffee e-mail. though we never met up. nor do i want to. but since he's been working on the house next to ours on kingsboro i figured he'd be (more of) a real asshole if he decided to conveniently forget to drop it off. but to my surprise he came through. me mum was shocked that jen didn't burn it, or urinate on it, or rip it to shreds. she's that kind of chick. for the longest time during my friendship with joe i was convinced that one day i'd magically disappear and would be found one day, decades later, buried in her folk's front yard. yes, she is that kind of girl.
today i also found out that the amsterdam dunkin donuts charges more for the great one than the one on houston street in new york city. what the fuck. i also found out that amsterdam is in possession of a store solely dedicated to bows and arrows, and appropriately the store is named bows and arrow. also, what the fuck.
i wrote this:
In a dream I was lusting after chocolate covered peanut-butter wafers
enriched flour
riboflavin
and partially hydrogenated soybean oil
In a not-dream my mother’s warm body was next to mine
and this (which is a part of the same poem):
like when I stare at a flashlight for too long
or when I glance at that torrent orb light
in the compressed archaic racquetball court at the gym
You were like a luminous protostar
evolving and
tracking
through my Hertzsprung-Russell gray matter
the nebulae of my memory
as if you were on your way to becoming a main sequence star
_______________
i've been thinking about you lately. no, not you. you.
Thursday, February 5th, 2004
Time: 10:20 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
a list:
house gut, check.
college chest gut, check.
portfolio plea, check.
arrear e-mail, check.
tax crap, check.
new laptop on back order, check.
change of life plan, check.
things are moving a long swimmingly. but it would be nice if you could (silently, if you'd prefer) wish me luck. shakiness is still in the future, i predict.
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
Subject: Compaq Presario Notebook:
Time: 10:20 am.
Model 2100US Notebook
-Microprocessor Intel® Celeron® Processor - 1.6 GHz
-Hard Drive 30GB enhanced-IDE
-Memory 256 MB DDR SDRAM; Memory Max 1024 MB
-Memory Speed 266 MHz
-Total DIMM Sockets 2; available DIMM Sockets 1
-Second-Level Cache (L2) 128 KB (L2)
-Multimedia Drive DVD+CD-RW Combo; CD,DVD Rewritable Drive CD-read 24x; CD-write 8x; CD-rewrite 8x; DVD-read 8x
-Diskette Drive: NO
-Fax/Data Modem Integrated v.90/v.92 56 KB modem (RJ-11 connector)
-Network Integrated 10/100BASE-T Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 connector)
-Keyboard 87-/88-key, full-size with embedded numeric keypad
-Pointing Device Touch Pad with On/Off button and dedicated vertical Scroll Up/Down pad; Additional mouse included in-box.
-Sound 16-bit Sound Blaster Pro-compatible audio
-Speakers Internal stereo speakers
-Total Expansion Slots:1 Type II or III PC card slot; CardBus-enabled
-Total External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
-Available External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
Video Graphics (AGP)
-ATI MOBILITYTM RADEONTM AGP 4X and 3D architecture
-Graphics Memory
-32 MB DDR SDRAM (shared)
-12.96" (L) x 10.72" (W) x 1.57" (H)
-75W AC adapter; 8-Cell Lithium-Ion
-Microsoft® Windows XP Home Edition
-Microsoft® Outlook Express 6.0
-Microsoft® Internet Explorer 6.0
-Microsoft® Fax Services
-Microsoft® Firewall
-SymantecTM Norton AntivirusTM 2002 90 days live update (on CD); Getting Started Documentation Suite.
-Intervideo WinDVD (DVD player)
-Roxio Easy CD Creator
-Microsoft® Works 6.0
-Quicken® Financial Center by Intuit (U.S. only)
-Microsoft® Money 2003
-Microsoft® Encarta Online Deluxe Encyclopedia - 1 year subscription
-Adobe Acrobat Reader 5.0
-AOL® 7.0
-CompuServe® 6.0
-Netscape 6.0
OH GOD, IT SOUNDS GREAT. I MIGHT GET A HOT LAP. BUT SHIT, DO YOU AGREE YOU NERDLY NERD NERDS? PLEASE HELP.
ALSO, FORGET ABOUT AN APPLE. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH.
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
Time: 8:19 pm.
there is the smell of cold winter air cut by burning brush, and the dizzying sight of a clear starry sky that makes my heart melt.
Subject: five hours at my old place on kingsboro.
Time: 4:33 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music: in my head: the cult. she sells sanctuary.
boy, my brother is a slob. and he listens to nu-metal. but i love him.
so i'm here partly to gain some sort of order in my life. and i'm heading in the right direction. hanging out at my old house is bitter-sweet. i get caught up in memory while sorting and cleaning and disposing. what would it be like to live here again? with trepidation, i think about how comfortable i would be here, teaching (after certification, in which i would have to enroll into school for) english and or drama at the high school. living in cheap-ass apartment with my forty pound female brindle boxer with natural ears and a docked tail. so close to my mother. christ she's a great woman. i just hate that part of me that is challenging my vehement opinion on settling.
but, i love new york. and my whims.
also on the table:
i've never traveled in a limousine.
and.
two cops on the milk box missing.
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
Subject: why did i leave?
Time: 7:23 pm.
erica: mom, what are you doing for valentine's day...it's on a friday you know?
mum: no, it's saturday and sunday.
erica: i thought the fourteenth was just one day.
Saturday, January 31st, 2004
Subject: this little funk.
Time: 8:10 pm.
is not giving one bit. so i've succumbed to reading with the voracity of a medievalist college freak waiting for his or her five ante meridiem alarm clock to sound. the call that beckons him or her to the barren field in front of the library, his or her wooden sword, and his or her flock of freak-ass friends waiting, rallying, for the morning joust.
you remember these guys right? you were one of these guys right?
so it's me and the livejournal, e-mail, and friendster. i'm cutting my ties with the superfluous nature of on-line circles. i'll keep nerve to amuse myself on those bleak and blah monday mornings. friendster, because i secretly want ms. lewis, my junior high and high school latin teacher of six years, to friendster me. and cher. i'm waiting for cher to friendster me. and i need this livejournal like a hole in the head, but i've become somewhat attached to it, in that it has been the only medium i have returned to, in regards to any documentation of my life and feeling, without reluctance. and i'm a secret lurker. let me be redundant.
Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
Subject: my belly.
Time: 11:20 am.
is expanding. thank you beer.
i need to get a computer so i can purge all my dirty little thoughts into microsoft word.
Monday, January 26th, 2004
Subject: and you know what else?
Time: 4:26 pm.
today would have been my father's birthday.
i feel old.
Subject: the short list of things i need or want and need to change. for my own reference.
Time: 3:51 pm.
rape. a love story. jco.
a facial.
a colon cleansing.
a tattoo on my left wrist.
the essential bruce springsteen.
guarapero: lost blues two. will oldham.
song cyclops, volume one. doleful lions.
time (the revelator). gillian welch.
wrecking ball. emmylou harris (i think this is the one).
bring on the snakes. crooked fingers.
things we lost in the fire. low.
the collector of hearts: new tales of the grotesque. jco.
haunted. tales of the grotesque. jco.
live in 1992. ac/dc.
a computer.
friends.
lyle lovett. my baby don't tolerate.
a female boxer around forty pounds with natural ears and a docked tail.
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
Subject: a wiser man than i once noted...
Time: 9:50 am.
there's nothing new about us.
sometimes i think about friends had and lost...it's lame...i just sit here and think about why i was friends with somebody, if i was really friends with somebody, why i'm not still friends with somebody, then it dawned on me.
relationships are about learning. taking and giving. we get ourselves into relationships, be they romantic, platonic, et cetera, to learn, to gain knowledge, to realize ourselves, our goals and our lives better. and once that resource is exhausted in somebody we move on and find the next person or set of people to draw from. it sounds shitty and shallow, but it's the truth. i've gone through countless friends over the years, but only a few have really stuck, and those are the ones i'm still learning from, be it about myself, or them, or some material and tangible thing like biology, or physics...these are the ones that last. it doesn't mean the other ones weren't important, because if they weren't important or dear, we wouldn't even think about them.
it just seems like all we can do is accept the fact that we've learned from somebody, we've taken what we can from them...and hopefully, we've in turn given back everything we could.
when the time is right, or when we're needed, or when we need them...they'll come around again.
i guess when it's all said and done we leave when there's nothing new.
Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Subject: thanks!
Time: 11:22 am.
i just wanted to say that i had a really nice time with mike and lou yesterday. eating w1ngz. and making fun of all you assholes.
Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
Subject: i tend not to make elaborate livejournal posts.
Time: 10:05 am.
and tend only to post when i'm close to, or brimful of blood (as some of you may know i am sans blood, dead, really, i mean, why am i so cold all the time). i guess i don't want you fuckwits (i use this term in an endearing way, dirtbags) to really know what's going on. i'd rather be seen as this whirling eclipse of peripheral emotion and being. and save the real emotion and being, and babble driven by this emotion and being for interaction beyond the textual realm. the other reason exists as a mere nagging upon my compulsive tendencies, and lack of confidence in anything i write. i'll type this out maybe three times. edit it four. and erase it eventually if i find too many typographical errors. i do this with most everything i write. as i'm sure a few of you might do as well. except for me, the process becomes agonizing. i wish the process didn't exist. it's a stutter-step. something that i even suffer through when i'm surfing through non-textual mediums. which is my catch twenty-two. i have all these things i want to say, and feel so unconfident in saying it all.
i refer to my behavior as broken.
what i need is some really strong glue. and a swift kick in bubble.
four.
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
Time: 1:35 pm.
i have to go to court tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Subject: my grammar is broken.
Time: 9:52 am.
and i was leaving vim (the last stop on my sneaker pilgrimage) heading home via fourteenth street, and i ran into emme. she was walking by, talking on her cellular phone. she began to extend her arm in a passing wave way, i, the same. and then we stopped. it wasn't like we just had a lunch date and we left to run our respective errands and happened to fumble upon each other in the passing hour. we stopped because we hadn't seen each other in two years.
she looked better, healthier, still too slim, cropped hair, more fashionable. she filled me in on some details: jess was back in australia. david and mae were still together living in new york (good kids. i'll take it even farther by saying that i fancied david for two weeks after i met him. smart, laid-back, reminds me of a friend i have in washington, but david, as i remember him, wasn't nearly as attractive as the latter. and mae, nice girl, bright, with flaming red hair. now that i think about it, i wonder if anyone has ever questioned their relationship. they look like siblings). emme also informed me that she had grown quite close to alana. that alana was doing well with theatre. that alana was in new york as well and that we should all get together, the three of us, for drinks. and i kept thinking to myself, "who the fuck is alana? am i this senile?" she told me erin was back in brooklyn. she also said she would run into jen from time to time.
i could tell by her eyes, swallowing the stranger in front of her, that i was the one who had not changed. that i was the same. i and my situation hadn't changed. that i looked the same, and that i was still looking for/to the same things: work, theatre, graduate school. maybe i wasn't a stranger after all. like time, from when i was at the atlantic until now, had been on pause.
i have seen four atlantics in a week. what sort of sign is this? eh?
if we could fast-forward my paused life, you would have found me in front of my mirror with a pair of scissors, cutting away at the sameness. i cannot tell you that my hair looks any better, but i can tell you this: i need to change, something, anything, everything, something. and this is going to be my month.
Monday, September 8th, 2003
Subject: "That which we see in the bottom of our glass is most often dregs."
Time: 5:13 pm.
three hours of albee, three amazing plays (well, four if you want to detach box from mao). fifty cents. i love the library.
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
Subject: inanimate and animate.
Time: 4:14 am.
on one hand, i can count all the great loves i've had and lost in these twenty-three years.
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
Time: 8:34 pm.
i can't stop thinking about upstate.
Monday, September 1st, 2003
Subject: also, i'm an aunt.
Time: 11:07 pm.
and the baby looks like me.
ironic.
Time: 3:46 pm.
i had weird dreams again. theo you were in it. something to do with american culture, picking a president or a band or artist that represents the united states. i was having a hard time finding new and interesting facts on george washington, so i was going to do a project on dave matthews (i remember navy poster board d stencils). i remember theo found me reebok pumps. in my dream they turned from white to black. there was a small child in the middle of the cafeteria like forum on american culture and he had jello molds of things reminiscent of the stonehenge and brassy upbeat french music was playing in the background.
Sunday, August 31st, 2003
Subject: i'm going to miss danny.
Time: 3:18 pm.
hazy green and grey room, hues of pink. living room party. children running around. the one i remember, blonde hair, bowl hair cut, diapers and a heather grey t-shirt. this song comes on, the one that goes "i've always been this way, never known any other way to feel..." and i look around the room, mouthing the lyrics and notice two other people singing along to the song.
Saturday, August 30th, 2003
Subject: aesthetically...
Time: 4:48 pm.
these cookies look spooky. maybe too many chips. but they taste fucking awesome. and yes, i should not be eating them.
Friday, August 29th, 2003
Subject: how you living biggie smalls.
Time: 9:54 pm.
my former friend joe called me this evening. and i understand why i stopped talking to him a year ago. he's fucking nuts.
Subject: i spent some money last night.
Time: 11:25 am.
and i had a wonderful time.
Thursday, August 28th, 2003
Time: 6:54 pm.
the problem is this: i have not left the house in three days. except to buy half and half.
Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
Time: 10:09 am.
i had a spooky science fiction dream in which three non humans hung from ropes. two of them had their faces cut into cubes. the the third horse like non human escaped by shimmying up the rope and busting through the drop ceiling. then the cats woke me up because they were hungry.
Research shows that most dreams are unpleasant. Violent dreams are relatively common and may be a reflection of the confusion and conflict that the dreamer experiences in daily life. Dreams with violent themes suggest that the dreamer has unconscious negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, and anger. If you are not dealing with these feeling consciously, your dreams are compensating and bringing into awareness the need for honest reflection and emotional balance in daily life.
The horse is a noble and powerful animal. As a dream symbol it can represent a wide range of positive thoughts and ideas about self or others. Depending on the details of the dream, horses can symbolize freedom, power, and sexual energy. At times, they can also be considered messengers, relaying information from the unconscious to the conscious, from the spiritual to the physical. If you are horseback riding it suggests that you are self-assured and feel a sense of control in your daily life. Old dream interpretation books say that the color of the horse is also significant. (Remember that this is based on superstition.) Black horses are said to point out delays; white horses reinforce the positive and transformative aspects of life; gray horses may point to the difficulties in the dreamers current situation; piebald horses are symbolic of confusion; brown horses are associated with mental pursuits; tan horses are said to be symbolic of love and sex.
Occasionally, people will have drams about UFO's and aliens. What these dreams symbolize collectively or individually is difficult to explain and understand. Meeting and talking to aliens may suggest that significant changes are coming into your life and, at the moment, things feel strange and foreign to you. If you dream that you are the alien, it suggests that you may feel detached from some parts of yourself and from others. You may be a stranger in your immediate surroundings and some self-evaluation and familiarization is suggested.
This dream suggests that the dreamer is losing control. In a decapitation there is a dramatic and violent separation of the head from the body. Under normal circumstances the mind controls and directs the body. This dream suggests that the dreamer may be under the control of his bodily drives and may be separated from rational thoughts and feelings. Disassociation may be occurring in regard to some behavior or issue in life. However, this dream may have other meanings. This includes excessive concern about punishment and indicates that there may be severe pressure and anxiety in the dreamer's life.
Going upward, or ascending, is always a positive dream symbol. Whether you are struggling on a difficult rope or ladder or walking up an easy slope, this dream suggests that you are moving in the right direction. If the climb in your dream is extremely difficult, it may be pointing to some obstacles that you need to overcome before reaching your goals. Consider all of the details in your dream, and if you recently completed a difficult task, achieved a goal (e.g. graduating), this dream may be reflective in nature.
The number three always has to do with commitment and as such it should be placed in the I Need column. It stands for mind, body and spirit and is a request to commit yourself, mind body and spirit, to improving yourself in the direction indicated in the dream. The number 3 will often appear in dreams about the heart as people who have closed off their heart to others often lack commitment. A triangle or pyramid also indicate commitment and request the dreamer to meditate on the subject matter of the dream.
Grey colors, meaning: uncommitted, uncertain - ‘grey area’. Mental denial of emotion, depression.
Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
Subject: also.
Time: 7:07 pm.
not working is making me clinically insane.
Subject: on the subject of journaling.
Time: 5:45 pm.
i rant in this thing oftentimes when i am either menstruating or pre-menstrual.
someone buy me a computer. i want to work on my play more.
Time: 3:00 pm.
hi bret.
Sunday, August 24th, 2003
Subject: i want to name my kid:
Time: 3:57 pm.
petit.
middle name, prince.
i might hold onto dow. memoria technica.
Thursday, August 21st, 2003
Time: 10:04 am.
david cross is stalking me.
Monday, August 11th, 2003
Subject: i am feeling better...
Time: 2:18 pm.
but i'm still an idiot.
also: i have a lot of flaws.
Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
Subject: who needs to take better care of themselves?
Time: 1:58 pm.
the doctor told me:
that i am dehydrated.
that i have a bladder infection.
that i have a sinus infection.
also: i am menstruating so i feel as awkward as a twelve year old right now.
Time: 1:35 pm.
i have to go to court tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Subject: my grammar is broken.
Time: 9:52 am.
and i was leaving vim (the last stop on my sneaker pilgrimage) heading home via fourteenth street, and i ran into emme. she was walking by, talking on her cellular phone. she began to extend her arm in a passing wave way, i, the same. and then we stopped. it wasn't like we just had a lunch date and we left to run our respective errands and happened to fumble upon each other in the passing hour. we stopped because we hadn't seen each other in two years.
she looked better, healthier, still too slim, cropped hair, more fashionable. she filled me in on some details: jess was back in australia. david and mae were still together living in new york (good kids. i'll take it even farther by saying that i fancied david for two weeks after i met him. smart, laid-back, reminds me of a friend i have in washington, but david, as i remember him, wasn't nearly as attractive as the latter. and mae, nice girl, bright, with flaming red hair. now that i think about it, i wonder if anyone has ever questioned their relationship. they look like siblings). emme also informed me that she had grown quite close to alana. that alana was doing well with theatre. that alana was in new york as well and that we should all get together, the three of us, for drinks. and i kept thinking to myself, "who the fuck is alana? am i this senile?" she told me erin was back in brooklyn. she also said she would run into jen from time to time.
i could tell by her eyes, swallowing the stranger in front of her, that i was the one who had not changed. that i was the same. i and my situation hadn't changed. that i looked the same, and that i was still looking for/to the same things: work, theatre, graduate school. maybe i wasn't a stranger after all. like time, from when i was at the atlantic until now, had been on pause.
i have seen four atlantics in a week. what sort of sign is this? eh?
if we could fast-forward my paused life, you would have found me in front of my mirror with a pair of scissors, cutting away at the sameness. i cannot tell you that my hair looks any better, but i can tell you this: i need to change, something, anything, everything, something. and this is going to be my month.
Monday, September 8th, 2003
Subject: "That which we see in the bottom of our glass is most often dregs."
Time: 5:13 pm.
three hours of albee, three amazing plays (well, four if you want to detach box from mao). fifty cents. i love the library.
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
Subject: inanimate and animate.
Time: 4:14 am.
on one hand, i can count all the great loves i've had and lost in these twenty-three years.
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
Time: 8:34 pm.
i can't stop thinking about upstate.
Monday, September 1st, 2003
Subject: also, i'm an aunt.
Time: 11:07 pm.
and the baby looks like me.
ironic.
Time: 3:46 pm.
i had weird dreams again. theo you were in it. something to do with american culture, picking a president or a band or artist that represents the united states. i was having a hard time finding new and interesting facts on george washington, so i was going to do a project on dave matthews (i remember navy poster board d stencils). i remember theo found me reebok pumps. in my dream they turned from white to black. there was a small child in the middle of the cafeteria like forum on american culture and he had jello molds of things reminiscent of the stonehenge and brassy upbeat french music was playing in the background.
Sunday, August 31st, 2003
Subject: i'm going to miss danny.
Time: 3:18 pm.
hazy green and grey room, hues of pink. living room party. children running around. the one i remember, blonde hair, bowl hair cut, diapers and a heather grey t-shirt. this song comes on, the one that goes "i've always been this way, never known any other way to feel..." and i look around the room, mouthing the lyrics and notice two other people singing along to the song.
Saturday, August 30th, 2003
Subject: aesthetically...
Time: 4:48 pm.
these cookies look spooky. maybe too many chips. but they taste fucking awesome. and yes, i should not be eating them.
Friday, August 29th, 2003
Subject: how you living biggie smalls.
Time: 9:54 pm.
my former friend joe called me this evening. and i understand why i stopped talking to him a year ago. he's fucking nuts.
Subject: i spent some money last night.
Time: 11:25 am.
and i had a wonderful time.
Thursday, August 28th, 2003
Time: 6:54 pm.
the problem is this: i have not left the house in three days. except to buy half and half.
Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
Time: 10:09 am.
i had a spooky science fiction dream in which three non humans hung from ropes. two of them had their faces cut into cubes. the the third horse like non human escaped by shimmying up the rope and busting through the drop ceiling. then the cats woke me up because they were hungry.
Research shows that most dreams are unpleasant. Violent dreams are relatively common and may be a reflection of the confusion and conflict that the dreamer experiences in daily life. Dreams with violent themes suggest that the dreamer has unconscious negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, and anger. If you are not dealing with these feeling consciously, your dreams are compensating and bringing into awareness the need for honest reflection and emotional balance in daily life.
The horse is a noble and powerful animal. As a dream symbol it can represent a wide range of positive thoughts and ideas about self or others. Depending on the details of the dream, horses can symbolize freedom, power, and sexual energy. At times, they can also be considered messengers, relaying information from the unconscious to the conscious, from the spiritual to the physical. If you are horseback riding it suggests that you are self-assured and feel a sense of control in your daily life. Old dream interpretation books say that the color of the horse is also significant. (Remember that this is based on superstition.) Black horses are said to point out delays; white horses reinforce the positive and transformative aspects of life; gray horses may point to the difficulties in the dreamers current situation; piebald horses are symbolic of confusion; brown horses are associated with mental pursuits; tan horses are said to be symbolic of love and sex.
Occasionally, people will have drams about UFO's and aliens. What these dreams symbolize collectively or individually is difficult to explain and understand. Meeting and talking to aliens may suggest that significant changes are coming into your life and, at the moment, things feel strange and foreign to you. If you dream that you are the alien, it suggests that you may feel detached from some parts of yourself and from others. You may be a stranger in your immediate surroundings and some self-evaluation and familiarization is suggested.
This dream suggests that the dreamer is losing control. In a decapitation there is a dramatic and violent separation of the head from the body. Under normal circumstances the mind controls and directs the body. This dream suggests that the dreamer may be under the control of his bodily drives and may be separated from rational thoughts and feelings. Disassociation may be occurring in regard to some behavior or issue in life. However, this dream may have other meanings. This includes excessive concern about punishment and indicates that there may be severe pressure and anxiety in the dreamer's life.
Going upward, or ascending, is always a positive dream symbol. Whether you are struggling on a difficult rope or ladder or walking up an easy slope, this dream suggests that you are moving in the right direction. If the climb in your dream is extremely difficult, it may be pointing to some obstacles that you need to overcome before reaching your goals. Consider all of the details in your dream, and if you recently completed a difficult task, achieved a goal (e.g. graduating), this dream may be reflective in nature.
The number three always has to do with commitment and as such it should be placed in the I Need column. It stands for mind, body and spirit and is a request to commit yourself, mind body and spirit, to improving yourself in the direction indicated in the dream. The number 3 will often appear in dreams about the heart as people who have closed off their heart to others often lack commitment. A triangle or pyramid also indicate commitment and request the dreamer to meditate on the subject matter of the dream.
Grey colors, meaning: uncommitted, uncertain - ‘grey area’. Mental denial of emotion, depression.
Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
Subject: also.
Time: 7:07 pm.
not working is making me clinically insane.
Subject: on the subject of journaling.
Time: 5:45 pm.
i rant in this thing oftentimes when i am either menstruating or pre-menstrual.
someone buy me a computer. i want to work on my play more.
Time: 3:00 pm.
hi bret.
Sunday, August 24th, 2003
Subject: i want to name my kid:
Time: 3:57 pm.
petit.
middle name, prince.
i might hold onto dow. memoria technica.
Thursday, August 21st, 2003
Time: 10:04 am.
david cross is stalking me.
Monday, August 11th, 2003
Subject: i am feeling better...
Time: 2:18 pm.
but i'm still an idiot.
also: i have a lot of flaws.
Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
Subject: who needs to take better care of themselves?
Time: 1:58 pm.
the doctor told me:
that i am dehydrated.
that i have a bladder infection.
that i have a sinus infection.
also: i am menstruating so i feel as awkward as a twelve year old right now.
three.
Thursday, July 31st, 2003
Subject: i know that you lurk around once and a bit...
Time: 11:01 pm.
and i want to say thank you for being my friend. and after reading this you will sing the golden girl's theme song for the rest of the day.
Thursday, July 24th, 2003
Time: 11:06 am.
i have been going on dates.
Friday, July 11th, 2003
Subject: EVEN ON THE PHONE MY MUM...
Time: 4:02 pm.
CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN I'M DUE FOR MY PERIOD BY THE TONE IN MY VOICE.
Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
Subject: greetings.
Time: 11:51 am.
i feel settled.
i'm job hunting, so there is this gaping hole in my work life but everything else is pretty much alright. though this settling feeling is fulfilling, i still have these romanticized yearnings to flee to the middle of nowhere. i could bartend and write. plant tomatoes and cut myself off from the rest of this busy world. but i have plenty of time to fulfill that dream. am i really sixty-four?
are you where you want to be in life? if not, i suggest you change it.
Monday, July 7th, 2003
Subject: http://pisces.bubble.com/webstars/friend/friendForm.cfm
Time: 5:09 pm.
erica dow is mysterious and enigmatic; deep, perceptive, powerful, passionate and terribly, terribly sexy! The sentence above must be true because erica is a Scorpio and Scorpios as we all know are infamous for their interest in... well now, here's a funny thing. Despite what they say, Scorpios are not actually quite as wild and wicked as they are painted. erica has, it must be said, a very hypnotic appeal but what's truly mesmerising about erica is not her pout but her perspicacity. erica has an uncanny, almost spooky to see right through you. She can make you feel naked and exposed just by casting one meaningful glance in your direction. What she is looking at though, when she peers below the surface, is not your underwear but your underlying intention! "Where are you coming from? What are you up to? Can you be trusted? Are you going to tell the truth?" These are the questions that erica subconsciously fires out as soon as she sees you. Her inner radar never fails to provide her with the right answer. She is sensitive beyond measure, and it is partly to protect her own sensitivity that she scrutinises people so thoroughly.
There is another reason why erica dow is so keen to see into your soul: she needs to know how sensitive you are. She knows from long, bitter experience that not many people can take the kind of candour that she cannot help but dispense. erica is not a person to mince her words, hold back her opinions or shy away from taboo topics. She doesn't want to cause offence, nor does she want to waste her time, so she picks her confidantes carefully. All of which brings us back to where we began. If you are sensitive enough to appreciate erica's special qualities you will consider that there is something exceptionally sexy about her and she will feel the same way about you. So perhaps erica dow is living proof that it is true what they say about Scorpios after all.
Subject: sweaty.
Time: 5:06 pm.
and feeling less than pretty. and as i walked to kinko's, hairy ratty and no make-up, someone told me i was beautiful.
Saturday, July 5th, 2003
Time: 8:17 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Music: hot ninety-seven.
writing a letter i'll never send to you.
Friday, July 4th, 2003
Subject: tired.
Time: 10:21 pm.
today i stopped breathing on the r train.
three young ladies helped me out in my state of panic.
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
Subject: paint fumes.
Time: 11:54 pm.
a-rocka came over and helped me paint. one more day and i'm done. holla.
Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
Subject: july.
Time: 10:42 am.
holy smokes.
i'm working on my day schedule. i went to bed and nine thirty last night, after i went to the grocery. today i got up at seven-thirty. ran two miles. harassed my health insurance company, called my mother and made breakfast.
in the next few hours i will by paint supplies for my room.
on another note. i met this kid dan on friendster. turns out his mum was my sixth grade teacher.
Sunday, June 29th, 2003
Subject: apparently, i am a geek.
Time: 3:16 pm.
1984, George Orwell
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
The BFG, Roald Dahl
Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
Bleak House, Charles Dickens
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
Catch 22, Joseph Heller
The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
Dune, Frank Herbert
Emma, Jane Austen
Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
The Godfather, Mario Puzo
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
His Dark Materials trilogy, Philip Pullman
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Holes, Louis Sachar
I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
Katherine, Anya Seton
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien
Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blighton
Magician, Raymond E Feist
The Magus, John Fowles
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
Middlemarch, George Eliot
Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
Mort, Terry Pratchett
Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
On The Road, Jack Kerouac
One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Perfume, Patrick Suskind
Persuasion, Jane Austen
The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen
The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
The Ragged Trousered Philantrhopists, Robert Tressell
Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret History, Donna Tartt
The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
The Stand, Stephen King
The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
Tess Of The D'urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Twits, Roald Dahl
Ulysses, James Joyce
Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy
Watership Down, Richard Adams
The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame
Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne
The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
100 Movies. Bold the Ones That You’ve Seen
Godfather, The (1972)
Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
Schindler's List (1993)
Citizen Kane (1941)
Casablanca (1942)
Seven Samurai (1954)
Star Wars (1977)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Momento (2000)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Rear Window (1954)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Usual Suspects, The (1995)
Amelie (2001)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
North by Northwest (1959)
Psycho (1960)
Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
Angry Men (1957)
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
Goodfellas (1990)
American Beauty (1999)
Vertigo (1958)
Pianist, The (2002)
Sunset Blvd. (1950)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
Matrix, The (1999)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Taxi Driver (1976)
Third Man, The (1949)
Paths of Glory (1957)
Fight Club (1999)
Boot, Das (1981)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
Double Indemnity (1944)
Chinatown (1974)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
All About Eve (1950)
M (1931)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Raging Bull (1980)
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
Se7en (1995)
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000)
Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Vita e bella, La (1997)
American History X (1998)
Sting, The (1973)
Touch of Evil (1958)
Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
Alien (1979)
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
Rashemon (1950)
Leon (1994)
Annie Hall (1977)
Great Escape, The (1963)
Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Sixth Sense, The (1999)
Jaws (1975)
Amadeus (1984)
On the Waterfront (1954)
Ran (1985)
Braveheart (1995)
High Noon (1952)
Fargo (1996)
Blade Runner (1982)
Apartment, The (1960)
Aliens (1986)
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Strangers on a Train (1951)
Modern Times (1936)
Shining, The (1980)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Duck Soup (1933)
Princess Bride, The (1987)
Run Lola Run (1998)
City Lights (1931)
General, The (1927)
Metropolis (1927)
Searchers, The (1956)
Full Metal Jacket
Notorious (1946)
Manhattan (1979)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
The Graduate (1967)
Subject: hey now.
Time: 6:21 am.
it's early. i just got home. maybe then, it's late?
this was my last day of work for awhile. it ended on a good note despite the fact that i've been over-tired and slightly cranky the last two days. they understand. i worked sixty plus hours this week. i should be tired. and cranky.
danny from sliver gave me a ride home. nice guy.
paul from the store down the street wants to take me to the lucinda williams and neil young show today. he's good friends with lu and pettibum so he's got the ins for the show. i don't know paul that well, and maybe i should since he has been stopping into my work six times a day for the last week and a half. the show would be rad to go to, but i don't want to give him the wrong idea. dig?
i like my roommate a lot. he's become a good friend. i got a postcard from him in the mail today. what a bird. he sent it just so i could get some mail.
i'm typing simples sentences. because i am tired. dick and jane. dick and jane. dick and jane.
my mum is visiting for the fourth.
Thursday, June 26th, 2003
Subject: i like when it's this hot. but i still have flannel sheets on my bed.
Time: 2:00 pm.
Mood: hot.
Music: lucinda williams.
so saturday is my last day and then i go on "vacation." i'm stoked. sort of. lately work hasn't been that bad. the money has been more than decent and i've met some really nice folks, sans the the old dude that comes in six times a day who wants to take me to neil young. he's harmless. but believe me, he's old enough to be my father.
the whole point of quitting is to start anew.
i'm a little scared, i must admit. this working odd long hours has kept me from feeling less lonely. i'm a little nervous to be thrust into a non-working life. i will need to keep my self busy by looking for new work and taking advantage of new york and this weather too.
inside my head. a broken record. thinking about the same things over and over and over.
Monday, June 23rd, 2003
Subject: why.
Time: 11:02 am.
neo hippies. old men. and co-workers. why.
and on another note, despite the fact that i do not have a lot of friends in new york city, i still have one very good one in boston. and even when we don't speak for months at a time, i know when i have a problem i can call him.
Friday, June 20th, 2003
Subject: two days off in a row.
Time: 5:01 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music: wilco.
holy hot shit. i like this day off business.
things on the shelf:
my sister is having a baby in august.
my mum might visit me for the fourth.
i don't like drinking anymore.
i need to use drills on a daily basis.
Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
Subject: day off.
Time: 10:56 am.
i was awake only for five hours. so i bought the new radiohead and some sugar free candy.
Monday, June 16th, 2003
Subject: okay.
Time: 3:17 pm.
in two weeks i will regain what people refer to as a life.
this morning i got home at eight in the morning. miguel and i sat on broadway and houston on a defunct fruit stand. inebriated he talked about his fear regarding his mother and cancer, his disintegrating relationship with his long-time girlfriend, social issues of peru and his famous father. he drank budweiser in a twenty four ounce can. i drank diet doctor pepper. i didn't really talk much. i just listened. we got food and sat in tompkins square park. across from the dog run. watched kids walking to school. people walking to work. early morning joggers.
it's all so appealing. this waking life.
i want to learn how to cook. to come home at five. to make dinner. watch the news. read the paper. call friends. hang out. be in bed by ten.
your monotony is what i long for.
sometimes i think too hard about being alone for the rest of my life.
Friday, June 13th, 2003
Subject: for stephen dobyns.
Time: 11:56 am.
heart wants
[these] fissures
[not] to be
saccharine saturated
with
metamorphosing ideologies.
Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
Subject: amazing.
Time: 1:13 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
walking next to the east river at six in the morning.
Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
Subject: hi.
Time: 12:39 pm.
Mood: rejuvenated.
Music: roots. the next movement.
i am weather obsessed. it's going to rain wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday. and how does this make me feel, right now, at this exact moment? completely joyous because i can put off doing laundry. the twenty pounds of dirty clothes can wait another couple of days for the wash rinse dry lovin' it deserves, and i can relax, run, run errands, err in using this beautiful sunny day by hanging out inside, writing and reading.
i went to queens yesterday. i found my beloved target. (theo, a mart, sans the k, in new york? holy hot snakes). i meandered around outer queens and thoroughly enjoyed myself, hitting up small kitschy stores buying odds and ends for the apartment: wooden place mats, oven mits.
i tried on bathing suits. that is another story all together. all i know is that i'd like to visit some beaches this summer.
also. i've been entertaining the idea of attending the atlantic this fall, part time, but the problem lies within the fact that they are not a "real" instituion in regards to accreditation. which means that i'd be spending my own money, with no relief of loan payments. i'd be better off at an accredited school, working towards an mfa.
right? right. i know.
target:
polka dot pajama bottoms
leave-in conditioner
i started reading this old oates book i found at a thrift store. and zizek's welcome to the desert of the real.
sorry for the typos.
Subject: i know that you lurk around once and a bit...
Time: 11:01 pm.
and i want to say thank you for being my friend. and after reading this you will sing the golden girl's theme song for the rest of the day.
Thursday, July 24th, 2003
Time: 11:06 am.
i have been going on dates.
Friday, July 11th, 2003
Subject: EVEN ON THE PHONE MY MUM...
Time: 4:02 pm.
CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN I'M DUE FOR MY PERIOD BY THE TONE IN MY VOICE.
Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
Subject: greetings.
Time: 11:51 am.
i feel settled.
i'm job hunting, so there is this gaping hole in my work life but everything else is pretty much alright. though this settling feeling is fulfilling, i still have these romanticized yearnings to flee to the middle of nowhere. i could bartend and write. plant tomatoes and cut myself off from the rest of this busy world. but i have plenty of time to fulfill that dream. am i really sixty-four?
are you where you want to be in life? if not, i suggest you change it.
Monday, July 7th, 2003
Subject: http://pisces.bubble.com/webstars/friend/friendForm.cfm
Time: 5:09 pm.
erica dow is mysterious and enigmatic; deep, perceptive, powerful, passionate and terribly, terribly sexy! The sentence above must be true because erica is a Scorpio and Scorpios as we all know are infamous for their interest in... well now, here's a funny thing. Despite what they say, Scorpios are not actually quite as wild and wicked as they are painted. erica has, it must be said, a very hypnotic appeal but what's truly mesmerising about erica is not her pout but her perspicacity. erica has an uncanny, almost spooky to see right through you. She can make you feel naked and exposed just by casting one meaningful glance in your direction. What she is looking at though, when she peers below the surface, is not your underwear but your underlying intention! "Where are you coming from? What are you up to? Can you be trusted? Are you going to tell the truth?" These are the questions that erica subconsciously fires out as soon as she sees you. Her inner radar never fails to provide her with the right answer. She is sensitive beyond measure, and it is partly to protect her own sensitivity that she scrutinises people so thoroughly.
There is another reason why erica dow is so keen to see into your soul: she needs to know how sensitive you are. She knows from long, bitter experience that not many people can take the kind of candour that she cannot help but dispense. erica is not a person to mince her words, hold back her opinions or shy away from taboo topics. She doesn't want to cause offence, nor does she want to waste her time, so she picks her confidantes carefully. All of which brings us back to where we began. If you are sensitive enough to appreciate erica's special qualities you will consider that there is something exceptionally sexy about her and she will feel the same way about you. So perhaps erica dow is living proof that it is true what they say about Scorpios after all.
Subject: sweaty.
Time: 5:06 pm.
and feeling less than pretty. and as i walked to kinko's, hairy ratty and no make-up, someone told me i was beautiful.
Saturday, July 5th, 2003
Time: 8:17 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Music: hot ninety-seven.
writing a letter i'll never send to you.
Friday, July 4th, 2003
Subject: tired.
Time: 10:21 pm.
today i stopped breathing on the r train.
three young ladies helped me out in my state of panic.
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
Subject: paint fumes.
Time: 11:54 pm.
a-rocka came over and helped me paint. one more day and i'm done. holla.
Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
Subject: july.
Time: 10:42 am.
holy smokes.
i'm working on my day schedule. i went to bed and nine thirty last night, after i went to the grocery. today i got up at seven-thirty. ran two miles. harassed my health insurance company, called my mother and made breakfast.
in the next few hours i will by paint supplies for my room.
on another note. i met this kid dan on friendster. turns out his mum was my sixth grade teacher.
Sunday, June 29th, 2003
Subject: apparently, i am a geek.
Time: 3:16 pm.
1984, George Orwell
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
The BFG, Roald Dahl
Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
Bleak House, Charles Dickens
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
Catch 22, Joseph Heller
The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
Dune, Frank Herbert
Emma, Jane Austen
Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
The Godfather, Mario Puzo
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
His Dark Materials trilogy, Philip Pullman
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Holes, Louis Sachar
I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
Katherine, Anya Seton
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien
Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blighton
Magician, Raymond E Feist
The Magus, John Fowles
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
Middlemarch, George Eliot
Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
Mort, Terry Pratchett
Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
On The Road, Jack Kerouac
One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Perfume, Patrick Suskind
Persuasion, Jane Austen
The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen
The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
The Ragged Trousered Philantrhopists, Robert Tressell
Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret History, Donna Tartt
The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
The Stand, Stephen King
The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
Tess Of The D'urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Twits, Roald Dahl
Ulysses, James Joyce
Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy
Watership Down, Richard Adams
The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame
Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne
The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
100 Movies. Bold the Ones That You’ve Seen
Godfather, The (1972)
Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
Schindler's List (1993)
Citizen Kane (1941)
Casablanca (1942)
Seven Samurai (1954)
Star Wars (1977)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Momento (2000)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Rear Window (1954)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Usual Suspects, The (1995)
Amelie (2001)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
North by Northwest (1959)
Psycho (1960)
Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
Angry Men (1957)
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
Goodfellas (1990)
American Beauty (1999)
Vertigo (1958)
Pianist, The (2002)
Sunset Blvd. (1950)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
Matrix, The (1999)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Taxi Driver (1976)
Third Man, The (1949)
Paths of Glory (1957)
Fight Club (1999)
Boot, Das (1981)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
Double Indemnity (1944)
Chinatown (1974)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
All About Eve (1950)
M (1931)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Raging Bull (1980)
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
Se7en (1995)
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000)
Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Vita e bella, La (1997)
American History X (1998)
Sting, The (1973)
Touch of Evil (1958)
Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
Alien (1979)
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
Rashemon (1950)
Leon (1994)
Annie Hall (1977)
Great Escape, The (1963)
Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Sixth Sense, The (1999)
Jaws (1975)
Amadeus (1984)
On the Waterfront (1954)
Ran (1985)
Braveheart (1995)
High Noon (1952)
Fargo (1996)
Blade Runner (1982)
Apartment, The (1960)
Aliens (1986)
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Strangers on a Train (1951)
Modern Times (1936)
Shining, The (1980)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Duck Soup (1933)
Princess Bride, The (1987)
Run Lola Run (1998)
City Lights (1931)
General, The (1927)
Metropolis (1927)
Searchers, The (1956)
Full Metal Jacket
Notorious (1946)
Manhattan (1979)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
The Graduate (1967)
Subject: hey now.
Time: 6:21 am.
it's early. i just got home. maybe then, it's late?
this was my last day of work for awhile. it ended on a good note despite the fact that i've been over-tired and slightly cranky the last two days. they understand. i worked sixty plus hours this week. i should be tired. and cranky.
danny from sliver gave me a ride home. nice guy.
paul from the store down the street wants to take me to the lucinda williams and neil young show today. he's good friends with lu and pettibum so he's got the ins for the show. i don't know paul that well, and maybe i should since he has been stopping into my work six times a day for the last week and a half. the show would be rad to go to, but i don't want to give him the wrong idea. dig?
i like my roommate a lot. he's become a good friend. i got a postcard from him in the mail today. what a bird. he sent it just so i could get some mail.
i'm typing simples sentences. because i am tired. dick and jane. dick and jane. dick and jane.
my mum is visiting for the fourth.
Thursday, June 26th, 2003
Subject: i like when it's this hot. but i still have flannel sheets on my bed.
Time: 2:00 pm.
Mood: hot.
Music: lucinda williams.
so saturday is my last day and then i go on "vacation." i'm stoked. sort of. lately work hasn't been that bad. the money has been more than decent and i've met some really nice folks, sans the the old dude that comes in six times a day who wants to take me to neil young. he's harmless. but believe me, he's old enough to be my father.
the whole point of quitting is to start anew.
i'm a little scared, i must admit. this working odd long hours has kept me from feeling less lonely. i'm a little nervous to be thrust into a non-working life. i will need to keep my self busy by looking for new work and taking advantage of new york and this weather too.
inside my head. a broken record. thinking about the same things over and over and over.
Monday, June 23rd, 2003
Subject: why.
Time: 11:02 am.
neo hippies. old men. and co-workers. why.
and on another note, despite the fact that i do not have a lot of friends in new york city, i still have one very good one in boston. and even when we don't speak for months at a time, i know when i have a problem i can call him.
Friday, June 20th, 2003
Subject: two days off in a row.
Time: 5:01 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music: wilco.
holy hot shit. i like this day off business.
things on the shelf:
my sister is having a baby in august.
my mum might visit me for the fourth.
i don't like drinking anymore.
i need to use drills on a daily basis.
Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
Subject: day off.
Time: 10:56 am.
i was awake only for five hours. so i bought the new radiohead and some sugar free candy.
Monday, June 16th, 2003
Subject: okay.
Time: 3:17 pm.
in two weeks i will regain what people refer to as a life.
this morning i got home at eight in the morning. miguel and i sat on broadway and houston on a defunct fruit stand. inebriated he talked about his fear regarding his mother and cancer, his disintegrating relationship with his long-time girlfriend, social issues of peru and his famous father. he drank budweiser in a twenty four ounce can. i drank diet doctor pepper. i didn't really talk much. i just listened. we got food and sat in tompkins square park. across from the dog run. watched kids walking to school. people walking to work. early morning joggers.
it's all so appealing. this waking life.
i want to learn how to cook. to come home at five. to make dinner. watch the news. read the paper. call friends. hang out. be in bed by ten.
your monotony is what i long for.
sometimes i think too hard about being alone for the rest of my life.
Friday, June 13th, 2003
Subject: for stephen dobyns.
Time: 11:56 am.
heart wants
[these] fissures
[not] to be
saccharine saturated
with
metamorphosing ideologies.
Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
Subject: amazing.
Time: 1:13 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
walking next to the east river at six in the morning.
Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
Subject: hi.
Time: 12:39 pm.
Mood: rejuvenated.
Music: roots. the next movement.
i am weather obsessed. it's going to rain wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday. and how does this make me feel, right now, at this exact moment? completely joyous because i can put off doing laundry. the twenty pounds of dirty clothes can wait another couple of days for the wash rinse dry lovin' it deserves, and i can relax, run, run errands, err in using this beautiful sunny day by hanging out inside, writing and reading.
i went to queens yesterday. i found my beloved target. (theo, a mart, sans the k, in new york? holy hot snakes). i meandered around outer queens and thoroughly enjoyed myself, hitting up small kitschy stores buying odds and ends for the apartment: wooden place mats, oven mits.
i tried on bathing suits. that is another story all together. all i know is that i'd like to visit some beaches this summer.
also. i've been entertaining the idea of attending the atlantic this fall, part time, but the problem lies within the fact that they are not a "real" instituion in regards to accreditation. which means that i'd be spending my own money, with no relief of loan payments. i'd be better off at an accredited school, working towards an mfa.
right? right. i know.
target:
polka dot pajama bottoms
leave-in conditioner
i started reading this old oates book i found at a thrift store. and zizek's welcome to the desert of the real.
sorry for the typos.
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