i am in my fifth year of teaching high school english. for the last two and a half years i have been working in an alternative education program at a public school in upstate new york.
people have no concept of what alternative education is. most people just think it is another, perhaps politically correct, name for special education. well, it is not (although some students have individualized education programs or a five o'four plan--but, really a lot of kids do, even in general education classes).
so what is alternative education? well, it is different for every school. the program i work in consists of students who have been disillusioned by their home school experience because they have social issues, or discipline issues, or truancy issues, or academic issues, or have blue hair, or are gay, or enjoy celine dion and have been shunned by all of their peers. in any case, they were not finding success within the structure of their home school. so they come to us, because they don't want to drop out or sit for a general education diploma; they still want a high school experience, but on a smaller scale.
some of my classes contain three students. some fifteen. all the students spend part of their school day in the alternative education program, and spend the other half in a career and technical class (i.e. international virtual business, computer networking, fashion, et cetera).
for the most part, all of my students like the program. they even like me (even though i am beyond this: i don't care if they like me, as long as they respect me). the one thing they all have in common: they dislike work, homework and or in-class work.
as a general rule, i try to do all the assignments i give my students. if i end up hating the assignment, i change it and or never do it again. so i try to make my assignments relevant and as exciting as i can make english assignments for those that hate the subject (which is about ninety percent of my students--although, i must say, they do all the assignments i ask of them, and usually do so without complaining, unless of course, the assignment really sucks, i.e. regents preparatory work).
for my journalism class i had them set up a blog (not linked to this one). the following is first assignment that i gave them, which i did as well:
who am I?
five things that define who am i am are as follows:
food.
writing.
my father.
coffee.
music.
well, the first is pretty obvious, if i'm not working or sleeping, i'm stuffing my face with various food prodcuts. mostly cheese and chocolate. i eat the most ridiculously large breakfast every morning before work and on the weekends--mostly because i don't eat at work (they serve lunch at 10:30 and really, the only appropriate foods to eat at 10:30 in the morning is BREAKFAST). when i get home from work i gorge on dishes almost every hour (until seven, when i usually pass out in a food related coma) that must, MUST, include cheese. usually a quesadilla. or a cheese sandwich. or nachos.
writing. i like writing, although i don't fancy that i'm actually good at it anymore.
as far as my father is concerned, i lost him almost thirteen year ago to cancer. i still think of him everyday, as i am filled with constant reminders that trigger some sort of paternal nostalgia.
coffee. nuff' said. what teachers don't drink coffee? if they don't, then they cannot call themselves an educator. it is a standard in the profession to have horrible coffee breath for students to remember (and cringe in the thought) for the rest of their lives.
if you don't like music, then you are not a human. cat power. jose gonzalez. bon iver. tom waits. the hold steady. radiohead. bob dylan. life of agony.
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
eighteen.
December 9, 2008 - Tuesday
logging thoughts.
I bought Ponaris Nasal Emoillent today, and it was like dropping liquid pine into my nose. I cannot wash away that slick oily feeling that has built up in the back of my tongue.
_______________________
As an English teacher I love words. But words have power. And some powerful words that I hate (when used in a negative way) are as follows: fag, dyke, gay, nigger, bitch, fat, and retard.
And maybe some people use these words in a way that empower, but I am not one hundred percent for the appropriation of words, even though people believe they are turning a “negative into a positive.” These words are (still) hurtful and base.
______________________
I’m even a bad mother to my own dogs.
_______________________
I need a nap.
______________________
Sometimes I don’t feel complete. What is missing?
_______________________
Insane Clown Posse. What the fuck. So bad.
December 8, 2008 - Monday
this is my blog...
for the writing challenge i have been given. some blogs items will be public, and others will be for my preferred list, and sometimes for myself.
6:00AM- i woke up thing about how i really don't have my own spaghetti recipe, and i'd love an easy one to modify and call my own. my mother has what i consider a really complicated recipe (perhaps the process is too long for my sometimes impatient self), which i have never even attempted to make. i eat sauce almost everyday, and it is always from a jar.
7:00AM - (recording) how am i going to write my thoughts down and drive at the same time? seven o'clock hits when i'm about halfway through my commute. and driving and writing don't mix. so i have a recording mechanism on my phone, so i'm going to utilize this application in the moments that writing can be unsafe.
8:00AM - i should be the poster child for vera wang. i would be her best marketing tool as i am wearing vera wang earrings, pants, and blouse.
9:00AM - miserably hungry, it is ridiculous! i didn't eat breakfast today. and i forgot to pack a lunch and snack. and the cinnamon pop tart i purchased from the vending machine i call 'el diablo' has made me even more hungry.
10:00AM - lunch, lunch, lunch. even though i don't have anything to eat, i welcome the break with a hot cup of coffee. i sort of dread lunch at the same time, because it is followed by my third period. and third period is the tenth grade. and tenth graders are ridiculous. i can feel an anxious knot growing in my stomach.
11:00AM - cyanide and happiness cartoons blow. and i'm wondering if it is because i'm old and my sense of humor is just different (or perhaps i am old AND crotchety). i love 'the perry bible fellowship' cartoons (http://www.pbfcomics.com/) and 'toothpaste for dinner'(http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/) but my students are not interested in my brand of online cartoon humor.
12:00PM - fun. third period is sometimes fun (even when they are bad). i should write a book on classroom management class. three rules: no throwing things, no touching, no running around. picture these commands on repeat. but no one listens. they are bad. but, they need to be goofy. perhaps i am guilty of being too flexible, too nice? they need to be goofy sometimes, right? pencil thrown: so what was their punishment? dance out the macarena! and they did without telling me to fuck off. every time they get in trouble, they are going to have to dance!
1:00PM - oh shit. progress reports (are due to tomorrow).
**note: i started working on them as soon as i wrote this down. which is good, because i forever procrastinate when it comes to grading. i'm a lousy teacher.
2:00 - (recording) there is this point in the mohawk river that seems so low. it is a point i can see from I890 in the scotia area. it is so low, i can see long arms of rock from each bank stretching out to reach each other, but they never connect, separated by a few yards (how big is a yard? i don't even know how to gauge it, except from the mental football field map in my head). if i walked down the river's bank, could i walk across the mohawk without drowning, without the water covering my head? how deep is the mohawk at its deepest point? how shallow is the river at its most shallow point? wikipedia? but, doesn't it always change with erosion?
3:00 - consumed with the writing challenge. this challenge is good for me. i complain about how all my thoughts are stuck in my head, and i want to be a writer! in my head, now on paper. the recording device will help me. progress report ugh. and, so hungry.
4:00PM - sitting, typing, listening, full. thinking of the work i have to do.
5:00PM - my toes are so cold, even wrapped up in tights and socks. i know they are purple.
6:00PM - tyler pooped on the floor and ate it. i smelled her poopy breath and wanted to cry. grading is awful. i'm glad i'm not in high school.
7:00PM - grandma is missing jeopardy and her bed time is fast approaching. when will the work end?
8:00PM - tired.
__________________________
food and drink and worst knock-knock joke ever!
kashi crunch!
coffee!
cranberry juice!
hummus and triscuits!
water!
pizza!
milk!
eggplant parmesan and angel hair!
white hot chocolate!
i wish i had some of that whipped chocolate cheesecake left! i'm hungry again.
knock, knock!
who is there?
oswald!
oswald who?!
OSWALD MY GUM!
bada dada doo-cha!
__________________________
for tracey.
Current mood: nostalgic
thank you for being a motivator and a new good friend.
okay, on the way home from a pretty dang good dinner at romano's (and a liquid refreshment break at dunkin donuts--i highly recommend the white hot chocolate, it is fabulous and will make you feel like a kid again) i heard bruce springsteen's cheesy new single "working on a dream" on wext 97.7. as cheesy as it is, i will always have a special place in my heart for bruce. he reminds me of being sixteen, sitting on my filthy pink carpet in my bedroom playing all of my dad's bootleg "bruce springsteen live in concert" cassette tapes. i would sit in my room and listen and cry.
there is just something about bruce's words that echo true in my own heart:
Out here the nights are long, the days are lonely
I think of you and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Now the cards I've drawn's a rough hand, darling
I straighten my back and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Though sometimes it feels so far away
I'm working on a dream
I know it will be mine someday
Rain pourin' down, I swing my hammer
My hands are rough from working on a dream
From working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Though trouble can feel like it's here to stay
I'm working on a dream
Our love will chase the trouble away
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
The sunrise come, I climb the ladder
The new day breaks and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
December 7, 2008 - Sunday
this is not my real blog (regarding my myspace blog).
but sometimes i'll post things here that i would like to share with everyone. if you are interested in my real blogs, i'll share them with you if you are lucky!
<3,
me
logging thoughts.
I bought Ponaris Nasal Emoillent today, and it was like dropping liquid pine into my nose. I cannot wash away that slick oily feeling that has built up in the back of my tongue.
_______________________
As an English teacher I love words. But words have power. And some powerful words that I hate (when used in a negative way) are as follows: fag, dyke, gay, nigger, bitch, fat, and retard.
And maybe some people use these words in a way that empower, but I am not one hundred percent for the appropriation of words, even though people believe they are turning a “negative into a positive.” These words are (still) hurtful and base.
______________________
I’m even a bad mother to my own dogs.
_______________________
I need a nap.
______________________
Sometimes I don’t feel complete. What is missing?
_______________________
Insane Clown Posse. What the fuck. So bad.
December 8, 2008 - Monday
this is my blog...
for the writing challenge i have been given. some blogs items will be public, and others will be for my preferred list, and sometimes for myself.
6:00AM- i woke up thing about how i really don't have my own spaghetti recipe, and i'd love an easy one to modify and call my own. my mother has what i consider a really complicated recipe (perhaps the process is too long for my sometimes impatient self), which i have never even attempted to make. i eat sauce almost everyday, and it is always from a jar.
7:00AM - (recording) how am i going to write my thoughts down and drive at the same time? seven o'clock hits when i'm about halfway through my commute. and driving and writing don't mix. so i have a recording mechanism on my phone, so i'm going to utilize this application in the moments that writing can be unsafe.
8:00AM - i should be the poster child for vera wang. i would be her best marketing tool as i am wearing vera wang earrings, pants, and blouse.
9:00AM - miserably hungry, it is ridiculous! i didn't eat breakfast today. and i forgot to pack a lunch and snack. and the cinnamon pop tart i purchased from the vending machine i call 'el diablo' has made me even more hungry.
10:00AM - lunch, lunch, lunch. even though i don't have anything to eat, i welcome the break with a hot cup of coffee. i sort of dread lunch at the same time, because it is followed by my third period. and third period is the tenth grade. and tenth graders are ridiculous. i can feel an anxious knot growing in my stomach.
11:00AM - cyanide and happiness cartoons blow. and i'm wondering if it is because i'm old and my sense of humor is just different (or perhaps i am old AND crotchety). i love 'the perry bible fellowship' cartoons (http://www.pbfcomics.com/) and 'toothpaste for dinner'(http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/) but my students are not interested in my brand of online cartoon humor.
12:00PM - fun. third period is sometimes fun (even when they are bad). i should write a book on classroom management class. three rules: no throwing things, no touching, no running around. picture these commands on repeat. but no one listens. they are bad. but, they need to be goofy. perhaps i am guilty of being too flexible, too nice? they need to be goofy sometimes, right? pencil thrown: so what was their punishment? dance out the macarena! and they did without telling me to fuck off. every time they get in trouble, they are going to have to dance!
1:00PM - oh shit. progress reports (are due to tomorrow).
**note: i started working on them as soon as i wrote this down. which is good, because i forever procrastinate when it comes to grading. i'm a lousy teacher.
2:00 - (recording) there is this point in the mohawk river that seems so low. it is a point i can see from I890 in the scotia area. it is so low, i can see long arms of rock from each bank stretching out to reach each other, but they never connect, separated by a few yards (how big is a yard? i don't even know how to gauge it, except from the mental football field map in my head). if i walked down the river's bank, could i walk across the mohawk without drowning, without the water covering my head? how deep is the mohawk at its deepest point? how shallow is the river at its most shallow point? wikipedia? but, doesn't it always change with erosion?
3:00 - consumed with the writing challenge. this challenge is good for me. i complain about how all my thoughts are stuck in my head, and i want to be a writer! in my head, now on paper. the recording device will help me. progress report ugh. and, so hungry.
4:00PM - sitting, typing, listening, full. thinking of the work i have to do.
5:00PM - my toes are so cold, even wrapped up in tights and socks. i know they are purple.
6:00PM - tyler pooped on the floor and ate it. i smelled her poopy breath and wanted to cry. grading is awful. i'm glad i'm not in high school.
7:00PM - grandma is missing jeopardy and her bed time is fast approaching. when will the work end?
8:00PM - tired.
__________________________
food and drink and worst knock-knock joke ever!
kashi crunch!
coffee!
cranberry juice!
hummus and triscuits!
water!
pizza!
milk!
eggplant parmesan and angel hair!
white hot chocolate!
i wish i had some of that whipped chocolate cheesecake left! i'm hungry again.
knock, knock!
who is there?
oswald!
oswald who?!
OSWALD MY GUM!
bada dada doo-cha!
__________________________
for tracey.
Current mood: nostalgic
thank you for being a motivator and a new good friend.
okay, on the way home from a pretty dang good dinner at romano's (and a liquid refreshment break at dunkin donuts--i highly recommend the white hot chocolate, it is fabulous and will make you feel like a kid again) i heard bruce springsteen's cheesy new single "working on a dream" on wext 97.7. as cheesy as it is, i will always have a special place in my heart for bruce. he reminds me of being sixteen, sitting on my filthy pink carpet in my bedroom playing all of my dad's bootleg "bruce springsteen live in concert" cassette tapes. i would sit in my room and listen and cry.
there is just something about bruce's words that echo true in my own heart:
Out here the nights are long, the days are lonely
I think of you and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Now the cards I've drawn's a rough hand, darling
I straighten my back and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Though sometimes it feels so far away
I'm working on a dream
I know it will be mine someday
Rain pourin' down, I swing my hammer
My hands are rough from working on a dream
From working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Though trouble can feel like it's here to stay
I'm working on a dream
Our love will chase the trouble away
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
The sunrise come, I climb the ladder
The new day breaks and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
December 7, 2008 - Sunday
this is not my real blog (regarding my myspace blog).
but sometimes i'll post things here that i would like to share with everyone. if you are interested in my real blogs, i'll share them with you if you are lucky!
<3,
me
thirteen.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
An old poem.
I.
Today in the bathroom mirror I traced
the outlines of your furrowed visage and (my bleared eyes
brought us back to the living room on Three Kingsboro Avenue:
I, stoned, in that burlap chair.
You, still, on the couch)
the scar that would have been
if your neck had healed.
II.
Today felt like autumn.
Nose ruddy from north winds blowing through Avenue C:
I thought of those silly incantations in October afternoons,
urging drafts to emulsify—vivify
your relics.
III.
Today I read Walt Whitman, in honor of you.
Ruminations of his springs as my falls.
His lilacs, my begonias and grub bugs.
Graybeard's empyrean sky, my garden
where three-quarters of your ashes lie.
[October 2nd, 2003 Notation]
This October marks the beginning of the eighth stanza of my changed life. I am sure I will not 'cease my song for thee' as long as memory persists.
_________________________________________
Erica L. Dow 2003 5:29 AM
Friday, April 11, 2008
in loco parentis.
a colleague of mine has had a pretty rocky year. most are unsympathetic, and by far, the students are the ones who are the most ruthless. why is it, that we as teachers, can be so accommodating and forgiving of all of our students' problems and attitudes, but when we have a "bad" day we are no longer categorized as humans, but as monsters?
how is it that a student can yell at me for something that they did wrong, and not understand the legitimate consequences of his or her own poorly deliberated (and often unhealthy) decisions? why is that my seniors (my favorites), the most mature, the ones closest to plunging into the real world of it all, can be so hurtful?
Monday, April 07, 2008
a funeral.
recently, i read a blog by a talented individual about her experience disposing the artistic extensions of who she was, to embrace the person she is today. her blog made me think about what part of the old me I have been holding on to, even in the latter part of this new decade of age. i thought about whether or not i would have the cojones to rid myself of the only artistic expression that i was once (and maybe still am?) good at, but i’ve come to realize that i could never part with any of my writings, as much of it deals with my own grief regarding my dead father.
i’ve been thinking long and hard about what it is that i would like to bury, in hopes that a new me can grow from the dead weight of the old me. i decided that i would like to bury my silence and submissive attitude.
it has been far too easy for me to be quiet for all these years, silent in my own company, and painfully so in the presence of others. it is far to easy to say nothing even when i do have something to say. and,i do have something to say; i always have something to say. so today i will bury this part of the old me and embrace what it is that is now a part of the new me.
i want to thank this person (and her blog) for sharing her own experience and insight, as it has greatly helped me in discovering that we are all works in progress and that sometimes it is okay to just let go.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
new goal:
honesty, remix:
i will forever remain misunderstood if i allow my voice to be muted for the sake of other peoples' voiced opinions and or feelings. i will never be heard (or read, in this case), if i let my words fall to the knotted pit of my anxious stomach, only to be digested internally with the occasional flare up of heartacheburn. further, my new goal is not intended for the sole purpose of stirring shit up, or to exercise my right to be a bitch. its purpose is to get everything inside of me, out.
Monday, March 24, 2008
an unhealthy relationship with a blog.
my not-so-secret obsession is lurking profiles and reading blogs. this has been a voyeuristic habit of mine since the early days of livejournal. i don’t know what it is about blogs, but i’m hooked beyond a normal degree. i think i enjoy gaining insight to other’s lives, not to fulfill some empty space of dissatisfaction in my own, but perhaps to gauge my day to day experiences and emotions against another’s and, in totality, gauge my own sanity, or the times there is a lack thereof.
i’m obsessed with a local blogger whose life is an absolute fucking train wreck, and i cannot, for the life me, stop reading this person’s blog (and this person is not a "friend" in the myspace sense of the word, or even in the in-real-life sense of the word). i dislike this person with many fibers of my being, so why is it that i am glued to his or her blog? do i enjoy watching his or her plagued life unfold before my eyes? no, because it is beyond anti-climatic. do i wish ill will on he or she? no, because he or she has enough of his or her own to deal with. does this person make me feel secure within my own sanity? a little. i’ll tell you why i’m hooked: i’ve never been witness to such a disaster of a person in my entire life (textually and literally). never have i had such an experience to meet and read about a person who has so little regard for other people--his or her behavior is despicable, dehumanizing, and shamefully ostentatious.
what angers me the most is that the limits of this person’s lack of tact go well beyond personal interactions on a day to day basis--it is broadcast through online social networking sites. and i may be a hypocrite, as i stand a lesson or two in keeping private matters private, but i pride my self in being honest, careful, and somewhat cryptic in my textual deliveries of my somewhat suppressed emotional states.
this person’s blog perpetuates the severe dislike i already had for this person, so why do i willingly and faithfully read this blog on a day to day basis? because it reinforces not only what is wrong with this world, but makes me appreciate all the rights.
Monday, February 25, 2008
i don’t fit in.
and i probably never will. i know this. and, i am perfectly okay with this.
Monday, January 28, 2008
winter thaw.
a few things, which i would like to type out for my future self's sake:
one. i love the warmth and smell of my dingy dog so much it makes my heart melt.
two. i wrote a poem last week, whilst the students were taking part two of the english regents examination.
three. i hate my job.
four. i'm going to attempt writing a book. it will most likely turn out to be a novella. it has everything to do with item number three, but it will be partially fictionalized.
five. scary mansion sounds like cat power. and cat power's new album sucks.
six. i hate your fucking surveys, so stop, please.
seven. i like to make lists.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Sometimes I question my profession...
Current mood: calm.
Currently listening : I’m Sorry That Sometimes I’m Mean
By: Kimya Dawson
Release date: 02 December, 2003
..and what i love.
When I grow up I'd like to be a(n):
Radio jockey.
Veterinarian.
Writer.
Cosmetologist.
Social worker.
Massage therapist.
Actor (again).
As for hobbies, I'd like to:
Volunteer for a local pet rescue.
Be a seller on Ebay.
Learn to play guitar from Jacob.
Construct a four square team or kickball team (high school coach).
Knit.
Monday, October 15, 2007
if you’re racist... that scares me.
if you're sexist, xenophobic, and or homophobic, that scares me too.
scares me into being angry at you. and, not liking you. don't be an idiot.
just sayin'.
Friday, October 12, 2007
black francis and the christmas tree shop.
what the hell happened to black francis? captain pasty is THE WORST song ever.
and, i think the christmas tree shop should be burnt down. ALL of them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
a deer, i hit.
i was very prepared for a long and eventful day. i woke up at ten of five this morning. i coffee'd, i showered, i packed for the gym, i packed for parent-teacher night. i left at around 6:30 this morning. i and my automobile traveled down state street, through the light that intersects 30A. i drove past hussman, and i drove past the forrester's club. and i almost made it to the sign that denotes the change of speed limit from forty miles per hour to fifty-five miles per hour. but, i did not make it, which could have been my saving grace.
a pack of my favorite large-sized furry friends--a mother, a father, and child--traveled across the paved way through the agragian panorama of mayfield. i did not hit the brakes hard, as the road was slick from a damp night. but in this instance brakes would not have stopped me from hitting the stalwart hind-end of one of the deers. all i saw, in my periphery, was the deer flip, as the other two ran off to the sanctity of the woods.
i just remember shaking uncontrollably, but i was not hurt (thankfully).
this experience made me think about why people hunt. it seems so foolish. i feared that the deer i hit would die (a driver of the local transportation system of gloversville, who witnessed the entire scene told me the hit deer ran off). i felt an overwhelming sensation of grief thinking about the more-than-likely-fatally-injured animal and thought: why would anyone purposely kill for sport? it seems so asinine and cruel.
this entry was sort of tangential. for those of you that are worried about me, i'm fine, though my nerves are shot.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Hulk Hogan and Bruce Springsteen.
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Currently listening : Zeitgeist
By: Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: 10 July, 2007
i feel horribly guilty even admitting that when i was much, much younger i yearned for a famous dad. my famous dream dads were: hulk hogan and bruce springsteen. hulk hogan, back in the day seemed so outrageous, yet down to earth. i have recently divorced my dream of having hogan as a dad--his show "hogan knows best" dashed my childhood dreams; he has has become too hollywood and oily (and tan!) and extremely outrageous, to a sickening degree.
bruce, on the other hand, is still unbelievably amazing.
but, neither can compare to the father i lost over twelve years ago.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Working.
Well, I went to work on Monday and promised myself I would return Tuesday and Wednesday. I broke my promise to myself. And here I sit wishing I went in. What prevented me? Sound sleep with dreams of neck biting zombies, sexing snakes, and mentally perverse murderers.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
september twenty-fourth.
[insert picture of laproscopy]
Saturday, July 28, 2007
one of the worst feelings.
at least for me, is to be slighted by loved ones when simple acts of consideration can make all the difference in one's day.
i'm just menstrual, i suppose.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
new doctor.
i finally got a new doctor, as my last appointment with the previous doctor was a train wreck. bad news is that i pretty much have endometriosis. and my cyst is still hanging around. i have an appointment with the new doctor on the first of august. wish me luck.
i missed the lemonheads last saturday, and a joyce carol oates reading at skidmore on the eleventh.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
blogs.
i read them and now i have gone back to reading livejournals too. thank goodness i will be working on kevin's project soon.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Future plans, summer plans.
So I am opting not to teach summer school, as I told my friend Natasha I believe the abuse that summer school represents could be likened to the torture one would receive in the Malebolge of Dante's Inferno. I hope I get to work the days I put in for at the school, as the pay is hella and it is at my leisure and can be done from home (I love the Internet).
So on this list of summer plans slash ideas:
1. A trip to Animal Land (shut up, I want to pet the llamas).
2. THE MOTHER-EFFIN GREAT ESCAPE AND SPLASH WATER KINGDOM.
3. Field hockey summer league in Gloversville or maybe a field hockey team in Albany (which I might add: the first scrimmage is this Sunday at 6:30 at UAlbany, on the turf).
4. Gym membership or some place that offers yoga. I really want to do Bikram yoga on the regular, but I am unaware of where I should actually go.
5. An all ladies trip to a spa in Saratoga.
6. Lotsa horse-ball and bowling.
7. Fixing my Peugeot inner-tube and blazing trails on two wheels throughout the Kingdom of Fulton County.
6. A summer bartending gig (maybe Saratoga). I did bartend in SoHo for two years whilst living in the city. I am no Tom Cruise from Cocktail, but I am fast and can make a innovative cocktail in a minute.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
On seeing a specialist.
All of my doctor experiences in Gloversville, aside from my pediatric care, have been pitiful and confusing: antiquated tools of the trade, as in ultrasound machines from '84 and filing systems on computers older than I (Commodore); cramped dirty rooms; and megalomaniacal local doctors.
What it is inside me is not known. I have a fourth appointment in a month regarding the size of my (it belongs to me; I have taken ownership of this undesirable abnormal character) ovarian cyst, with free flowing browned blood swimming inside. My last appointment the doctor had a "hypothetical" conversation with me regarding endometriosis and my "potential" issues with infertility. All of which was grounded in speculation, as hard evidence in the form of testing does not exist. His solution to my health issue was to sit and wait and agonize for one more month.
I should see a specialist outside of this area.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
on being tired.
it seems these days that if i tell someone i'm tired, the retort i generally receive is "wait 'til you have kids." hi, i have kids. fifty-six of them to be exact. and last year i had eighty seven, and the year before that, over one hundred and five. the way things are going, anatomically speaking, i might not be able to have kids, so one: it bothers me when people say this because of my recent issues with health; and two: it is rude to assume that i don't know the meaning of tired considering my life, personal, and professional interests have everything to do with children and young adults.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
I’m just a quiet person.
I know some of you think I have been quiet and maybe sort of "off" lately. Maybe you think I don't like you because I don't have a lot to say—this is wrong. I'm just a quiet person.
I've never felt comfortable talking around people; I have never felt comfortable with having friends. For more than ten years I have been on my own, for the most part. In high school I had a small group of close friends, but watched those relationships either fade or disintegrate for one reason or another (college, time, distance damage, arguments, et cetera). In college I had one solid friend, but after graduation our relationship became diluted by our post-college interests and careers. My early years in New York City and Boston were clouded with getting to know these new places—and I wasn't in these places long enough to establish any friendships. The last few years in New York yielded one solid friendship with a colleague and since my relocation to upstate we have lost touch too.
I have Jacob and his wonderful family, Tyler, and my family and I am satisfied with these things—and I don't mind sharing the wealth because each are amazing and intoxicating and their energy needs to be shared with others. But, I'm not ready to share too much of myself with anyone outside these things just yet. I'm nervously shy, complicated (who isn't), emotional, and quietly contemplative; I don't want you to confuse these aspects of my personality by equating me with a bitch or think that I am judging you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Memento Mori: Loki
Yesterday, almost home, from my tiring hour commute from work, my mother called to discuss and weep, the decision she and Ron made to put Loki down, as he was very ill during the night. She told me he was euthanized at 10:30 in the morning and they had plans to bury his body (as opposed to shipping him off to an Albany crematorium) just beyond the small tree farm, slightly before the wood of their ever-expansive acreage.
I won't spare the details. My mother woke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and returned to bed. It is customary for Loki to follow anyone he feels the need to protect, even if the distance is a few feet. Both returned to sleep. But Ron woke in the middle of the night startled by a strange smell and woke my mother and they both found Loki lying in a pool of his own tar-like feces. They took him outside so he could eliminate more without embarrassment, cleaned him up, and fixed him up a resting spot in the garage. I doubt if any of them slept.
In the morning my brother brought up his mini-van to transport Loki to the veterinarian. I was told Loki had a large tumor in his stomach and a tumor on his spleen; his blood work was far from copacetic.
We got Loki shortly after my father died. He was the best thing for us at the time, as we no longer could mope about when there was a puppy to look after. He was good for all of us; a good companion that forced us to stop grieving once in a while. He was an integral part of my post-pubescent existence. He was my furry four-legged protector and constant shadow.
After eleven years it is natural for a family to move from one stage of life to other stages. I went to college, moved about the Northeast, settled in New York City for more than three years before moving back Upstate to be closer to my family and to Jacob. My mother found love again, remarried, and relocated a few towns over. My brother has been preserving my childhood memory of "home," found love, and is a loving father of two and a soon-to-be husband. With all the changes in our family dynamic, Loki was our constant—the tangible furry glue of a once three-member family who had lost their fourth. Yesterday I felt like my memories of what used to be, what once was, were gone; that without Loki to remind me of my sixteen year old self and grueling depressive years to follow I would not know what to turn to when memories are needed.
But memories never really expire—the sound of my father's voice faded long ago, but this does not mean I don't remember his words. I will never have that midnight black shadow of Loki to follow me from room to room, but I will never forget him and what he represents in the grander scale of things. But, I will surely miss him; he was a good boy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
ge commercials make me laugh.
they sure do.
i have two doctor's appointments in the next two weeks to clarify the length of my life i'm sure.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
ovarian cyst.
this might be too much information about ms. dow than you would care to know. know this: i have a cyst on one of my ovaries. but, i really think my ovary has sprouted arms and is punching me, repeatedly, in the gut. or it is dancing, drunk, wildly, around my fallopian tube.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Air.
In the very early mornings and in the early evenings I enjoy spending more time in the yard with Tyler. It is because of the air—crisp and intoxicating.
I remember living off of Houston and between Avenue C and D. Waking to the smells of exhaust filtering through my south bound window and walking home from bartending in the wee hours of the morning, disgusted more by the smell of dirty air than the foul sticky smell of dried alcohol and cigarette smoke that clung to my clothes and hair. On Twenty-ninth Street, just off of Fourth Avenue, the same dingy highway-like air made me want to die as my hand griped my inhaler.
Another reason I am happy about my move: air.
Friday, March 23, 2007
also, i like to read blogs.
even if i don't know you. i would read livejournals all day, but now it's myspace blogs. if you have a tracker i'm not stalking you. i just like blogs.
----------
a dream about dying. i had today. and i woke up all tears.
the sequence of the dream images leading up to the "death scene" is confusing, but i ended up in a vestibule of a house, perhaps a rustic cabin. i was accompanied by a host, and at this point it escapes me whether or not this host was human or animal. i'm thinking it was a human, as he (not she) spoke to me in standard american english. i was also surrounded by a grey and white kitten and what i remember to be a rabbit who told me he (yes, he) rode bulls. i do believe the kitten represents the non-verbal communication of love as i was asked to mimic its actions, which of course consisted of nuzzling against me, the host, and the rabbit, whilst purring. the rabbit, who happened to also speak standard american english, told me the hardest challenges he endured in his lifetime was riding bulls. i think this is linked, metaphorically, to the challenges we all have in life (juxtaposed, of course, to what i will now refer to as the "kitten" experience we all long for when faced with tough challenges). the rabbit suggested to me that another good outlet to the feeling associated with being challenged (frustration) is to dance it off. i remember in my dream i closed my eyes and wriggled to a the beat of deep sadness i seem to hold in my heart in my conscious life.
after the lectures, the dancing, and the nuzzling (it happened in this order) my host was about to tell me it was "time to go." i told him i was aware of what was happening (although i am positive he, nor the others, were trying to be tricksy) , even though i did not want to go through with it.
he opened the door to the "outside" world, which of course offered its light to the darkness of the vestibule. i remember i asked my host if it was okay to be scared. he replied that it was perfectly okay to be scared, but assured me there was nothing to be afraid of. i asked him if i would have just as many friends on the other side, to which he replied "of course. you will have as many friends as you need."
before i walked through the threshold, i woke up (crying).
Sunday, March 18, 2007
two excellent movies.
i recommend the following:
brick
and
half nelson
Monday, March 12, 2007
built by wendy.
wendy mullin i love your clothes, but why so pricey? design a line for target.
my wallet hates you wendy.
---------
the tale of the winter piglet. i cannot stop eating. even when i am not hungry i still eat. i dream of ice cream while i eat cookies. of bagels when i eat muffins. food is all i want. all. the. time.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
target and clothes.
when i moved to new york city, four years ago, i discovered the glory of target. i became an avid disciple--namely, for clothes. to this day i still get most of my clothes from target. i am extremely tickled by the the design for all program they have implemented. i have loved all the go designers, save for maybe two (the past winter season selection was disgusting).
i am so happy that proenza schouler is designing affordable (super cheap prices, but great quality) clothes for target. my only issue with them is the season they have chosen to design for. all the vibrant colors make me want to die (save for the purple pencil skirt)--i only wished they designed for the fall season. their fall clothing is amazing (proenza schouler fall 2005)
Saturday, February 10, 2007
mark strand poem
"Coming To This"
We have done what we wanted.
We have discarded dreams, preferring the heavy industry
of each other, and we have welcomed grief
and called ruin the impossible habit to break.
And now we are here.
The dinner is ready and we cannot eat.
The meat sits in the white lake of its dish.
The wine waits.
Coming to this
has its rewards: nothing is promised, nothing is taken away.
We have no heart or saving grace,
no place to go, no reason to remain.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
dog babies and homework.
i was on the couch last night. jacob was doing his homework and i said:
"tyler would be the worst mommy. she'd probably eat her kids."
tyler will never have babies, unless by miracle, which made me sort of sad. maybe she would be a good mother? but, i'm still convinced she'd mouth atleast one of them.
----------
i'm so hungry i could eat ten biggy iggy ice cream sandwiches from stewart's.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Naps.
I haven't been taking them as much as my body yearns for them.
I take them when I am tired.
I take them when I am depressed because I'd rather sleep than tap into hatred.
I take them when I long for company when Jacob is not around. Tyler is warm and snores like Jacob too.
---------
On another note altogether, why do people seem sketchy? Maybe I am paranoid.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
also, a poem rather, an excerpt:
what are words, i want to ask you, what
is clarity and why do words keep burning
a century later, though the earth
weighs so much?
from "a talk with friedrich nietzsche" by adam zagajewski.
--------
antigone. i'm going to watch this movie in the absence of my other half. then i will gouge my eyes out in reverence.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
My Chelsea students...
I just want to say these things: I miss you all (even the ones who drove me nuts--you know who you are) and I am proud of you all. Class of 2008, you are the best group of young adults, ever.
Friday, December 29, 2006
shaking hands with a genius.
i went to applebee's and had kettle (tavern) chips smothered with cheese and bacon. i wish i invented this dish.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
my heart attack.
salmon wrapped in bacon topped with cheese. best. dinner. ever.
atleast today ended on a good note. this weekend was abysmal.
--------
for mary... your profile makes my computer freeze:
[insert absent image of dancing robot]
Saturday, December 09, 2006
friend.
you know, it has been about seven years since i had a good best friend. i had natasha, but after college we grew apart and now she lives in scotland with her husband and dog. i became close with nikki in brooklyn as we lived together, briefly, and co-taught together for two years at chelsea. and here i am, in this bleak town and i feel pretty lonely. maybe that is why i liked living in new york: i was always too busy to be lonely. here i have more time on my hands than i can actually deal with and i find myself sleeping a good chunk of it away because i'm so blah (minus the time spent with jacob).
Saturday, December 02, 2006
esouh.
i want to puke all over myself.
Monday, November 27, 2006
crap carp prac parc arcp
Last night I zoned out during the shittiest movie ever, "The DaVinci Code," and for moments I truly thought I was a clairvoyant, as I seemed to see clearly into my doomy future where I only wore sweatpants, ate noodles with butter, and lamented to Jacob that shampoo and soap should be separate showering entities and or luxuries.
This house shit has my brain on the fritz and I wonder if we can really do this without going stark-raving loonie. I think to myself: "I have to do this; I am twenty seven. I have no babies, I cannot rent forever..I am an adult, right?"
What if I had stayed in Brooklyn? What would it have been like? The traveling would tear us apart. Now that I am here will our obsessive-compulsive, fixative habits make us want to bounce off each other like walking padded rooms, or will we just stick together like glue and have our insecurities co-mingle in an emotional tick-oriented bliss?
I can speculate about what it would have been like to have stayed in Brooklyn, but what I have learned is that love is worth more than a twelve-grand pay cut and feeling severely uncomfortable, socially, in this insular town--it is transcendent.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I should have stayed in Brooklyn.
Sometimes I think this.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Slang.
One thing I miss about being in the city is slang. Someone used the phrase dead-ass in class the other day (in an awkward manner no less--it sounded less like one huffy fast deadass and more like dead-pause-pause-pause-asssssss) and I felt like telling him that phrase is so beat these days. But how would he know? What is hip here was hip more than two years ago down there. I don't even want to get into music or the style of clothes.
Yes, I used the word hip. Shut up.
Friday, October 27, 2006
On Walking Dogs.
Current mood: annoyed
Currently listening: Mule Variations
By: Tom Waits
Release date: 27 April, 1999
Walking dogs should be done, always, with leashes. Aside from my roommates' dog that happens to be the most docile and oblivious dog I know to date, all dogs should be walked with a leash. I will even say that any dog walker walking a dog without a leash is full-fledged moron. My case in point: yesterday afternoon, after arriving at my apartment to pick up some things for a night of grading at JV's while he was in class, I witnessed a small dog (a size-challenged breed I personally abhor) being attacked by to unleashed dogs. If it wasn't bad enough watching a small dog being mauled by some feral-looking, hick-bred dog, compound this image with a wire-hanger abortion scream coming from a young girl still holding onto the leash of her small dog. Then to add to the chaotic cacophony of hell-hound barks and anti-orgasmic screams, picture the potential hick-breeder, but most certainly hick-owner, of these ravenous, feral-looking dogs yelling out commands and kicking about like a Nazi war solider, all of which the dogs did not respond to. I mean, I will admit it: I hate small dogs. There is no room in our Darwinist society for small dogs, but they do exist, sadly, and they should have at least the minimal right to be walked around in a safe environment by owners who should wear no fear against unleashed animals. There is also no room in our Darwinist society for morons, especially those specific types of morons who own dogs and choose not to walk them on leashes. Sadly, these morons exist and I have no solution to remedy the error of their moronic ways, but I sure hope someone does and perhaps their fate will be in the form of some Hades-like Malebolge that awaits them in after-life.
An old poem.
I.
Today in the bathroom mirror I traced
the outlines of your furrowed visage and (my bleared eyes
brought us back to the living room on Three Kingsboro Avenue:
I, stoned, in that burlap chair.
You, still, on the couch)
the scar that would have been
if your neck had healed.
II.
Today felt like autumn.
Nose ruddy from north winds blowing through Avenue C:
I thought of those silly incantations in October afternoons,
urging drafts to emulsify—vivify
your relics.
III.
Today I read Walt Whitman, in honor of you.
Ruminations of his springs as my falls.
His lilacs, my begonias and grub bugs.
Graybeard's empyrean sky, my garden
where three-quarters of your ashes lie.
[October 2nd, 2003 Notation]
This October marks the beginning of the eighth stanza of my changed life. I am sure I will not 'cease my song for thee' as long as memory persists.
_________________________________________
Erica L. Dow 2003 5:29 AM
Friday, April 11, 2008
in loco parentis.
a colleague of mine has had a pretty rocky year. most are unsympathetic, and by far, the students are the ones who are the most ruthless. why is it, that we as teachers, can be so accommodating and forgiving of all of our students' problems and attitudes, but when we have a "bad" day we are no longer categorized as humans, but as monsters?
how is it that a student can yell at me for something that they did wrong, and not understand the legitimate consequences of his or her own poorly deliberated (and often unhealthy) decisions? why is that my seniors (my favorites), the most mature, the ones closest to plunging into the real world of it all, can be so hurtful?
Monday, April 07, 2008
a funeral.
recently, i read a blog by a talented individual about her experience disposing the artistic extensions of who she was, to embrace the person she is today. her blog made me think about what part of the old me I have been holding on to, even in the latter part of this new decade of age. i thought about whether or not i would have the cojones to rid myself of the only artistic expression that i was once (and maybe still am?) good at, but i’ve come to realize that i could never part with any of my writings, as much of it deals with my own grief regarding my dead father.
i’ve been thinking long and hard about what it is that i would like to bury, in hopes that a new me can grow from the dead weight of the old me. i decided that i would like to bury my silence and submissive attitude.
it has been far too easy for me to be quiet for all these years, silent in my own company, and painfully so in the presence of others. it is far to easy to say nothing even when i do have something to say. and,i do have something to say; i always have something to say. so today i will bury this part of the old me and embrace what it is that is now a part of the new me.
i want to thank this person (and her blog) for sharing her own experience and insight, as it has greatly helped me in discovering that we are all works in progress and that sometimes it is okay to just let go.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
new goal:
honesty, remix:
i will forever remain misunderstood if i allow my voice to be muted for the sake of other peoples' voiced opinions and or feelings. i will never be heard (or read, in this case), if i let my words fall to the knotted pit of my anxious stomach, only to be digested internally with the occasional flare up of heartacheburn. further, my new goal is not intended for the sole purpose of stirring shit up, or to exercise my right to be a bitch. its purpose is to get everything inside of me, out.
Monday, March 24, 2008
an unhealthy relationship with a blog.
my not-so-secret obsession is lurking profiles and reading blogs. this has been a voyeuristic habit of mine since the early days of livejournal. i don’t know what it is about blogs, but i’m hooked beyond a normal degree. i think i enjoy gaining insight to other’s lives, not to fulfill some empty space of dissatisfaction in my own, but perhaps to gauge my day to day experiences and emotions against another’s and, in totality, gauge my own sanity, or the times there is a lack thereof.
i’m obsessed with a local blogger whose life is an absolute fucking train wreck, and i cannot, for the life me, stop reading this person’s blog (and this person is not a "friend" in the myspace sense of the word, or even in the in-real-life sense of the word). i dislike this person with many fibers of my being, so why is it that i am glued to his or her blog? do i enjoy watching his or her plagued life unfold before my eyes? no, because it is beyond anti-climatic. do i wish ill will on he or she? no, because he or she has enough of his or her own to deal with. does this person make me feel secure within my own sanity? a little. i’ll tell you why i’m hooked: i’ve never been witness to such a disaster of a person in my entire life (textually and literally). never have i had such an experience to meet and read about a person who has so little regard for other people--his or her behavior is despicable, dehumanizing, and shamefully ostentatious.
what angers me the most is that the limits of this person’s lack of tact go well beyond personal interactions on a day to day basis--it is broadcast through online social networking sites. and i may be a hypocrite, as i stand a lesson or two in keeping private matters private, but i pride my self in being honest, careful, and somewhat cryptic in my textual deliveries of my somewhat suppressed emotional states.
this person’s blog perpetuates the severe dislike i already had for this person, so why do i willingly and faithfully read this blog on a day to day basis? because it reinforces not only what is wrong with this world, but makes me appreciate all the rights.
Monday, February 25, 2008
i don’t fit in.
and i probably never will. i know this. and, i am perfectly okay with this.
Monday, January 28, 2008
winter thaw.
a few things, which i would like to type out for my future self's sake:
one. i love the warmth and smell of my dingy dog so much it makes my heart melt.
two. i wrote a poem last week, whilst the students were taking part two of the english regents examination.
three. i hate my job.
four. i'm going to attempt writing a book. it will most likely turn out to be a novella. it has everything to do with item number three, but it will be partially fictionalized.
five. scary mansion sounds like cat power. and cat power's new album sucks.
six. i hate your fucking surveys, so stop, please.
seven. i like to make lists.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Sometimes I question my profession...
Current mood: calm.
Currently listening : I’m Sorry That Sometimes I’m Mean
By: Kimya Dawson
Release date: 02 December, 2003
..and what i love.
When I grow up I'd like to be a(n):
Radio jockey.
Veterinarian.
Writer.
Cosmetologist.
Social worker.
Massage therapist.
Actor (again).
As for hobbies, I'd like to:
Volunteer for a local pet rescue.
Be a seller on Ebay.
Learn to play guitar from Jacob.
Construct a four square team or kickball team (high school coach).
Knit.
Monday, October 15, 2007
if you’re racist... that scares me.
if you're sexist, xenophobic, and or homophobic, that scares me too.
scares me into being angry at you. and, not liking you. don't be an idiot.
just sayin'.
Friday, October 12, 2007
black francis and the christmas tree shop.
what the hell happened to black francis? captain pasty is THE WORST song ever.
and, i think the christmas tree shop should be burnt down. ALL of them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
a deer, i hit.
i was very prepared for a long and eventful day. i woke up at ten of five this morning. i coffee'd, i showered, i packed for the gym, i packed for parent-teacher night. i left at around 6:30 this morning. i and my automobile traveled down state street, through the light that intersects 30A. i drove past hussman, and i drove past the forrester's club. and i almost made it to the sign that denotes the change of speed limit from forty miles per hour to fifty-five miles per hour. but, i did not make it, which could have been my saving grace.
a pack of my favorite large-sized furry friends--a mother, a father, and child--traveled across the paved way through the agragian panorama of mayfield. i did not hit the brakes hard, as the road was slick from a damp night. but in this instance brakes would not have stopped me from hitting the stalwart hind-end of one of the deers. all i saw, in my periphery, was the deer flip, as the other two ran off to the sanctity of the woods.
i just remember shaking uncontrollably, but i was not hurt (thankfully).
this experience made me think about why people hunt. it seems so foolish. i feared that the deer i hit would die (a driver of the local transportation system of gloversville, who witnessed the entire scene told me the hit deer ran off). i felt an overwhelming sensation of grief thinking about the more-than-likely-fatally-injured animal and thought: why would anyone purposely kill for sport? it seems so asinine and cruel.
this entry was sort of tangential. for those of you that are worried about me, i'm fine, though my nerves are shot.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Hulk Hogan and Bruce Springsteen.
Current mood: tired
Category: Life
Currently listening : Zeitgeist
By: Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: 10 July, 2007
i feel horribly guilty even admitting that when i was much, much younger i yearned for a famous dad. my famous dream dads were: hulk hogan and bruce springsteen. hulk hogan, back in the day seemed so outrageous, yet down to earth. i have recently divorced my dream of having hogan as a dad--his show "hogan knows best" dashed my childhood dreams; he has has become too hollywood and oily (and tan!) and extremely outrageous, to a sickening degree.
bruce, on the other hand, is still unbelievably amazing.
but, neither can compare to the father i lost over twelve years ago.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Working.
Well, I went to work on Monday and promised myself I would return Tuesday and Wednesday. I broke my promise to myself. And here I sit wishing I went in. What prevented me? Sound sleep with dreams of neck biting zombies, sexing snakes, and mentally perverse murderers.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
september twenty-fourth.
[insert picture of laproscopy]
Saturday, July 28, 2007
one of the worst feelings.
at least for me, is to be slighted by loved ones when simple acts of consideration can make all the difference in one's day.
i'm just menstrual, i suppose.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
new doctor.
i finally got a new doctor, as my last appointment with the previous doctor was a train wreck. bad news is that i pretty much have endometriosis. and my cyst is still hanging around. i have an appointment with the new doctor on the first of august. wish me luck.
i missed the lemonheads last saturday, and a joyce carol oates reading at skidmore on the eleventh.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
blogs.
i read them and now i have gone back to reading livejournals too. thank goodness i will be working on kevin's project soon.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Future plans, summer plans.
So I am opting not to teach summer school, as I told my friend Natasha I believe the abuse that summer school represents could be likened to the torture one would receive in the Malebolge of Dante's Inferno. I hope I get to work the days I put in for at the school, as the pay is hella and it is at my leisure and can be done from home (I love the Internet).
So on this list of summer plans slash ideas:
1. A trip to Animal Land (shut up, I want to pet the llamas).
2. THE MOTHER-EFFIN GREAT ESCAPE AND SPLASH WATER KINGDOM.
3. Field hockey summer league in Gloversville or maybe a field hockey team in Albany (which I might add: the first scrimmage is this Sunday at 6:30 at UAlbany, on the turf).
4. Gym membership or some place that offers yoga. I really want to do Bikram yoga on the regular, but I am unaware of where I should actually go.
5. An all ladies trip to a spa in Saratoga.
6. Lotsa horse-ball and bowling.
7. Fixing my Peugeot inner-tube and blazing trails on two wheels throughout the Kingdom of Fulton County.
6. A summer bartending gig (maybe Saratoga). I did bartend in SoHo for two years whilst living in the city. I am no Tom Cruise from Cocktail, but I am fast and can make a innovative cocktail in a minute.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
On seeing a specialist.
All of my doctor experiences in Gloversville, aside from my pediatric care, have been pitiful and confusing: antiquated tools of the trade, as in ultrasound machines from '84 and filing systems on computers older than I (Commodore); cramped dirty rooms; and megalomaniacal local doctors.
What it is inside me is not known. I have a fourth appointment in a month regarding the size of my (it belongs to me; I have taken ownership of this undesirable abnormal character) ovarian cyst, with free flowing browned blood swimming inside. My last appointment the doctor had a "hypothetical" conversation with me regarding endometriosis and my "potential" issues with infertility. All of which was grounded in speculation, as hard evidence in the form of testing does not exist. His solution to my health issue was to sit and wait and agonize for one more month.
I should see a specialist outside of this area.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
on being tired.
it seems these days that if i tell someone i'm tired, the retort i generally receive is "wait 'til you have kids." hi, i have kids. fifty-six of them to be exact. and last year i had eighty seven, and the year before that, over one hundred and five. the way things are going, anatomically speaking, i might not be able to have kids, so one: it bothers me when people say this because of my recent issues with health; and two: it is rude to assume that i don't know the meaning of tired considering my life, personal, and professional interests have everything to do with children and young adults.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
I’m just a quiet person.
I know some of you think I have been quiet and maybe sort of "off" lately. Maybe you think I don't like you because I don't have a lot to say—this is wrong. I'm just a quiet person.
I've never felt comfortable talking around people; I have never felt comfortable with having friends. For more than ten years I have been on my own, for the most part. In high school I had a small group of close friends, but watched those relationships either fade or disintegrate for one reason or another (college, time, distance damage, arguments, et cetera). In college I had one solid friend, but after graduation our relationship became diluted by our post-college interests and careers. My early years in New York City and Boston were clouded with getting to know these new places—and I wasn't in these places long enough to establish any friendships. The last few years in New York yielded one solid friendship with a colleague and since my relocation to upstate we have lost touch too.
I have Jacob and his wonderful family, Tyler, and my family and I am satisfied with these things—and I don't mind sharing the wealth because each are amazing and intoxicating and their energy needs to be shared with others. But, I'm not ready to share too much of myself with anyone outside these things just yet. I'm nervously shy, complicated (who isn't), emotional, and quietly contemplative; I don't want you to confuse these aspects of my personality by equating me with a bitch or think that I am judging you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Memento Mori: Loki
Yesterday, almost home, from my tiring hour commute from work, my mother called to discuss and weep, the decision she and Ron made to put Loki down, as he was very ill during the night. She told me he was euthanized at 10:30 in the morning and they had plans to bury his body (as opposed to shipping him off to an Albany crematorium) just beyond the small tree farm, slightly before the wood of their ever-expansive acreage.
I won't spare the details. My mother woke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and returned to bed. It is customary for Loki to follow anyone he feels the need to protect, even if the distance is a few feet. Both returned to sleep. But Ron woke in the middle of the night startled by a strange smell and woke my mother and they both found Loki lying in a pool of his own tar-like feces. They took him outside so he could eliminate more without embarrassment, cleaned him up, and fixed him up a resting spot in the garage. I doubt if any of them slept.
In the morning my brother brought up his mini-van to transport Loki to the veterinarian. I was told Loki had a large tumor in his stomach and a tumor on his spleen; his blood work was far from copacetic.
We got Loki shortly after my father died. He was the best thing for us at the time, as we no longer could mope about when there was a puppy to look after. He was good for all of us; a good companion that forced us to stop grieving once in a while. He was an integral part of my post-pubescent existence. He was my furry four-legged protector and constant shadow.
After eleven years it is natural for a family to move from one stage of life to other stages. I went to college, moved about the Northeast, settled in New York City for more than three years before moving back Upstate to be closer to my family and to Jacob. My mother found love again, remarried, and relocated a few towns over. My brother has been preserving my childhood memory of "home," found love, and is a loving father of two and a soon-to-be husband. With all the changes in our family dynamic, Loki was our constant—the tangible furry glue of a once three-member family who had lost their fourth. Yesterday I felt like my memories of what used to be, what once was, were gone; that without Loki to remind me of my sixteen year old self and grueling depressive years to follow I would not know what to turn to when memories are needed.
But memories never really expire—the sound of my father's voice faded long ago, but this does not mean I don't remember his words. I will never have that midnight black shadow of Loki to follow me from room to room, but I will never forget him and what he represents in the grander scale of things. But, I will surely miss him; he was a good boy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
ge commercials make me laugh.
they sure do.
i have two doctor's appointments in the next two weeks to clarify the length of my life i'm sure.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
ovarian cyst.
this might be too much information about ms. dow than you would care to know. know this: i have a cyst on one of my ovaries. but, i really think my ovary has sprouted arms and is punching me, repeatedly, in the gut. or it is dancing, drunk, wildly, around my fallopian tube.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Air.
In the very early mornings and in the early evenings I enjoy spending more time in the yard with Tyler. It is because of the air—crisp and intoxicating.
I remember living off of Houston and between Avenue C and D. Waking to the smells of exhaust filtering through my south bound window and walking home from bartending in the wee hours of the morning, disgusted more by the smell of dirty air than the foul sticky smell of dried alcohol and cigarette smoke that clung to my clothes and hair. On Twenty-ninth Street, just off of Fourth Avenue, the same dingy highway-like air made me want to die as my hand griped my inhaler.
Another reason I am happy about my move: air.
Friday, March 23, 2007
also, i like to read blogs.
even if i don't know you. i would read livejournals all day, but now it's myspace blogs. if you have a tracker i'm not stalking you. i just like blogs.
----------
a dream about dying. i had today. and i woke up all tears.
the sequence of the dream images leading up to the "death scene" is confusing, but i ended up in a vestibule of a house, perhaps a rustic cabin. i was accompanied by a host, and at this point it escapes me whether or not this host was human or animal. i'm thinking it was a human, as he (not she) spoke to me in standard american english. i was also surrounded by a grey and white kitten and what i remember to be a rabbit who told me he (yes, he) rode bulls. i do believe the kitten represents the non-verbal communication of love as i was asked to mimic its actions, which of course consisted of nuzzling against me, the host, and the rabbit, whilst purring. the rabbit, who happened to also speak standard american english, told me the hardest challenges he endured in his lifetime was riding bulls. i think this is linked, metaphorically, to the challenges we all have in life (juxtaposed, of course, to what i will now refer to as the "kitten" experience we all long for when faced with tough challenges). the rabbit suggested to me that another good outlet to the feeling associated with being challenged (frustration) is to dance it off. i remember in my dream i closed my eyes and wriggled to a the beat of deep sadness i seem to hold in my heart in my conscious life.
after the lectures, the dancing, and the nuzzling (it happened in this order) my host was about to tell me it was "time to go." i told him i was aware of what was happening (although i am positive he, nor the others, were trying to be tricksy) , even though i did not want to go through with it.
he opened the door to the "outside" world, which of course offered its light to the darkness of the vestibule. i remember i asked my host if it was okay to be scared. he replied that it was perfectly okay to be scared, but assured me there was nothing to be afraid of. i asked him if i would have just as many friends on the other side, to which he replied "of course. you will have as many friends as you need."
before i walked through the threshold, i woke up (crying).
Sunday, March 18, 2007
two excellent movies.
i recommend the following:
brick
and
half nelson
Monday, March 12, 2007
built by wendy.
wendy mullin i love your clothes, but why so pricey? design a line for target.
my wallet hates you wendy.
---------
the tale of the winter piglet. i cannot stop eating. even when i am not hungry i still eat. i dream of ice cream while i eat cookies. of bagels when i eat muffins. food is all i want. all. the. time.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
target and clothes.
when i moved to new york city, four years ago, i discovered the glory of target. i became an avid disciple--namely, for clothes. to this day i still get most of my clothes from target. i am extremely tickled by the the design for all program they have implemented. i have loved all the go designers, save for maybe two (the past winter season selection was disgusting).
i am so happy that proenza schouler is designing affordable (super cheap prices, but great quality) clothes for target. my only issue with them is the season they have chosen to design for. all the vibrant colors make me want to die (save for the purple pencil skirt)--i only wished they designed for the fall season. their fall clothing is amazing (proenza schouler fall 2005)
Saturday, February 10, 2007
mark strand poem
"Coming To This"
We have done what we wanted.
We have discarded dreams, preferring the heavy industry
of each other, and we have welcomed grief
and called ruin the impossible habit to break.
And now we are here.
The dinner is ready and we cannot eat.
The meat sits in the white lake of its dish.
The wine waits.
Coming to this
has its rewards: nothing is promised, nothing is taken away.
We have no heart or saving grace,
no place to go, no reason to remain.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
dog babies and homework.
i was on the couch last night. jacob was doing his homework and i said:
"tyler would be the worst mommy. she'd probably eat her kids."
tyler will never have babies, unless by miracle, which made me sort of sad. maybe she would be a good mother? but, i'm still convinced she'd mouth atleast one of them.
----------
i'm so hungry i could eat ten biggy iggy ice cream sandwiches from stewart's.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Naps.
I haven't been taking them as much as my body yearns for them.
I take them when I am tired.
I take them when I am depressed because I'd rather sleep than tap into hatred.
I take them when I long for company when Jacob is not around. Tyler is warm and snores like Jacob too.
---------
On another note altogether, why do people seem sketchy? Maybe I am paranoid.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
also, a poem rather, an excerpt:
what are words, i want to ask you, what
is clarity and why do words keep burning
a century later, though the earth
weighs so much?
from "a talk with friedrich nietzsche" by adam zagajewski.
--------
antigone. i'm going to watch this movie in the absence of my other half. then i will gouge my eyes out in reverence.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
My Chelsea students...
I just want to say these things: I miss you all (even the ones who drove me nuts--you know who you are) and I am proud of you all. Class of 2008, you are the best group of young adults, ever.
Friday, December 29, 2006
shaking hands with a genius.
i went to applebee's and had kettle (tavern) chips smothered with cheese and bacon. i wish i invented this dish.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
my heart attack.
salmon wrapped in bacon topped with cheese. best. dinner. ever.
atleast today ended on a good note. this weekend was abysmal.
--------
for mary... your profile makes my computer freeze:
[insert absent image of dancing robot]
Saturday, December 09, 2006
friend.
you know, it has been about seven years since i had a good best friend. i had natasha, but after college we grew apart and now she lives in scotland with her husband and dog. i became close with nikki in brooklyn as we lived together, briefly, and co-taught together for two years at chelsea. and here i am, in this bleak town and i feel pretty lonely. maybe that is why i liked living in new york: i was always too busy to be lonely. here i have more time on my hands than i can actually deal with and i find myself sleeping a good chunk of it away because i'm so blah (minus the time spent with jacob).
Saturday, December 02, 2006
esouh.
i want to puke all over myself.
Monday, November 27, 2006
crap carp prac parc arcp
Last night I zoned out during the shittiest movie ever, "The DaVinci Code," and for moments I truly thought I was a clairvoyant, as I seemed to see clearly into my doomy future where I only wore sweatpants, ate noodles with butter, and lamented to Jacob that shampoo and soap should be separate showering entities and or luxuries.
This house shit has my brain on the fritz and I wonder if we can really do this without going stark-raving loonie. I think to myself: "I have to do this; I am twenty seven. I have no babies, I cannot rent forever..I am an adult, right?"
What if I had stayed in Brooklyn? What would it have been like? The traveling would tear us apart. Now that I am here will our obsessive-compulsive, fixative habits make us want to bounce off each other like walking padded rooms, or will we just stick together like glue and have our insecurities co-mingle in an emotional tick-oriented bliss?
I can speculate about what it would have been like to have stayed in Brooklyn, but what I have learned is that love is worth more than a twelve-grand pay cut and feeling severely uncomfortable, socially, in this insular town--it is transcendent.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I should have stayed in Brooklyn.
Sometimes I think this.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Slang.
One thing I miss about being in the city is slang. Someone used the phrase dead-ass in class the other day (in an awkward manner no less--it sounded less like one huffy fast deadass and more like dead-pause-pause-pause-asssssss) and I felt like telling him that phrase is so beat these days. But how would he know? What is hip here was hip more than two years ago down there. I don't even want to get into music or the style of clothes.
Yes, I used the word hip. Shut up.
Friday, October 27, 2006
On Walking Dogs.
Current mood: annoyed
Currently listening: Mule Variations
By: Tom Waits
Release date: 27 April, 1999
Walking dogs should be done, always, with leashes. Aside from my roommates' dog that happens to be the most docile and oblivious dog I know to date, all dogs should be walked with a leash. I will even say that any dog walker walking a dog without a leash is full-fledged moron. My case in point: yesterday afternoon, after arriving at my apartment to pick up some things for a night of grading at JV's while he was in class, I witnessed a small dog (a size-challenged breed I personally abhor) being attacked by to unleashed dogs. If it wasn't bad enough watching a small dog being mauled by some feral-looking, hick-bred dog, compound this image with a wire-hanger abortion scream coming from a young girl still holding onto the leash of her small dog. Then to add to the chaotic cacophony of hell-hound barks and anti-orgasmic screams, picture the potential hick-breeder, but most certainly hick-owner, of these ravenous, feral-looking dogs yelling out commands and kicking about like a Nazi war solider, all of which the dogs did not respond to. I mean, I will admit it: I hate small dogs. There is no room in our Darwinist society for small dogs, but they do exist, sadly, and they should have at least the minimal right to be walked around in a safe environment by owners who should wear no fear against unleashed animals. There is also no room in our Darwinist society for morons, especially those specific types of morons who own dogs and choose not to walk them on leashes. Sadly, these morons exist and I have no solution to remedy the error of their moronic ways, but I sure hope someone does and perhaps their fate will be in the form of some Hades-like Malebolge that awaits them in after-life.
twelve.
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
Subject: tyler.
Time: 10:34 am.
tyler is the most excellent travel mate. she doesn't even need to stop to use the restroom on a five hour trip (it takes five hours on friday afternoons, go figure). she nevers asks "are we there yet?" she has been traveling with me for the last four to five weekends in a row and i must say she has adjusted well in her new environments. she loves running around like a chicken with his or her head cut off when we visit my mum (who happens to live in the boonies with a ton of acreage). she adjusted well when staying with jacob when nikki's kitchen ceiling decided to leak (more like a biblical deluge). she liked forty seven south kingsboro, but my roommates and i did not, but i'm sure she will love litauer place as it has a backyard too.
i've been wrestling with the idea of leaving new york for good, which has everything to do with my salary increase and potential to save more money here in new york city rather than there, upstate. pay is poor in upstate, even with a masters. some areas do pay well and it is those areas which i will be calling this week to check in regarding my resume and for interviews.
if i stay here in brooklyn i sacrifice my sanity to certain degrees at the expense of amassing my income for a move the following year.
why do i want to move back upstate? general peace of mind, my mother, a house, aunt duties, tyler, new and old friends, teaching kids who want to learn (socio-ecomomics are the same, cultural diversity is not), a certain ten year reunion (not what you are thinking, yes, i'm being cryptic).
why should i stay here? job stability, tenure, ten grand pay increase, teaching what i want (i think they are bribing me), friends.
i'm leaving this thursday. i'll be back here and there throughout the summer to visit.
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
Time: 7:22 am.
+job interview
-poor pay
+donated hair
-no ponytails
+new summer rental
-old slumlords in bleeker
there are more good things to list than bad, but because my ocd is symmetrical i cannot continue this list.
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
Subject: sometimes...
Time: 7:14 pm.
quiet people get loud. sad.
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
Time: 5:51 pm.
bitter cold days make me yearn for long naps.
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
Subject: erica, wait and see what the vet says, your not a doctor
Time: 9:18 am.
so, boxers are prone to vaginitis, for a myriad of reasons. tyler had a bout with vaginitis after her spay surgery, as a result of a possible mild infection, or a reaction to foreign objects within her body (dissolvable sutures).
tyler has had great difficulty with healing properly from her spay surgery, as the sutures are not dissolving as they should (for some dogs, not just tyler, some sutures never dissolve and need to be removed). one month ago a blister developed on tyler's spay incision site and the vet popped the blister with a needle and removed, with her fingers, several sutures.
now, it looks as if tyler is on the verge of developing another blister, atop of a knotty area (scar tissue, hematoma whatever) on her incision site, and we are taking her to the vet, again, to see what's up.
i believe she has an infection, as her vaginitis has returned. for the last two weeks tyler will wake in the middle of the night to lick her hind end and the sheets to which her hind end discharged some liquids. and the presence of a strong ammonia scent exists. and i notice the presence, during the day, of a greenish-whitish goo on her female bits :(
with vaginitis can come incontinence. licking her rear and then cleaning her groin area might have caused a mild rash in her groin. and i wonder if this rash is a urine scald.
i'll kept you posted (did you want to gag a few times?)!
love,
dr. mom
Friday, November 11th, 2005
Subject: hi.
Time: 1:57 pm.
today, i have off.
and i'm sitting around with tired tyler. with dirty hair and yankees hat. in four days i will be twenty-six. i'm unhappy, still, with my place of employment. and as i tyed that previous sentence i felt my jaw clench, teeth grind.
i'm reading this young adult text, crank. it is very interesting.
i bought my dog therasticks with st. john's wort and i would like them to arrive so i can try one. as i feel a need to gnaw and chew to soothe.
twenty six! where does the time go :(
also, lately, i yearn for bologna sandwiches with yellow mustard.
help me find the origin of my last name, would you?
i miss some of you.
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
Subject: i have a new i book.
Time: 9:01 am.
it's nice to travel about the house again with a little companion. i fear tyler jumping about it, so i've been walking around cradling the white mass like a newborn.
so i'm pretty excited about the new depeche mode. shut up.
also i secretly like david gray. any comments from the peanut gallery?
i have to think about what i'm going to do next year, because at this point i want to quit. maybe i just need to teach at a different school?
this summer, though, i'm going to participate in another theatre intensive and i WILL get some headshots done (how many times have i said this?).
over and out for now lovies <3.
Saturday, October 15th, 2005
Subject: :(
Time: 9:39 am.
Pure Nerd
65 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 47% Dork
For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.
The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.
Congratulations!
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
Subject: i hate.
Time: 4:40 pm.
people who feel that they are the object of prejudice, who are prejudiced (and project it loud and clear) too.
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
Subject: I HAVE A NEW DOG.
Time: 10:05 pm.
FYI.
SHE LIKES TO DROP THE HOT PRETZEL FOUR TIMES A DAY.
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
Subject: i hate philosophy.
Time: 6:09 pm.
because of the logic and illogic.
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
Subject: i have been at my mum's since wednesday.
Time: 10:44 pm.
and i'm leaving tomorrow. i have had a pleasant and relaxing time. with her. and loki. and allen's dog andre. loki was very protective of me the entire time, and jealous of andre as well. it only makes me want a dog more. there is nothing better than running around with dogs on summer days, and lounging on carpeted floors watching the news on a dog's back as a pillow.
my mum says to me : "erica, if you get a dog, how will you travel?"
good question. i need to research amtrak policies for transporting animals.
i really didn't do much other than relax, write papers, and take in clean upstate (humid) air. i will miss it when i leave tomorrow--but i have someone i need to come home to.
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
Time: 2:03 pm.
meat cleaver and peach trees.
and a new old bike!
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
Subject: oh, some things.
Time: 7:22 am.
I have a friend by the name of Carlo. My mother fondly refers to him as Carlos. Every time I hear that s, I grow a new white hair. I know she is not trying to offer any disrespect to Carlo’s name, she just has a penchant to pluralize nouns. For example Wal-Mart becomes Wal-Marts and Hannaford becomes Hannafords (it is a supermarket upstate).
I thought about how she does this and decided that maybe she is right: singular nouns are useless in most cases; nouns are much better when there are more than one. For example cake should not be cake. It should be cakes (who doesn’t like more than one cake…I’ll fight anyone with one leg and arm tied behind my back).
Here is a running list of nouns that should be permanently pluralized (more to come):
Cheeses
Puppies
Unicorns
Blue Cheese Dressings
Naps
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
Subject: summer of fun.
Time: 9:05 pm.
i am so going to win at life at pete's candy store and matchless this summer.
join me.
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
Subject: o! i am a girl.
Time: 9:27 am.
i have two more days of work.
list:
house.
a dog like roxy or lilly.
wardrobe exclusively jessica ogden.
field hockey club.
running.
biking.
louie g's everyday.
a new hair style.
Monday, June 13th, 2005
Subject: will i love laundry service?
Time: 9:54 pm.
i will tell you when i get the bill!
Sunday, May 29th, 2005
Time: 8:04 pm.
what are you doing up, human league?
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
Subject: i'm watching bruce.
Time: 8:46 pm.
that pink pool of a rug with hair and crumbs swimming about. laying in starchy shorts with dry knees and elbows, t-shirt, bad hair cut, age ten, mute to most anything except for the occasional conversation with myself, in front of a hand-me-down stereo system with two tape decks, one for playing, the other recording, staring at these black tapes.
bruce springsteen live, 1985? 1989?
muffled masculine voice similar to my father's (not his singing voice, because he could carry a tune like i can carry a two hundred pound man) coming through the old speakers. muffled because the tape is worn, without a cover (for ages?), muffled by cries from the crowd.
and i've been watching bruce on vh1 classics for the last four hours. i just bought his new compact disc. and i can only think of my father.
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
Subject: school has made me.
Time: 2:40 pm.
serious(ly).
[insert erased flickr image of me with a serious face]
hungry.
[insert erased flickr image of adam and i in a subway station]
Subject: tyler.
Time: 10:34 am.
tyler is the most excellent travel mate. she doesn't even need to stop to use the restroom on a five hour trip (it takes five hours on friday afternoons, go figure). she nevers asks "are we there yet?" she has been traveling with me for the last four to five weekends in a row and i must say she has adjusted well in her new environments. she loves running around like a chicken with his or her head cut off when we visit my mum (who happens to live in the boonies with a ton of acreage). she adjusted well when staying with jacob when nikki's kitchen ceiling decided to leak (more like a biblical deluge). she liked forty seven south kingsboro, but my roommates and i did not, but i'm sure she will love litauer place as it has a backyard too.
i've been wrestling with the idea of leaving new york for good, which has everything to do with my salary increase and potential to save more money here in new york city rather than there, upstate. pay is poor in upstate, even with a masters. some areas do pay well and it is those areas which i will be calling this week to check in regarding my resume and for interviews.
if i stay here in brooklyn i sacrifice my sanity to certain degrees at the expense of amassing my income for a move the following year.
why do i want to move back upstate? general peace of mind, my mother, a house, aunt duties, tyler, new and old friends, teaching kids who want to learn (socio-ecomomics are the same, cultural diversity is not), a certain ten year reunion (not what you are thinking, yes, i'm being cryptic).
why should i stay here? job stability, tenure, ten grand pay increase, teaching what i want (i think they are bribing me), friends.
i'm leaving this thursday. i'll be back here and there throughout the summer to visit.
Friday, June 23rd, 2006
Time: 7:22 am.
+job interview
-poor pay
+donated hair
-no ponytails
+new summer rental
-old slumlords in bleeker
there are more good things to list than bad, but because my ocd is symmetrical i cannot continue this list.
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
Subject: sometimes...
Time: 7:14 pm.
quiet people get loud. sad.
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
Time: 5:51 pm.
bitter cold days make me yearn for long naps.
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
Subject: erica, wait and see what the vet says, your not a doctor
Time: 9:18 am.
so, boxers are prone to vaginitis, for a myriad of reasons. tyler had a bout with vaginitis after her spay surgery, as a result of a possible mild infection, or a reaction to foreign objects within her body (dissolvable sutures).
tyler has had great difficulty with healing properly from her spay surgery, as the sutures are not dissolving as they should (for some dogs, not just tyler, some sutures never dissolve and need to be removed). one month ago a blister developed on tyler's spay incision site and the vet popped the blister with a needle and removed, with her fingers, several sutures.
now, it looks as if tyler is on the verge of developing another blister, atop of a knotty area (scar tissue, hematoma whatever) on her incision site, and we are taking her to the vet, again, to see what's up.
i believe she has an infection, as her vaginitis has returned. for the last two weeks tyler will wake in the middle of the night to lick her hind end and the sheets to which her hind end discharged some liquids. and the presence of a strong ammonia scent exists. and i notice the presence, during the day, of a greenish-whitish goo on her female bits :(
with vaginitis can come incontinence. licking her rear and then cleaning her groin area might have caused a mild rash in her groin. and i wonder if this rash is a urine scald.
i'll kept you posted (did you want to gag a few times?)!
love,
dr. mom
Friday, November 11th, 2005
Subject: hi.
Time: 1:57 pm.
today, i have off.
and i'm sitting around with tired tyler. with dirty hair and yankees hat. in four days i will be twenty-six. i'm unhappy, still, with my place of employment. and as i tyed that previous sentence i felt my jaw clench, teeth grind.
i'm reading this young adult text, crank. it is very interesting.
i bought my dog therasticks with st. john's wort and i would like them to arrive so i can try one. as i feel a need to gnaw and chew to soothe.
twenty six! where does the time go :(
also, lately, i yearn for bologna sandwiches with yellow mustard.
help me find the origin of my last name, would you?
i miss some of you.
Sunday, October 16th, 2005
Subject: i have a new i book.
Time: 9:01 am.
it's nice to travel about the house again with a little companion. i fear tyler jumping about it, so i've been walking around cradling the white mass like a newborn.
so i'm pretty excited about the new depeche mode. shut up.
also i secretly like david gray. any comments from the peanut gallery?
i have to think about what i'm going to do next year, because at this point i want to quit. maybe i just need to teach at a different school?
this summer, though, i'm going to participate in another theatre intensive and i WILL get some headshots done (how many times have i said this?).
over and out for now lovies <3.
Saturday, October 15th, 2005
Subject: :(
Time: 9:39 am.
Pure Nerd
65 % Nerd, 47% Geek, 47% Dork
For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd, earning you the title of: Pure Nerd.
The times, they are a-changing. It used to be that being exceptionally smart led to being unpopular, which would ultimately lead to picking up all of the traits and tendences associated with the "dork." No-longer. Being smart isn't as socially crippling as it once was, and even more so as you get older: eventually being a Pure Nerd will likely be replaced with the following label: Purely Successful.
Congratulations!
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
Subject: i hate.
Time: 4:40 pm.
people who feel that they are the object of prejudice, who are prejudiced (and project it loud and clear) too.
Monday, August 22nd, 2005
Subject: I HAVE A NEW DOG.
Time: 10:05 pm.
FYI.
SHE LIKES TO DROP THE HOT PRETZEL FOUR TIMES A DAY.
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
Subject: i hate philosophy.
Time: 6:09 pm.
because of the logic and illogic.
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
Subject: i have been at my mum's since wednesday.
Time: 10:44 pm.
and i'm leaving tomorrow. i have had a pleasant and relaxing time. with her. and loki. and allen's dog andre. loki was very protective of me the entire time, and jealous of andre as well. it only makes me want a dog more. there is nothing better than running around with dogs on summer days, and lounging on carpeted floors watching the news on a dog's back as a pillow.
my mum says to me : "erica, if you get a dog, how will you travel?"
good question. i need to research amtrak policies for transporting animals.
i really didn't do much other than relax, write papers, and take in clean upstate (humid) air. i will miss it when i leave tomorrow--but i have someone i need to come home to.
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
Time: 2:03 pm.
meat cleaver and peach trees.
and a new old bike!
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
Subject: oh, some things.
Time: 7:22 am.
I have a friend by the name of Carlo. My mother fondly refers to him as Carlos. Every time I hear that s, I grow a new white hair. I know she is not trying to offer any disrespect to Carlo’s name, she just has a penchant to pluralize nouns. For example Wal-Mart becomes Wal-Marts and Hannaford becomes Hannafords (it is a supermarket upstate).
I thought about how she does this and decided that maybe she is right: singular nouns are useless in most cases; nouns are much better when there are more than one. For example cake should not be cake. It should be cakes (who doesn’t like more than one cake…I’ll fight anyone with one leg and arm tied behind my back).
Here is a running list of nouns that should be permanently pluralized (more to come):
Cheeses
Puppies
Unicorns
Blue Cheese Dressings
Naps
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
Subject: summer of fun.
Time: 9:05 pm.
i am so going to win at life at pete's candy store and matchless this summer.
join me.
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
Subject: o! i am a girl.
Time: 9:27 am.
i have two more days of work.
list:
house.
a dog like roxy or lilly.
wardrobe exclusively jessica ogden.
field hockey club.
running.
biking.
louie g's everyday.
a new hair style.
Monday, June 13th, 2005
Subject: will i love laundry service?
Time: 9:54 pm.
i will tell you when i get the bill!
Sunday, May 29th, 2005
Time: 8:04 pm.
what are you doing up, human league?
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
Subject: i'm watching bruce.
Time: 8:46 pm.
that pink pool of a rug with hair and crumbs swimming about. laying in starchy shorts with dry knees and elbows, t-shirt, bad hair cut, age ten, mute to most anything except for the occasional conversation with myself, in front of a hand-me-down stereo system with two tape decks, one for playing, the other recording, staring at these black tapes.
bruce springsteen live, 1985? 1989?
muffled masculine voice similar to my father's (not his singing voice, because he could carry a tune like i can carry a two hundred pound man) coming through the old speakers. muffled because the tape is worn, without a cover (for ages?), muffled by cries from the crowd.
and i've been watching bruce on vh1 classics for the last four hours. i just bought his new compact disc. and i can only think of my father.
Sunday, April 24th, 2005
Subject: school has made me.
Time: 2:40 pm.
serious(ly).
[insert erased flickr image of me with a serious face]
hungry.
[insert erased flickr image of adam and i in a subway station]
six.
Sunday, February 15th, 2004
Subject: saturday.
Time: 11:09 pm.
Mood: scattered..
Music: cunninglynguists.
friday was fun. i can't say that fun has been apart of my life as of late, so it was a welcome change.
what was not fun was losing my phone. i remember sticking it in my bag before i left the apartment. when i returned around the time of three in the morning, i reached in my bag with the intention of texting a well wishing message, and the phone just wasn't there.
i told richie that i practiced good cellular phone manners on my outing. and maybe if i hadn't i would have known at some point (before three)that it was missing. so i trekked over to mona's and joey's and they don't have the fucker.
all day i've been trying to hone in my telepathic powers.
if you heard, in your mind, a knock-knock, it was me. let me in.
i do things sometimes until ad nauseum. like cleaning. or plucking out my white hairs. itching. tossing about in my bed. i do it until my jaw is so tense i get a headache and i want to puke all over my kicks. when did this all begin. will it ever end. i mean, it's hard to think of rainbows and candy and bunnies all the time.
Friday, February 13th, 2004
Subject: my hardest year.
Time: 3:42 pm.
fall filled with warafin. late arrivals to my acient greek seminar. bruised arms and tired eyes. a full load. a mainstage. a job. shit-fucks for roommates. january term filled with black text to white blank paper not wanting to be filled because of fear. a spring to finish that play. direct that play. set, light, sound design for another play. full course load. another mainstage. and filling last minute requirements.
i still got a 3.83 for that year.
when i called the mathematician in the registrar office today to sort out my individual year grade point averages, i started to cry a little. i re-lived that shit-year in a nanosecond separted by cellular phone static, three hunderd miles, and two years.
but somehow i got by, and for that i'm proud (which also made me cry a little).
so both are done. i sent the second in today. i will know the verdicts in two weeks. wish me luck.
also, my notebook is rad.
Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
Subject: one is done and sent.
Time: 11:27 pm.
the other, soon to follow.
seriously, who did the double-checking mathematics on my transcripts?
my train leaves at eleven tomorrow morning. i have a lot to do when i get back.
things i've learned:
that i am afraid of coy-dogs.
that denting out a jar of peanut-butter in two days is nothing compared to the dents i put into some fake sugar ben and jerry's pints in one hour.
that i really am a terrible driver.
that i have a whole lot to give, but i need to give a little to myself once and a while.
that mustard is not a good substitute for salad dressing.
that my mother wants to be a grandmother, badly.
that my brother is actually funny.
that i really do love new york city.
that i use the word that, a lot.
that i'd drop anything in a nanosecond for my mother.
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
Subject: CATALINA MADELINA.
Time: 8:16 pm.
There was a girl, she had a funny name.
She got it from her pappy just the same, same, same.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
She had twenty hairs on the top of her head.
Ten were alive and ten were dead.
She had two teeth in the front of her mouth.
One pointed north and the other pointed south.
She had two eyes in the front of her head.
One was yellow and the other was red.
Her ears stuck out like the sails of a boat.
Her adams apple wandered up and down her throat.
She loved to polish her finger nails.
She bought her polish in ten gallon pails.
The language she spoke was an awful joke.
Her head was made out of solid oak.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
Time: 11:17 am.
some of you are ridiculous.
Monday, February 9th, 2004
Subject: ©
Time: 9:54 am.
I HATE THE WORD
Consequence:
jutting black on
yellow-stained white
paper, like pepper
and salt, like you and
me.
(con) Sequ[i]n (ce):
reminds me of
the prom that I
always hated, you
in a black suit
acrid with your sweat,
your hand
on the ass of my
pseudo virginal jaundice
dress.
I should have slit
your throat then,
but my nails were so plastic
pretty, and I was
nice.
Sunday, February 8th, 2004
Time: 11:02 pm.
engine driver's headed north to pleasant stream.
these wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam.
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
Subject: i often feel like the person in the crooked finger's song broken man.
Time: 8:04 pm.
well, i am feeling better, and i'm fighting against this no motivation feeling. i'm blaming the winter, but it's all about the blahs. we all go through this.
so joe (finally) dropped off my poetry portfolio. i lured him with a beer or coffee e-mail. though we never met up. nor do i want to. but since he's been working on the house next to ours on kingsboro i figured he'd be (more of) a real asshole if he decided to conveniently forget to drop it off. but to my surprise he came through. me mum was shocked that jen didn't burn it, or urinate on it, or rip it to shreds. she's that kind of chick. for the longest time during my friendship with joe i was convinced that one day i'd magically disappear and would be found one day, decades later, buried in her folk's front yard. yes, she is that kind of girl.
today i also found out that the amsterdam dunkin donuts charges more for the great one than the one on houston street in new york city. what the fuck. i also found out that amsterdam is in possession of a store solely dedicated to bows and arrows, and appropriately the store is named bows and arrow. also, what the fuck.
i wrote this:
In a dream I was lusting after chocolate covered peanut-butter wafers
enriched flour
riboflavin
and partially hydrogenated soybean oil
In a not-dream my mother’s warm body was next to mine
and this (which is a part of the same poem):
like when I stare at a flashlight for too long
or when I glance at that torrent orb light
in the compressed archaic racquetball court at the gym
You were like a luminous protostar
evolving and
tracking
through my Hertzsprung-Russell gray matter
the nebulae of my memory
as if you were on your way to becoming a main sequence star
_______________
i've been thinking about you lately. no, not you. you.
Thursday, February 5th, 2004
Time: 10:20 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
a list:
house gut, check.
college chest gut, check.
portfolio plea, check.
arrear e-mail, check.
tax crap, check.
new laptop on back order, check.
change of life plan, check.
things are moving a long swimmingly. but it would be nice if you could (silently, if you'd prefer) wish me luck. shakiness is still in the future, i predict.
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
Subject: Compaq Presario Notebook:
Time: 10:20 am.
Model 2100US Notebook
-Microprocessor Intel® Celeron® Processor - 1.6 GHz
-Hard Drive 30GB enhanced-IDE
-Memory 256 MB DDR SDRAM; Memory Max 1024 MB
-Memory Speed 266 MHz
-Total DIMM Sockets 2; available DIMM Sockets 1
-Second-Level Cache (L2) 128 KB (L2)
-Multimedia Drive DVD+CD-RW Combo; CD,DVD Rewritable Drive CD-read 24x; CD-write 8x; CD-rewrite 8x; DVD-read 8x
-Diskette Drive: NO
-Fax/Data Modem Integrated v.90/v.92 56 KB modem (RJ-11 connector)
-Network Integrated 10/100BASE-T Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 connector)
-Keyboard 87-/88-key, full-size with embedded numeric keypad
-Pointing Device Touch Pad with On/Off button and dedicated vertical Scroll Up/Down pad; Additional mouse included in-box.
-Sound 16-bit Sound Blaster Pro-compatible audio
-Speakers Internal stereo speakers
-Total Expansion Slots:1 Type II or III PC card slot; CardBus-enabled
-Total External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
-Available External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
Video Graphics (AGP)
-ATI MOBILITYTM RADEONTM AGP 4X and 3D architecture
-Graphics Memory
-32 MB DDR SDRAM (shared)
-12.96" (L) x 10.72" (W) x 1.57" (H)
-75W AC adapter; 8-Cell Lithium-Ion
-Microsoft® Windows XP Home Edition
-Microsoft® Outlook Express 6.0
-Microsoft® Internet Explorer 6.0
-Microsoft® Fax Services
-Microsoft® Firewall
-SymantecTM Norton AntivirusTM 2002 90 days live update (on CD); Getting Started Documentation Suite.
-Intervideo WinDVD (DVD player)
-Roxio Easy CD Creator
-Microsoft® Works 6.0
-Quicken® Financial Center by Intuit (U.S. only)
-Microsoft® Money 2003
-Microsoft® Encarta Online Deluxe Encyclopedia - 1 year subscription
-Adobe Acrobat Reader 5.0
-AOL® 7.0
-CompuServe® 6.0
-Netscape 6.0
OH GOD, IT SOUNDS GREAT. I MIGHT GET A HOT LAP. BUT SHIT, DO YOU AGREE YOU NERDLY NERD NERDS? PLEASE HELP.
ALSO, FORGET ABOUT AN APPLE. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH.
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
Time: 8:19 pm.
there is the smell of cold winter air cut by burning brush, and the dizzying sight of a clear starry sky that makes my heart melt.
Subject: five hours at my old place on kingsboro.
Time: 4:33 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music: in my head: the cult. she sells sanctuary.
boy, my brother is a slob. and he listens to nu-metal. but i love him.
so i'm here partly to gain some sort of order in my life. and i'm heading in the right direction. hanging out at my old house is bitter-sweet. i get caught up in memory while sorting and cleaning and disposing. what would it be like to live here again? with trepidation, i think about how comfortable i would be here, teaching (after certification, in which i would have to enroll into school for) english and or drama at the high school. living in cheap-ass apartment with my forty pound female brindle boxer with natural ears and a docked tail. so close to my mother. christ she's a great woman. i just hate that part of me that is challenging my vehement opinion on settling.
but, i love new york. and my whims.
also on the table:
i've never traveled in a limousine.
and.
two cops on the milk box missing.
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
Subject: why did i leave?
Time: 7:23 pm.
erica: mom, what are you doing for valentine's day...it's on a friday you know?
mum: no, it's saturday and sunday.
erica: i thought the fourteenth was just one day.
Saturday, January 31st, 2004
Subject: this little funk.
Time: 8:10 pm.
is not giving one bit. so i've succumbed to reading with the voracity of a medievalist college freak waiting for his or her five ante meridiem alarm clock to sound. the call that beckons him or her to the barren field in front of the library, his or her wooden sword, and his or her flock of freak-ass friends waiting, rallying, for the morning joust.
you remember these guys right? you were one of these guys right?
so it's me and the livejournal, e-mail, and friendster. i'm cutting my ties with the superfluous nature of on-line circles. i'll keep nerve to amuse myself on those bleak and blah monday mornings. friendster, because i secretly want ms. lewis, my junior high and high school latin teacher of six years, to friendster me. and cher. i'm waiting for cher to friendster me. and i need this livejournal like a hole in the head, but i've become somewhat attached to it, in that it has been the only medium i have returned to, in regards to any documentation of my life and feeling, without reluctance. and i'm a secret lurker. let me be redundant.
Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
Subject: my belly.
Time: 11:20 am.
is expanding. thank you beer.
i need to get a computer so i can purge all my dirty little thoughts into microsoft word.
Monday, January 26th, 2004
Subject: and you know what else?
Time: 4:26 pm.
today would have been my father's birthday.
i feel old.
Subject: the short list of things i need or want and need to change. for my own reference.
Time: 3:51 pm.
rape. a love story. jco.
a facial.
a colon cleansing.
a tattoo on my left wrist.
the essential bruce springsteen.
guarapero: lost blues two. will oldham.
song cyclops, volume one. doleful lions.
time (the revelator). gillian welch.
wrecking ball. emmylou harris (i think this is the one).
bring on the snakes. crooked fingers.
things we lost in the fire. low.
the collector of hearts: new tales of the grotesque. jco.
haunted. tales of the grotesque. jco.
live in 1992. ac/dc.
a computer.
friends.
lyle lovett. my baby don't tolerate.
a female boxer around forty pounds with natural ears and a docked tail.
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
Subject: a wiser man than i once noted...
Time: 9:50 am.
there's nothing new about us.
sometimes i think about friends had and lost...it's lame...i just sit here and think about why i was friends with somebody, if i was really friends with somebody, why i'm not still friends with somebody, then it dawned on me.
relationships are about learning. taking and giving. we get ourselves into relationships, be they romantic, platonic, et cetera, to learn, to gain knowledge, to realize ourselves, our goals and our lives better. and once that resource is exhausted in somebody we move on and find the next person or set of people to draw from. it sounds shitty and shallow, but it's the truth. i've gone through countless friends over the years, but only a few have really stuck, and those are the ones i'm still learning from, be it about myself, or them, or some material and tangible thing like biology, or physics...these are the ones that last. it doesn't mean the other ones weren't important, because if they weren't important or dear, we wouldn't even think about them.
it just seems like all we can do is accept the fact that we've learned from somebody, we've taken what we can from them...and hopefully, we've in turn given back everything we could.
when the time is right, or when we're needed, or when we need them...they'll come around again.
i guess when it's all said and done we leave when there's nothing new.
Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Subject: thanks!
Time: 11:22 am.
i just wanted to say that i had a really nice time with mike and lou yesterday. eating w1ngz. and making fun of all you assholes.
Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
Subject: i tend not to make elaborate livejournal posts.
Time: 10:05 am.
and tend only to post when i'm close to, or brimful of blood (as some of you may know i am sans blood, dead, really, i mean, why am i so cold all the time). i guess i don't want you fuckwits (i use this term in an endearing way, dirtbags) to really know what's going on. i'd rather be seen as this whirling eclipse of peripheral emotion and being. and save the real emotion and being, and babble driven by this emotion and being for interaction beyond the textual realm. the other reason exists as a mere nagging upon my compulsive tendencies, and lack of confidence in anything i write. i'll type this out maybe three times. edit it four. and erase it eventually if i find too many typographical errors. i do this with most everything i write. as i'm sure a few of you might do as well. except for me, the process becomes agonizing. i wish the process didn't exist. it's a stutter-step. something that i even suffer through when i'm surfing through non-textual mediums. which is my catch twenty-two. i have all these things i want to say, and feel so unconfident in saying it all.
i refer to my behavior as broken.
what i need is some really strong glue. and a swift kick in bubble.
Subject: saturday.
Time: 11:09 pm.
Mood: scattered..
Music: cunninglynguists.
friday was fun. i can't say that fun has been apart of my life as of late, so it was a welcome change.
what was not fun was losing my phone. i remember sticking it in my bag before i left the apartment. when i returned around the time of three in the morning, i reached in my bag with the intention of texting a well wishing message, and the phone just wasn't there.
i told richie that i practiced good cellular phone manners on my outing. and maybe if i hadn't i would have known at some point (before three)that it was missing. so i trekked over to mona's and joey's and they don't have the fucker.
all day i've been trying to hone in my telepathic powers.
if you heard, in your mind, a knock-knock, it was me. let me in.
i do things sometimes until ad nauseum. like cleaning. or plucking out my white hairs. itching. tossing about in my bed. i do it until my jaw is so tense i get a headache and i want to puke all over my kicks. when did this all begin. will it ever end. i mean, it's hard to think of rainbows and candy and bunnies all the time.
Friday, February 13th, 2004
Subject: my hardest year.
Time: 3:42 pm.
fall filled with warafin. late arrivals to my acient greek seminar. bruised arms and tired eyes. a full load. a mainstage. a job. shit-fucks for roommates. january term filled with black text to white blank paper not wanting to be filled because of fear. a spring to finish that play. direct that play. set, light, sound design for another play. full course load. another mainstage. and filling last minute requirements.
i still got a 3.83 for that year.
when i called the mathematician in the registrar office today to sort out my individual year grade point averages, i started to cry a little. i re-lived that shit-year in a nanosecond separted by cellular phone static, three hunderd miles, and two years.
but somehow i got by, and for that i'm proud (which also made me cry a little).
so both are done. i sent the second in today. i will know the verdicts in two weeks. wish me luck.
also, my notebook is rad.
Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
Subject: one is done and sent.
Time: 11:27 pm.
the other, soon to follow.
seriously, who did the double-checking mathematics on my transcripts?
my train leaves at eleven tomorrow morning. i have a lot to do when i get back.
things i've learned:
that i am afraid of coy-dogs.
that denting out a jar of peanut-butter in two days is nothing compared to the dents i put into some fake sugar ben and jerry's pints in one hour.
that i really am a terrible driver.
that i have a whole lot to give, but i need to give a little to myself once and a while.
that mustard is not a good substitute for salad dressing.
that my mother wants to be a grandmother, badly.
that my brother is actually funny.
that i really do love new york city.
that i use the word that, a lot.
that i'd drop anything in a nanosecond for my mother.
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
Subject: CATALINA MADELINA.
Time: 8:16 pm.
There was a girl, she had a funny name.
She got it from her pappy just the same, same, same.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
She had twenty hairs on the top of her head.
Ten were alive and ten were dead.
She had two teeth in the front of her mouth.
One pointed north and the other pointed south.
She had two eyes in the front of her head.
One was yellow and the other was red.
Her ears stuck out like the sails of a boat.
Her adams apple wandered up and down her throat.
She loved to polish her finger nails.
She bought her polish in ten gallon pails.
The language she spoke was an awful joke.
Her head was made out of solid oak.
Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.
Time: 11:17 am.
some of you are ridiculous.
Monday, February 9th, 2004
Subject: ©
Time: 9:54 am.
I HATE THE WORD
Consequence:
jutting black on
yellow-stained white
paper, like pepper
and salt, like you and
me.
(con) Sequ[i]n (ce):
reminds me of
the prom that I
always hated, you
in a black suit
acrid with your sweat,
your hand
on the ass of my
pseudo virginal jaundice
dress.
I should have slit
your throat then,
but my nails were so plastic
pretty, and I was
nice.
Sunday, February 8th, 2004
Time: 11:02 pm.
engine driver's headed north to pleasant stream.
these wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam.
Saturday, February 7th, 2004
Subject: i often feel like the person in the crooked finger's song broken man.
Time: 8:04 pm.
well, i am feeling better, and i'm fighting against this no motivation feeling. i'm blaming the winter, but it's all about the blahs. we all go through this.
so joe (finally) dropped off my poetry portfolio. i lured him with a beer or coffee e-mail. though we never met up. nor do i want to. but since he's been working on the house next to ours on kingsboro i figured he'd be (more of) a real asshole if he decided to conveniently forget to drop it off. but to my surprise he came through. me mum was shocked that jen didn't burn it, or urinate on it, or rip it to shreds. she's that kind of chick. for the longest time during my friendship with joe i was convinced that one day i'd magically disappear and would be found one day, decades later, buried in her folk's front yard. yes, she is that kind of girl.
today i also found out that the amsterdam dunkin donuts charges more for the great one than the one on houston street in new york city. what the fuck. i also found out that amsterdam is in possession of a store solely dedicated to bows and arrows, and appropriately the store is named bows and arrow. also, what the fuck.
i wrote this:
In a dream I was lusting after chocolate covered peanut-butter wafers
enriched flour
riboflavin
and partially hydrogenated soybean oil
In a not-dream my mother’s warm body was next to mine
and this (which is a part of the same poem):
like when I stare at a flashlight for too long
or when I glance at that torrent orb light
in the compressed archaic racquetball court at the gym
You were like a luminous protostar
evolving and
tracking
through my Hertzsprung-Russell gray matter
the nebulae of my memory
as if you were on your way to becoming a main sequence star
_______________
i've been thinking about you lately. no, not you. you.
Thursday, February 5th, 2004
Time: 10:20 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
a list:
house gut, check.
college chest gut, check.
portfolio plea, check.
arrear e-mail, check.
tax crap, check.
new laptop on back order, check.
change of life plan, check.
things are moving a long swimmingly. but it would be nice if you could (silently, if you'd prefer) wish me luck. shakiness is still in the future, i predict.
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
Subject: Compaq Presario Notebook:
Time: 10:20 am.
Model 2100US Notebook
-Microprocessor Intel® Celeron® Processor - 1.6 GHz
-Hard Drive 30GB enhanced-IDE
-Memory 256 MB DDR SDRAM; Memory Max 1024 MB
-Memory Speed 266 MHz
-Total DIMM Sockets 2; available DIMM Sockets 1
-Second-Level Cache (L2) 128 KB (L2)
-Multimedia Drive DVD+CD-RW Combo; CD,DVD Rewritable Drive CD-read 24x; CD-write 8x; CD-rewrite 8x; DVD-read 8x
-Diskette Drive: NO
-Fax/Data Modem Integrated v.90/v.92 56 KB modem (RJ-11 connector)
-Network Integrated 10/100BASE-T Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 connector)
-Keyboard 87-/88-key, full-size with embedded numeric keypad
-Pointing Device Touch Pad with On/Off button and dedicated vertical Scroll Up/Down pad; Additional mouse included in-box.
-Sound 16-bit Sound Blaster Pro-compatible audio
-Speakers Internal stereo speakers
-Total Expansion Slots:1 Type II or III PC card slot; CardBus-enabled
-Total External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
-Available External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
Video Graphics (AGP)
-ATI MOBILITYTM RADEONTM AGP 4X and 3D architecture
-Graphics Memory
-32 MB DDR SDRAM (shared)
-12.96" (L) x 10.72" (W) x 1.57" (H)
-75W AC adapter; 8-Cell Lithium-Ion
-Microsoft® Windows XP Home Edition
-Microsoft® Outlook Express 6.0
-Microsoft® Internet Explorer 6.0
-Microsoft® Fax Services
-Microsoft® Firewall
-SymantecTM Norton AntivirusTM 2002 90 days live update (on CD); Getting Started Documentation Suite.
-Intervideo WinDVD (DVD player)
-Roxio Easy CD Creator
-Microsoft® Works 6.0
-Quicken® Financial Center by Intuit (U.S. only)
-Microsoft® Money 2003
-Microsoft® Encarta Online Deluxe Encyclopedia - 1 year subscription
-Adobe Acrobat Reader 5.0
-AOL® 7.0
-CompuServe® 6.0
-Netscape 6.0
OH GOD, IT SOUNDS GREAT. I MIGHT GET A HOT LAP. BUT SHIT, DO YOU AGREE YOU NERDLY NERD NERDS? PLEASE HELP.
ALSO, FORGET ABOUT AN APPLE. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH.
Monday, February 2nd, 2004
Time: 8:19 pm.
there is the smell of cold winter air cut by burning brush, and the dizzying sight of a clear starry sky that makes my heart melt.
Subject: five hours at my old place on kingsboro.
Time: 4:33 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music: in my head: the cult. she sells sanctuary.
boy, my brother is a slob. and he listens to nu-metal. but i love him.
so i'm here partly to gain some sort of order in my life. and i'm heading in the right direction. hanging out at my old house is bitter-sweet. i get caught up in memory while sorting and cleaning and disposing. what would it be like to live here again? with trepidation, i think about how comfortable i would be here, teaching (after certification, in which i would have to enroll into school for) english and or drama at the high school. living in cheap-ass apartment with my forty pound female brindle boxer with natural ears and a docked tail. so close to my mother. christ she's a great woman. i just hate that part of me that is challenging my vehement opinion on settling.
but, i love new york. and my whims.
also on the table:
i've never traveled in a limousine.
and.
two cops on the milk box missing.
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
Subject: why did i leave?
Time: 7:23 pm.
erica: mom, what are you doing for valentine's day...it's on a friday you know?
mum: no, it's saturday and sunday.
erica: i thought the fourteenth was just one day.
Saturday, January 31st, 2004
Subject: this little funk.
Time: 8:10 pm.
is not giving one bit. so i've succumbed to reading with the voracity of a medievalist college freak waiting for his or her five ante meridiem alarm clock to sound. the call that beckons him or her to the barren field in front of the library, his or her wooden sword, and his or her flock of freak-ass friends waiting, rallying, for the morning joust.
you remember these guys right? you were one of these guys right?
so it's me and the livejournal, e-mail, and friendster. i'm cutting my ties with the superfluous nature of on-line circles. i'll keep nerve to amuse myself on those bleak and blah monday mornings. friendster, because i secretly want ms. lewis, my junior high and high school latin teacher of six years, to friendster me. and cher. i'm waiting for cher to friendster me. and i need this livejournal like a hole in the head, but i've become somewhat attached to it, in that it has been the only medium i have returned to, in regards to any documentation of my life and feeling, without reluctance. and i'm a secret lurker. let me be redundant.
Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
Subject: my belly.
Time: 11:20 am.
is expanding. thank you beer.
i need to get a computer so i can purge all my dirty little thoughts into microsoft word.
Monday, January 26th, 2004
Subject: and you know what else?
Time: 4:26 pm.
today would have been my father's birthday.
i feel old.
Subject: the short list of things i need or want and need to change. for my own reference.
Time: 3:51 pm.
rape. a love story. jco.
a facial.
a colon cleansing.
a tattoo on my left wrist.
the essential bruce springsteen.
guarapero: lost blues two. will oldham.
song cyclops, volume one. doleful lions.
time (the revelator). gillian welch.
wrecking ball. emmylou harris (i think this is the one).
bring on the snakes. crooked fingers.
things we lost in the fire. low.
the collector of hearts: new tales of the grotesque. jco.
haunted. tales of the grotesque. jco.
live in 1992. ac/dc.
a computer.
friends.
lyle lovett. my baby don't tolerate.
a female boxer around forty pounds with natural ears and a docked tail.
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
Subject: a wiser man than i once noted...
Time: 9:50 am.
there's nothing new about us.
sometimes i think about friends had and lost...it's lame...i just sit here and think about why i was friends with somebody, if i was really friends with somebody, why i'm not still friends with somebody, then it dawned on me.
relationships are about learning. taking and giving. we get ourselves into relationships, be they romantic, platonic, et cetera, to learn, to gain knowledge, to realize ourselves, our goals and our lives better. and once that resource is exhausted in somebody we move on and find the next person or set of people to draw from. it sounds shitty and shallow, but it's the truth. i've gone through countless friends over the years, but only a few have really stuck, and those are the ones i'm still learning from, be it about myself, or them, or some material and tangible thing like biology, or physics...these are the ones that last. it doesn't mean the other ones weren't important, because if they weren't important or dear, we wouldn't even think about them.
it just seems like all we can do is accept the fact that we've learned from somebody, we've taken what we can from them...and hopefully, we've in turn given back everything we could.
when the time is right, or when we're needed, or when we need them...they'll come around again.
i guess when it's all said and done we leave when there's nothing new.
Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Subject: thanks!
Time: 11:22 am.
i just wanted to say that i had a really nice time with mike and lou yesterday. eating w1ngz. and making fun of all you assholes.
Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
Subject: i tend not to make elaborate livejournal posts.
Time: 10:05 am.
and tend only to post when i'm close to, or brimful of blood (as some of you may know i am sans blood, dead, really, i mean, why am i so cold all the time). i guess i don't want you fuckwits (i use this term in an endearing way, dirtbags) to really know what's going on. i'd rather be seen as this whirling eclipse of peripheral emotion and being. and save the real emotion and being, and babble driven by this emotion and being for interaction beyond the textual realm. the other reason exists as a mere nagging upon my compulsive tendencies, and lack of confidence in anything i write. i'll type this out maybe three times. edit it four. and erase it eventually if i find too many typographical errors. i do this with most everything i write. as i'm sure a few of you might do as well. except for me, the process becomes agonizing. i wish the process didn't exist. it's a stutter-step. something that i even suffer through when i'm surfing through non-textual mediums. which is my catch twenty-two. i have all these things i want to say, and feel so unconfident in saying it all.
i refer to my behavior as broken.
what i need is some really strong glue. and a swift kick in bubble.
five.
Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
Subject: this is how i feel sometimes.
Time: 10:11 am.
like a letter from elizabeth barrett browning to robert browning on march 20th, 1845.
Friday, December 12th, 2003
Time: 11:31 pm.
Eisler on the go, Eisler on the move
Brother is on the vinegar truck and I don't know what I'll do
I don't know what I'll do, I don't know what I'll do
Eisler's on the come and go and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler on the farm, Eisler on the town
Sister in the tickly bush and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler on the boat, Eisler on the ship
Daddy on the henhouse roof and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler in the jailoe, Eisler back at home,
Rankin scratch his head and cry and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler him write music, Eisler him teach school,
Truman him don't play so good and I don't know what I'll do
Saturday, November 29th, 2003
Subject: also.
Time: 8:27 pm.
well everytime that i come home nobody wants to let me be. it seems that all the friends i got just got to come interrogate me. well, i appreciate your feelings and i don't want to pass you by, but i don't ask you about your business, don't ask me about mine.
Subject: backroads.
Time: 8:23 pm.
black ice and snow drifts. oh my.
Friday, November 28th, 2003
Subject: songs i wouldn't mind making out to, a short list:
Time: 7:12 pm.
people talkin', lucinda williams
the scientist, coldplay
hell is around the corner, tricky
fire, bruce springsteen
Time: 4:02 pm.
I drove from Tribes Hill to Gloversville. The car pitched softly with the dramatic folds in the road. And Tom Petty filtered through the speakers. I was tempted to pull the car over on the side of the road to take a picture of the mountains, the protruding power poles, and the looming gray rain clouds in the distance (that seemed to be draped, acutely, over my hometown). It was one of those moments. Completely bitter sweet. That picture, if I had had my camera, would have captured the backdrop to that space in my heart where love and depression dance.
I have often wondered why I ever left this place. Today I found the answer. Home is disintegrating. And it’s very possible that the people who reside here are falling ill, based on the pragmatism that they are a product of their environment, and those who escape have a better chance of survival.
I have changed too. And where is home.
Friday, October 31st, 2003
Subject: silly.
Time: 10:53 am.
really. people care too much about money.
Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
Subject: my life.
Time: 11:38 am.
is like the movie groundhog day.
Thursday, October 16th, 2003
Time: 10:58 am.
There is absence, there is lack,
there are wolves here
abound.
You will miss me,
when I turn
around.
Friday, October 10th, 2003
Subject: i'd be a good mom.
Time: 5:18 pm.
sayin'.
Saturday, October 4th, 2003
Subject: round face.
Time: 7:32 pm.
often times i don't like it. but then i think about people like ingrid bergman.
Friday, October 3rd, 2003
Time: 11:09 am.
i had a dream that a fast moving talking dog murdered (a talking) winston, my very obese house cat, with jutting chunks of tree bark and different sized stainless steel knives. in my dream i took vengeance upon that scrappy mutt with similar knives lying around. the sight of winston with a piece of wood gouged into his soft abdomen jolted me out of bed at five twenty three this morning.
Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
Subject: hangovers...
Time: 12:35 pm.
hanging on.
Monday, September 29th, 2003
Subject: we have a leak in our kitchen ceiling.
Time: 10:33 am.
like this week isn't going to be interesting enough.
Saturday, September 27th, 2003
Subject: sunday, october fifth.
Time: 7:42 pm.
eight years. it feels like yesterday sometimes.
Thursday, September 25th, 2003
Subject: THIS BELONGS TO THEO. I WISH IT BELONGED TO ME.
Time: 2:29 pm.
theo writes:
***Before reading the following entry, please let it be known, that this was crazy and totally unexpected and random. You will probably think less of me and think i am an asshole, a prick, a total dick and probably deserve a first class ticket to h-e-double hockey sticks. but if you were there, and witnessed this and more importantly felt their wrath, youd know where i was coming from.
this could have been an episode straight out of the "twilight zone". i like to call this entry "the twlight zone that wasnt: the popcorn, the android and the fucking yak"
it all started around 6 o clock. kevin was the first one attacked. 30 minutes later and 2 missed sales, he felt their wrath. his store was left in shambles and kevin was left holding his "boys" as he was punched squarely in the nuts.
seth was then up next. seth felt the wrath at 6:45. he got it the easiest tho. he was up high and out of the reach of the small ones. lucky fucker.
7:25 the phone rings. its seth.
"theo....some people are coming for you. be on the lookout."
"who?"
"youll see. be careful and good luck, thats all i got to say"
::dial tone::
so now im awake and scoping out the scene. then i see them. all 3 of them. leaving a path of terror behind them. people stopping and looking. the little one screeches like a pack of banshees.
finally they arrive.
theres 3 of them. a scarecrow of a woman, and her two devil spawn.
they approach me like a flock of locusts on middle america crop farm. the mother pushes one kid in a stroller the other one, a boy age 4, follows in tow.
"i need these in pink" she spouts out at the mouth. we look for what she wants and before i know it, all hell breaks loose. jr starts jumping up and down, wailing his arms like hes on fire. all of a sudden, the lil fucker starts yelling and screaming. his tiny little body produced this sound.....it was like chewbacca was getting anal raped by a pack of angry anal raping goats. it was like a yak mating call....just the wierdest fuckin sound, i have ever ever ever heard a kid make. much less any other human.
the girl remained in her chair. she had this look in her eye, like she knew your deepest darkest secrets. i looked at her and winked, hoping to get her to change facial expressions. it worked. she went from devilish grin to all out balls to wall pissed off. she started to scream and yell and throw her popcorn all over and at me. the mother was acting like this was a common occurance. she browsed, asked questions, tried things on, and was a total ghost to her spawn. the son was doing the yak mating call as he ran laps around my counter. the lil girl, who was bored throwing popcorn at me, decided to go for a stroll. she stands up in her stroller, and tries to climb out.
THUD!! her small but fat body crashes to the floor. head first. i ran to her aid...she layed there, laughing like a mad woman. this is when it got creepy and on some twlight zone shit.
she stands up and moves her hair and i notice a plug and wire running from under her shirt to the back of her head. rca-jack style. it was one of the most bizarre things i have ever seen. so now im kinda creeped out. i mean she fell out of a stroller, flat on her fuckin head, and she laughed. it had no effect on her, but to laugh. the boy is yodeling like a fuckin yak in heat and the mom is totally oblivious to this all. so the boy comes up to me, and tells me "i like blue". and i notice, THAT SAME WIRE/RCA-JACK CONNECTION running from the back of his head down his shirt. WHAT THE FUCK?!! what is this? it wasnt like lil patches like when you get tests done at the dr's office, to monitor brain waves or heart rate. it was like an actual plug, stuck in their heads. like a fuckin vcr type plug in THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS!!!! NO LIE! after the left, i called seth and the first thing he said was "DID YOU SEE THOSE WIRES AND SHIT IN THEIR HEADS?"
so after a good 45 minutes of popcorn being thrown at me, the scarecrow mom with vampire teeth, lil girl snotty nose , and the android-yak hybrid boy, making his chewbacca gettin anal raped mating calls, they leave with out buying anything.
but with a promise to come back friday night.
i know its all mean and shit to make fun of little kids. im sure he was making those noises cause hes probably got some rare disease or something and his sister probably has it too. they probably arent half human half android half yak people, made in some dudes basement. and here i am making fun of them, and shook cause they gave me the fuckin heebee jeebies, but you know what, THATS LIFE YOU CREEPY ASS ANDROID YAK PEOPLE. LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP YOUR MATING CALLS. ALSO STOP PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE NUTS.
they were also mean, and fucking bad ass little kids, scary wires sticking in their heads or not. bad ass kids are bad ass kids. i dont care ofyour a yakhuman half breed, if your ass deserves a spankin then by all means your ass should be thrown over a knee and spanked. androids arent higher up then a good ole fashion ass whuppin.
i just want to know whats up with those wires. if its some rare defect, or the planet is under attack by yak-breeds.
Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
Subject: i forgot what it was like to have muscles.
Time: 3:46 pm.
i just don't want to turn into lou ferrigno.
and
i am sore.
Thursday, September 18th, 2003
Subject: I FEEL STELLAR...
Time: 10:35 am.
SO STELLAR, AND LOVELY AND RAD.
Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
Time: 10:58 am.
i find myself sick today with anguish. i'm in fight or flight mode. this thing with jeff's sister in the hospital and having no clue what the situation is, and being so far away, is making me ill.
Thursday, September 11th, 2003
Time: 2:47 pm.
i went to court today.
Subject: this is how i feel sometimes.
Time: 10:11 am.
like a letter from elizabeth barrett browning to robert browning on march 20th, 1845.
Friday, December 12th, 2003
Time: 11:31 pm.
Eisler on the go, Eisler on the move
Brother is on the vinegar truck and I don't know what I'll do
I don't know what I'll do, I don't know what I'll do
Eisler's on the come and go and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler on the farm, Eisler on the town
Sister in the tickly bush and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler on the boat, Eisler on the ship
Daddy on the henhouse roof and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler in the jailoe, Eisler back at home,
Rankin scratch his head and cry and I don't know what I'll do
Eisler him write music, Eisler him teach school,
Truman him don't play so good and I don't know what I'll do
Saturday, November 29th, 2003
Subject: also.
Time: 8:27 pm.
well everytime that i come home nobody wants to let me be. it seems that all the friends i got just got to come interrogate me. well, i appreciate your feelings and i don't want to pass you by, but i don't ask you about your business, don't ask me about mine.
Subject: backroads.
Time: 8:23 pm.
black ice and snow drifts. oh my.
Friday, November 28th, 2003
Subject: songs i wouldn't mind making out to, a short list:
Time: 7:12 pm.
people talkin', lucinda williams
the scientist, coldplay
hell is around the corner, tricky
fire, bruce springsteen
Time: 4:02 pm.
I drove from Tribes Hill to Gloversville. The car pitched softly with the dramatic folds in the road. And Tom Petty filtered through the speakers. I was tempted to pull the car over on the side of the road to take a picture of the mountains, the protruding power poles, and the looming gray rain clouds in the distance (that seemed to be draped, acutely, over my hometown). It was one of those moments. Completely bitter sweet. That picture, if I had had my camera, would have captured the backdrop to that space in my heart where love and depression dance.
I have often wondered why I ever left this place. Today I found the answer. Home is disintegrating. And it’s very possible that the people who reside here are falling ill, based on the pragmatism that they are a product of their environment, and those who escape have a better chance of survival.
I have changed too. And where is home.
Friday, October 31st, 2003
Subject: silly.
Time: 10:53 am.
really. people care too much about money.
Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
Subject: my life.
Time: 11:38 am.
is like the movie groundhog day.
Thursday, October 16th, 2003
Time: 10:58 am.
There is absence, there is lack,
there are wolves here
abound.
You will miss me,
when I turn
around.
Friday, October 10th, 2003
Subject: i'd be a good mom.
Time: 5:18 pm.
sayin'.
Saturday, October 4th, 2003
Subject: round face.
Time: 7:32 pm.
often times i don't like it. but then i think about people like ingrid bergman.
Friday, October 3rd, 2003
Time: 11:09 am.
i had a dream that a fast moving talking dog murdered (a talking) winston, my very obese house cat, with jutting chunks of tree bark and different sized stainless steel knives. in my dream i took vengeance upon that scrappy mutt with similar knives lying around. the sight of winston with a piece of wood gouged into his soft abdomen jolted me out of bed at five twenty three this morning.
Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
Subject: hangovers...
Time: 12:35 pm.
hanging on.
Monday, September 29th, 2003
Subject: we have a leak in our kitchen ceiling.
Time: 10:33 am.
like this week isn't going to be interesting enough.
Saturday, September 27th, 2003
Subject: sunday, october fifth.
Time: 7:42 pm.
eight years. it feels like yesterday sometimes.
Thursday, September 25th, 2003
Subject: THIS BELONGS TO THEO. I WISH IT BELONGED TO ME.
Time: 2:29 pm.
theo writes:
***Before reading the following entry, please let it be known, that this was crazy and totally unexpected and random. You will probably think less of me and think i am an asshole, a prick, a total dick and probably deserve a first class ticket to h-e-double hockey sticks. but if you were there, and witnessed this and more importantly felt their wrath, youd know where i was coming from.
this could have been an episode straight out of the "twilight zone". i like to call this entry "the twlight zone that wasnt: the popcorn, the android and the fucking yak"
it all started around 6 o clock. kevin was the first one attacked. 30 minutes later and 2 missed sales, he felt their wrath. his store was left in shambles and kevin was left holding his "boys" as he was punched squarely in the nuts.
seth was then up next. seth felt the wrath at 6:45. he got it the easiest tho. he was up high and out of the reach of the small ones. lucky fucker.
7:25 the phone rings. its seth.
"theo....some people are coming for you. be on the lookout."
"who?"
"youll see. be careful and good luck, thats all i got to say"
::dial tone::
so now im awake and scoping out the scene. then i see them. all 3 of them. leaving a path of terror behind them. people stopping and looking. the little one screeches like a pack of banshees.
finally they arrive.
theres 3 of them. a scarecrow of a woman, and her two devil spawn.
they approach me like a flock of locusts on middle america crop farm. the mother pushes one kid in a stroller the other one, a boy age 4, follows in tow.
"i need these in pink" she spouts out at the mouth. we look for what she wants and before i know it, all hell breaks loose. jr starts jumping up and down, wailing his arms like hes on fire. all of a sudden, the lil fucker starts yelling and screaming. his tiny little body produced this sound.....it was like chewbacca was getting anal raped by a pack of angry anal raping goats. it was like a yak mating call....just the wierdest fuckin sound, i have ever ever ever heard a kid make. much less any other human.
the girl remained in her chair. she had this look in her eye, like she knew your deepest darkest secrets. i looked at her and winked, hoping to get her to change facial expressions. it worked. she went from devilish grin to all out balls to wall pissed off. she started to scream and yell and throw her popcorn all over and at me. the mother was acting like this was a common occurance. she browsed, asked questions, tried things on, and was a total ghost to her spawn. the son was doing the yak mating call as he ran laps around my counter. the lil girl, who was bored throwing popcorn at me, decided to go for a stroll. she stands up in her stroller, and tries to climb out.
THUD!! her small but fat body crashes to the floor. head first. i ran to her aid...she layed there, laughing like a mad woman. this is when it got creepy and on some twlight zone shit.
she stands up and moves her hair and i notice a plug and wire running from under her shirt to the back of her head. rca-jack style. it was one of the most bizarre things i have ever seen. so now im kinda creeped out. i mean she fell out of a stroller, flat on her fuckin head, and she laughed. it had no effect on her, but to laugh. the boy is yodeling like a fuckin yak in heat and the mom is totally oblivious to this all. so the boy comes up to me, and tells me "i like blue". and i notice, THAT SAME WIRE/RCA-JACK CONNECTION running from the back of his head down his shirt. WHAT THE FUCK?!! what is this? it wasnt like lil patches like when you get tests done at the dr's office, to monitor brain waves or heart rate. it was like an actual plug, stuck in their heads. like a fuckin vcr type plug in THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS!!!! NO LIE! after the left, i called seth and the first thing he said was "DID YOU SEE THOSE WIRES AND SHIT IN THEIR HEADS?"
so after a good 45 minutes of popcorn being thrown at me, the scarecrow mom with vampire teeth, lil girl snotty nose , and the android-yak hybrid boy, making his chewbacca gettin anal raped mating calls, they leave with out buying anything.
but with a promise to come back friday night.
i know its all mean and shit to make fun of little kids. im sure he was making those noises cause hes probably got some rare disease or something and his sister probably has it too. they probably arent half human half android half yak people, made in some dudes basement. and here i am making fun of them, and shook cause they gave me the fuckin heebee jeebies, but you know what, THATS LIFE YOU CREEPY ASS ANDROID YAK PEOPLE. LEAVE ME ALONE AND STOP YOUR MATING CALLS. ALSO STOP PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE NUTS.
they were also mean, and fucking bad ass little kids, scary wires sticking in their heads or not. bad ass kids are bad ass kids. i dont care ofyour a yakhuman half breed, if your ass deserves a spankin then by all means your ass should be thrown over a knee and spanked. androids arent higher up then a good ole fashion ass whuppin.
i just want to know whats up with those wires. if its some rare defect, or the planet is under attack by yak-breeds.
Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
Subject: i forgot what it was like to have muscles.
Time: 3:46 pm.
i just don't want to turn into lou ferrigno.
and
i am sore.
Thursday, September 18th, 2003
Subject: I FEEL STELLAR...
Time: 10:35 am.
SO STELLAR, AND LOVELY AND RAD.
Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
Time: 10:58 am.
i find myself sick today with anguish. i'm in fight or flight mode. this thing with jeff's sister in the hospital and having no clue what the situation is, and being so far away, is making me ill.
Thursday, September 11th, 2003
Time: 2:47 pm.
i went to court today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
