one.

Thursday, January 30th, 2003
Subject: no joke.
Time: 10:42 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
Music: cat power. salty dog.

dear erica,

thank you for submitting an audition tape for real world season thirteen and road rules season twelve. we are honored to have been allowed the chance to get to know you, and we appreciate the diligence, enthusiasm, and honesty with which you have shared the very personal details of your life. every year, we are amazed anew by the variety and depth of the experiences our applicants allow us to share.

as you may know, we receive nearly five thousand applications for each of the places in our cast. while we truly wish we could provide a forum for all of the fascinating stories we hear, and all of the voices that interest us, we are forced to narrow the field each year to those seven people for real world and six for road rules. unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a place in this season's cast.

please understand that our decision is not in any way a rejection or dismissal of you personally and in no way comments negatively on any particular aspect of your videotape or what you have chosen to share with us. we deeply appreciate your openness and honesty and wish you the very best of everything in your future.

sincerely,

mary-ellis bunim and jonathan murray.

the small child inside of me weeps.

okay. it doesn't. because this day was rad. got a list of agents. bought a magazine. purchased a pair of one hundred dollar jeans for twenty bucks and received a call telling me to come to new york in march.

the small child inside of me wets her pants with joy.



Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
Subject: i should be.
Time: 10:32 pm.
Mood: okay.
Music: nick drake. saturday sun.

at the bar.

but if i go to the bar chances are i will smoke a cigarette. maybe even two. who am i kidding. i'll buy a pack in a drunken fervor. and when i cough up a lung the next day and my nasal passages are inflamed to the size of leather stocking country i'm sure i'm going to want to die. did i mention i have vices? so instead i will drown my boredom in the nerd, the hellmouth of reclusion. and i can't shake like i use too. i know if i go out i'll have that hangover feeling for days. did i mention i was eighty-two? on another note, all together, i want my heart to pitter patter.

i dreamt about one of my new york city friends. and i say, how come he wasn't naked in my unconscious wanderings?

and how come i hate the phone but i always want to be suprised by a phone call. for serious.



Subject: this time i am not depressed but, in fact, relieved.
Time: 12:15 am.
Mood: yarf.
Music: elliot smith. big star cover.

that i am not married.

and i must admit that i hate the telephone, but i haven't talked to ben in months. mostly because he's a wanker. and his wife is a fucking raging lunatic who still thinks that he wants to hump my leg. and the silly thing is he never wanted to hump thy leg, nor i his. even during that awkward pubescent stage. i blame it on his big ears. it makes me sad that i have lost a close friend to marriage. i hope this never happens to me. well, maybe it won't, these days friends are few and far between. and i don't want to get into the topic of finding the right person...

why do people call martinis martinis. really.



Tuesday, January 28th, 2003
Subject: thank you.
Time: 7:23 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music: french kicks. when you heard you.

benno, i'd give you a kiss.