It took me more than an hour to write a short note to one of my most favorite professors. Writing him filled me with deep sorrow and I know why.
It has nothing to do with him judging my life, the disappointment he may have in my professional choices, or my semantics.
It has everything to do with my professional life that I am unhappy with.
During this winter recess from teaching I have found myself thinking about my non-actions. I’ve come to realize that I have lost sight of the things I really love. All the luxuries of this life that I can now afford come from the stability that the teaching profession offers. But, after five years of this profession I feel I have already hit that disillusionment phase many times over; I am not spiritually satisfied with my job.
I’m at a turning point in my life. The potential to lose my job has everything to do with the states’ economic instability and what my school can afford. So I’m seriously entertaining the idea of selling our house and moving back the city.
Perhaps it isn’t even entertaining, perhaps it is romanticizing.
Is there a difference between regret and non-action? Did I not want it bad enough? And, is it really over because I am approaching thirty?
I couldn’t stay in the game because I am a too self-conscious. I have made too many excuses: I can’t handle the aesthetics of it all, I’m not tall or thin enough, these dark circles under my eyes are permanent, I slouch too much, I’m old.
I’m full of excuses and non-actions.
I have fully convinced myself that I am happy with this life--a house, a generous lover, two canine children, two degrees, a supportive family, a stable income with health insurance. These are the things we are measured by. And if I was happy with my professional choices I would be happy with these accomplishments too.
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4 comments:
this has nothing to do with what you said, fyi.
i finally posted pictures of my apartment! :]
it's the newest post!
it is you! what happened to livejournal?
i still one!
but, i made that entry friends only, and i figured you didn't have a livejournal, so i posted them here especially for you!
Though it seems like a big move and a big risk, if you're unhappy with your job and think you would be better off doing something else, somewhere else, I say that you should go for it. I know a lot of people would say that the economy is bad and you should hold on to what you have for dear life, but if you're not happy with it, fuck it. What's the point? Go after what you really want to be doing. It might be hard at first, but it'll be well worth it in the long run, I bet. This has been Inspirational Speaker Jodi.
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