eight.

Monday, June 21st, 2004
Subject: hi charles darwin.
Time: 9:23 pm.
Mood: bananas and peanut butter.

birds eat birds.

and my students might eat me.



Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
Subject: changes.
Time: 10:04 pm.

hairs cut real short.

moving to brooklyn soon (me hopes).

graduate school at pace university.

teaching english at chelsea vocational high school.

life has been hectic and lovely.



Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
Subject: it was a good day.
Time: 9:23 pm.

sort of.



Subject: oh beer.
Time: 9:23 pm.

what a calming effect you have on me.



Time: 9:23 pm.

these last few days have been fucking stellar. manic weather. parks. rick james bitch. tahini dressing. ice cream cones. sweaty hand holding. i really couldn't ask for anything more, except for more time, shorter work weeks (longer weekends), an apartment up on the east side of harlem, and a dog named action.

i have two tests next saturday and i'm pretty nervous. i've never been aces with standardized tests, and i feel my stomach quivering with nerves as i type about the subject.

i don't like my job. i don't think anyone would like this job. it's a wee bit insane.

was i meant to be a teacher? all signs are pointing to yes.



Subject: walking home.
Time: 9:23 pm.

i took the short way home, but walked slow to think. ran into caroline and petted her head. stopped into a vintage shoe and clothing store on seventh street. and i tried on cowboy boots. i made the man behind the counter hold them for me. i was too tired to make a decision as to whether or not i was too poor to buy them. or that it was too silly to buy them. i need to save. and it's just transient fashion. i thought about paul on the way home from the store. how i missed him in a fucked up crack head that bitch owes me a lot of money way. but he grew on me. i thought about how i missed my black cowboy boots. how i never wore them, really. but how i loved them so in a weird way. i often think about how he is. if he is better. if he is sane. if he went back to hair cutting. if he is even alive.
_____

i walked into my apartment. shuffled through the mail. and there it was. a mailing list post card from the buffalo chips boot company. an invitation for the grand opening bash over on washington street near the west side highway.

it's funny how life, this moving life around me, can, at times, synchronize with my current thoughts.

i fear attending this party. it would be an interesting gamble.



Time: 9:23 pm.

a woman came up to me on the street and told me she would give me her earrings for dinner and cigarettes.

i declined the offer.



Time: 9:23 pm.

my boss is one crazy fuck. i think i make him feel young (and i dread saying this, because i'm far from it, but i think i make him feel hip). i go in early. i stay late. i do work for him from home. i call him after hours. he calls me before hours. today he made me take the car service from work, on the upper east side, to his pad, on the upper west side, down to chelsea (after he was dropped off) with his diabolic, meddling, vapid, seventeen out of the twenty year business side-kick and friend, to the last stop, all the way down to my place on the east side of houston. seriously. he's goontastic. why me. seriously. why me.

so. cheryl is leaving and erica might be the new it tech. listen. i can hardly hook up my own personal printer without a hitch. how am i ever to deal with a hot, forty pound server. god help me.

also, my roommate is crazy and i'm moving soon.



Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
Time: 8:53 pm.

linen is not breathable.



Friday, May 7th, 2004
Time: 9:22 pm.

i learn my name.
i write with a number two pencil.
i work up to my potential.
i earn my meat.
i come when called.
i jump when you circle the cherry.
i sing like a good canary.
i come when called.
i come, that's all.



Saturday, May 1st, 2004
Subject: if you don't say it.
Time: 1:05 am.

opinion. there is never a poor time to talk about how you feel, even when you might feel it to be inopportune.

fact. if you don't say what you feel, chances are i might not know what you are feeling.

opinion. i think my roommate is crazy.

fact. my roommate is crazy.

opinion. i talk too much, and say very little.

fact. all i've ever wanted was a voice, and now that i have one, all i want to do is listen.
_____________

and, as an aside, i don't know what is right. or wrong. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells for family, friends, loved ones, and co-workers. and all i know is that i'm tired and i've been cracking some eggs.
_____________

i just want some alone time, but not alone.



Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
Subject: guh.
Time: 9:44 pm.

wow. this job. whoa.

i can't wait for the weekend.

i like reading on my commute. it makes me happy.
_____________________________________________________

so what do you want to do?

i'd like to start up a magazine based on urban literature.

so you want to write?

i guess,well...yes.

(it's strange to for me to think about my life in that perimeter again).



Saturday, April 10th, 2004
Subject: you know what i like?
Time: 8:14 pm.

i like sprawling out on my couch at night and watching, through the living room windows, planes flying over head.



Sunday, April 4th, 2004
Subject: happy.
Time: 9:17 pm.

and tired.



Sunday, March 28th, 2004
Subject: ...
Time: 1:15 pm.

me mum went to vegas. she needs to tell me about her seedy vacation. she needs to tell me about elvis impersonators. and slot machines. and show girls.

my week has been nutso. per usual.

all you fucks that don't think i have a job, i do. it sucks to hear these words:

"oh, yeah, that's right, you're not working..."

and

"why are you tired, it's not like you work or anything."

i'm employed by a direct, temporary to permanent, and temporary work placement staffing firm. and yes, i have been busy.

i've also been accepted to teach english by the new york city teaching fellows.

and yes, like the rest of you, i'm worried about my finances and my mental health, and i'm not really interested in talking about it to anyone really because it already consumes all of my thoughts, and it affects me mentally and physically.

those phrases (above) really do hurt. i don't know what you think of me. and i don't really want to know.



Subject: i'm in love.
Time: 1:11 am.

and i'm feeling insecure.

why does this happen?



Sunday, March 21st, 2004
Subject: christmas, happy.
Time: 10:48 pm.
Music: beast of burden. rolling stones.

okay. shit weekend except for the tail end. jobs didn't work out, no interviews(except for friday), travis dies, roommate's a fucking wreck, binge eating, restless nights, money concerns and issues.

but then bam, saturday. and sunday. best days ever. and again i'm hopeful for a brilliant week.

i am really lucky, and no matter how down i get, i got to keep my head up and remember things could be a lot worse. a lot worse.

and the thing i'm tickled the most about is that i have someone around who finally accepts me for me. it's nice to know that i don't have to be roses and sunshine all the time. someone accepts all these moods, all these feelings. it's so nice for a change. so nice. i'm really lucky.



Thursday, March 18th, 2004
Time: 8:56 am.

these feelings have no words.

i just sprawled out on the floor with the two of them.



Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
Subject: up down up down up
Time: 10:52 pm.
Mood: (
Music: heater hiss.

down.



Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
Subject: let's play catch up.
Time: 9:18 pm.

i'm itching to see a good show. cat power, mainly, or a really amazing hip hop show.

i'm itching for the spring, too.

i've been crossing all my fingers and toes, saying random prayers, wishes, in hopes that things will fall into place.

i'm at the point on the hill where i can see the top. i see at the zenith new friends; peanuts; a perfect relationship; a good, but dull job; a renewed sense in interests that have been buried, lost, suppressed, ready and waiting to be re-awakened; and clear thoughts. i'm climbing in anticipation of reaching the top. weary still of my steps, but still forging forward.

things cannot not fall into place. i can feel it. this feeling swells inside me. making that bubble taut, ready to pop.