nine.

Monday, September 20th, 2004
Subject: hi. monday.
Time: 7:47 pm.
Mood: again. tired.
Music: cat power. in this hole.

no matter how relaxing. how long. how refreshing the weekend was. i'm tired all over again. it might have something to do with the one hundred and twenty minutes of professional development with the academy. which left me crawling to the train with a twenty pound back pack during rush hour. also. i didn't eat lunch. smart move erica.



Saturday, September 18th, 2004
Subject: this e-mail sums it up. sorry if you see it twice.
Time: 2:46 pm.
Music: tara jane o'neil. without push.

dear sir,

it's been insane. in the best way. i love it all. i feel no stress. maybe sometime soon, but the first week was lovely. better than i ever expected.

it makes me want to be thirteen instead of forty-five.

how are you?

you know, i could do without the graduate class though.

teachers are nuts. and they are heavy drinkers. i, though, am not.

what else?

nothing too new. and you sir, how are you?

regards,

erica



Subject: he said.
Time: 1:53 pm.

would you be friends with me if my teeth were shaped like little penises?



Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
Subject: holy smokes.
Time: 6:57 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music: matt pond pa. grave's disease.

the shit hit the fan today. i was so amped to get the day started, riding off the previous days' energy and general well-being of my classes.

then i had advisory with another teacher and her advisory class. since we lack room, it looks like we'll be sharing the classroom all year. which is nice. i like the idea of team teaching. my problem is: advisory. what is it? seriously. soho art academy was created about two weeks before school started. chelsea high school had to accommodate about one hundred and fifty extra students that could not, to my knowledge, fit within the other existing academies without going over the classroom cap limit (all assumptions, of course) so the soho art academy was created. and within the small academy we were blessed with advisory, which a lot of small schools and academies are dealing with too. we've had no training for the advisory program and we are piggy-backing off of the other academies and their loose curriculum plan through december. advisory has the potential to be brilliant. really. the kids could learn a vast amount whilst receiving their health credit as well. but as i see it, our academy has no game plan--and in a week, the kids will see right through advisory, and mark that forty-two minute period as a joke. we sketched faces during that period, and wrote about it (hi, art fusion).

and then i had my block period -----. holy crap. this class holds another team teaching opportunity, which is new to chelsea high school. i love it. i think, two brains are better than one. i team teach with a special education teacher (known as master teacher? or that crazy lady that follows them around all day to all of their classes?--they don't know she's the special education teacher, which is rad). well, she is there because that class is an inclusion class, where half of the students need differentiated learning. but, i learned today, that she is not much of a disciplinarian. she has a different patience than i. i asked her about her method of discipline--she simply stated that the class hasn't pushed her buttons yet, that they aren't misbehaving, they are getting to know each other, and that usually causes extraneous classroom activity that delineates from the learning environment. she told me that she does have a temper, and will discipline when needed (she gave me the example of her disciplining method in her old school when kids would throw books and relieve themselves in the classroom waste basket. i thought, do i have to for those types of circumstances to discipline?! what? no way). well any way, i became the bad guy during that period. raising my voice several times to remind them of the respect that needs to be going on in the classroom. it was the most awful feeling. to stand there and discipline, while the other teacher just watched.

i felt miserable for a good chunk of the day. no one wants to be the bad guy.

block nine and ten. they are brilliant. they made my seemingly awful day much better.

i have the first week under my belt. everyday will be like the third day of school, filled with positives and negatives galore. i'm glad we have a four day weekend. i need to re-group.



Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
Subject: tuesday.
Time: 3:37 pm.
Music: the flaming lips. the strange design of conscience.

okay. another day under my belt. today went surprisingly well too. i share a classroom with mr. cerny (not sear-knee, but cheer-knee, it means black in polish, so says he). we feel comfortable enough to stay in the room while the other teaches. it's weird. but a nice weird. i'm glad that i get to observe another fellow (peace corp, not teaching) and their teaching method. i've learned that he says please too much. he asks me: "erica, what do you think i can do better as far as class management?" i say: "don't say please--don't give them a choice within your rules. be more declarative. don't say 'please be quiet.' say, 'you need to be quiet,' or just plain old 'be quiet.'" he does a great job of constantly referencing his classroom rule of respect though. we'll both have to do a lot of reminding.

i learned today that my kids, through their journaling, that they think i'm strict. but sort of fun. i'm walking that line. i like that line. i like that they think i'm strict. and in "fun", i hope they mean that i'm not too out of touch. because really, i'm not. i like a lot of the same things they do, as far as music and fashion, but i won't let them know for a while.

the lesson planning process has been interesting. i've already found that i'm utterly exhausted by the time i get home (and chances are i'll be going to bed a few hours from now) so i will have to find the best time for me to lesson plan--most likely the weekends, and the wee hours of the morning. i am not opposed to the idea of getting up at four in the morning. i like that alone time. the stillness of the morning. the first cigarette and sip of coffee. it's like i'll have this secret life.



Monday, September 13th, 2004
Subject: monday, sweet monday.
Time: 4:23 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music: my morning jacket. how do you know.

i made it through my first day. i battled through rough sunday sleep. and monday morning stomach flips. through the roller coaster subway ride that made any and everything that was in my stomach (four cups of coffee and a spoonful of peanut butter) travel to my esophagus. adam traveled to school with me at seven thirty in the morning. it felt like kindergarten again. but instead of the multi-colored visor with the flashing lights, a father with a matching one, and the tears, there was adam, two twenty pound bags, and nagging nausea.

he dropped me off and i said "do not kiss me in front of the school, that is big no no." who the hell says "no no"? seriously, "no no"? i had just had a patti moment (my mother).

school was amazing. the kids, amazing, petrified, but amazing. i was strict. i was covered in chalk by three thirty, well, ten thirty, to be honest. i wanted to shout a big fuck you to the world at the end of the day, to the people that told me that it would be difficult, terrible, miserable, especially for a new teacher. by the end of the chelsea professional development days a week before, i pretty much disliked the entire faculty, sans those who didn't feel the need to coddle or patronize. i made it through monday. i made it through monday! i feel on the top of the world.

but really, i know that everyday will be a monday, well maybe everyday will be like the second or third day of school. it will be like one of my most favorite movies with bill murray, groundhog day (even as an english teacher i don't know if i underline that movie title or italicize it, and in any and all cases i'm not sure how to do it in livejournal, i haven't done enough research or writing in this thing to even know).

this is going to be the best experience ever.



Sunday, September 5th, 2004
Time: 3:02 pm.

rikki tikki tavi!



Friday, September 3rd, 2004
Subject: past tense present tense. tense tense tense.
Time: 7:30 pm.

i'm kickin it in my swim trunks and brown top. the same brown top i've been wearing for the last three days. i'm alone. and it's okay. i'm not feeling lonely. just sort of nostalgic i guess.

there are days when i forget why i am here. in this apartment. with this new job. this new new new everything. sometimes it feels like the same old same old. and it's not. things a way different than they were from a year and a half ago. a year ago. six months ago.

and to think i came to this place with one bag on my back and no job. and here i am. in this apartment your grandmother would kill for. and in four days i'll be stomping around chelsea vocational high school. and i should be lesson planning, but i'm too caught up in "this". if i really want to get into it, i should have started lesson planning weeks ago. but i, alas, am a procrastinator. back to change.

really. i rent an apartment with a crime partner (fuck richie), i will have some insane health insurance starting september seventh.
_____

things sometimes feel the same. and it's the parts of me that haven't changed. i will always love others more than i will love myself. i will always have a no for all the yes.
______

i want other more memories. these are great, yes, so fantastic, that i yearn for more. what is it that i do that turn people away? why am i so afraid of people? why do want friends when i'm so afraid of people? i want friends. but i've built a flaky bridge so it seems.

well, anyways i want these memories so i can joke around with my friends on the back porch drinking beer and grilling burgers and reflect on the fun that was had.



Thursday, August 26th, 2004
Time: 7:47 pm.

to start collecting unicorn earrings.

also, workshop my play or shop it around to be produced.



Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
Subject: wings.
Time: 9:26 am.

i want them. you do to. maybe some of you pretty boys and girls will come with me tomorrow. at croxley's.



Monday, August 23rd, 2004
Subject: i'm excited.
Time: 6:28 pm.

about going to built by wendy tomorrow to look at the new wrangler collection i cannot afford.

i will try on jeans. find the right size. and pray someone purchases them and sells them on ebay on the cheaps.



Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
Subject: really.
Time: 11:53 am.

i have no friends.

be my friend.



Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
Time: 2:34 pm.

bay ridge is amazing. fruit stands. and clean streets. flavor. wicked monk. townies. and i'm sure sugar free sweets are buried somewhere on fifth avenue.



Sunday, August 15th, 2004
Time: 9:27 am.

i'm sorry.



Friday, August 13th, 2004
Subject: for me.
Time: 5:06 pm.

To feel a sequence of raised bumps that erupt with fine blonde hairs on thighs that belong to someone else. This is what my fingers want.
__________

And I cannot decipher whether or not I want to be in her or be her.
___

I see so many beautiful things: my brain cannot synthesize these images, so fine and vibrant, into words on paper.

Why?

Concrete fissures filled with tanned kernels.

Olive green olives that burst with jalapeño fire in my mouth.
______

So many shoes! So many! On subway rides I picture these shoes melting, onto the speckled variants of blues and whites on sheets of black linoleum floors of train cars, into a sea of red ants. Red ants flooding from Air Trainer Ones and muddied tan boots and soft-soled beaded moccasins.

And I eventually I drown in red ants.

Before I suffocate, I feel light legs of partitioned bodies on my skin—in holes where no thing except for air has traveled. Swallowing, as I grasp for air, fragmented groupings of tiny red bodies lump in the back of my throat.
___________________________________________

Something sits in my stomach so sad as I travel back home to Greenwood Heights. Fuck it. I’ve been carrying this weight for days. I swallow as I breathe and I feel the air, having traveled (down the wrong pipe, as my mother would say) from mouth to stomach, surrounding this amorphous glob, suffocating this weighty sadness until I am nauseous and wriggle with discomfort and gag from its blanketing intrusion.

What is down there?

I’ve taken five fiber pills every night for the last three nights, deviating from my three every-other-day routine. I’ve consumed one extra cup of sweet coffee in the following three mornings. I’m hoping to push this weight out in the thick-aired August mornings and flush it to Paris (my plumber is from Avignon and harbors this hatred for Paris. He says it is politics. I think he abhors the city for its flowery odors).

I ponder milk-chocolate flavored laxatives for dinner.



Thursday, August 5th, 2004
Subject: why don't i love you enough, journal.
Time: 9:54 pm.

i ignore you. but i do love you. somewhere deep in the warm nooks of my bowels, the love is there.

i'm almost finished with my summer session at pace. and next monday i start a week-long literacy training session. and then. a break. a time to relax, for a hot second. and then re-group. organize. erica remember the teacher's wish-list section of craig's list and donor's choose dot org.

i'd like to build a classroom environment for my little birds. since i will be hanging with them for ninety minutes a day i'd like some rugs and throw pillows and some crazy lamps. hi, donations. ramp-up shoves about two thousand books down your throat in the first two weeks, but i'm going to thrift and beg for more. if you have any you want to get rid of, throw them my way.

i'm going to start a blog for teaching. not on livejournal. can anyone suggest a good free lovely blogging site?

me mum is coming tomorrow to visit the place. she hasn't been to new york since i've moved. i'm very excited. and she is too. hand towels and kitchen supplies and bookcases and tools and pillows and storage units and loki hair to make this new place feel occupied.

i've taken to writing again. it's my secret that i am letting out.



Sunday, July 18th, 2004
Subject: Greenwood Heights.
Time: 5:47 pm.

I think we have it. We have it. But in saying that, I feel like I’m going to fuck it up. My glass isn’t half full nor is it half empty. It’s just empty. Why. We got it. I need to stop thinking about it. We will get the fax. And it will be over.



Saturday, July 17th, 2004
Time: 9:16 am.

theresa and andy are getting married today.



Friday, July 16th, 2004
Time: 9:47 pm.

i pulled into nazareth, was feeling about half past dead.
i just need some place where i can lay my head.

"hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?"

he just grinned and shook my hand, and "no" was all he said.

picked up my bag, went looking for a place to hide.
when i saw carmen and the devil walkin' side by side
i said: "hey, carmen, come on, let's go downtown."
she said: "i gotta go, but m'friend can stick around."

go down, miss moses, there's nothing you can say.
it's just old luke, and luke's waitin' on the judgement day.

"well luke, my friend, what about young anna lee?"

he said: "do me a favour, son, won't you stay an' keep anna lee company?"

crazy chester followed me, and he caught me in the fog.
he said: "i will fix your rack, if you'll take jack, my dog"
i said: "wait a minute, chester, i'm a peaceful man"
he said: "that's ok, just feed him when you can"

catch a cannon ball now, to take me down the line.
my bag is sinking low and i do believe it's time
to get back to miss fanny, you know she's the only one
who sent me here with her regards for everyone.

take a load off fanny.
take a load for free.
take a load off fanny,
and you can put the load right on me.



Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
Time: 7:03 am.

when did i become a morning person?