eighteen.

December 9, 2008 - Tuesday

logging thoughts.

I bought Ponaris Nasal Emoillent today, and it was like dropping liquid pine into my nose. I cannot wash away that slick oily feeling that has built up in the back of my tongue.
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As an English teacher I love words. But words have power. And some powerful words that I hate (when used in a negative way) are as follows: fag, dyke, gay, nigger, bitch, fat, and retard.

And maybe some people use these words in a way that empower, but I am not one hundred percent for the appropriation of words, even though people believe they are turning a “negative into a positive.” These words are (still) hurtful and base.
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I’m even a bad mother to my own dogs.
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I need a nap.
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Sometimes I don’t feel complete. What is missing?
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Insane Clown Posse. What the fuck. So bad.



December 8, 2008 - Monday

this is my blog...

for the writing challenge i have been given. some blogs items will be public, and others will be for my preferred list, and sometimes for myself.

6:00AM- i woke up thing about how i really don't have my own spaghetti recipe, and i'd love an easy one to modify and call my own. my mother has what i consider a really complicated recipe (perhaps the process is too long for my sometimes impatient self), which i have never even attempted to make. i eat sauce almost everyday, and it is always from a jar.

7:00AM - (recording) how am i going to write my thoughts down and drive at the same time? seven o'clock hits when i'm about halfway through my commute. and driving and writing don't mix. so i have a recording mechanism on my phone, so i'm going to utilize this application in the moments that writing can be unsafe.

8:00AM - i should be the poster child for vera wang. i would be her best marketing tool as i am wearing vera wang earrings, pants, and blouse.

9:00AM - miserably hungry, it is ridiculous! i didn't eat breakfast today. and i forgot to pack a lunch and snack. and the cinnamon pop tart i purchased from the vending machine i call 'el diablo' has made me even more hungry.

10:00AM - lunch, lunch, lunch. even though i don't have anything to eat, i welcome the break with a hot cup of coffee. i sort of dread lunch at the same time, because it is followed by my third period. and third period is the tenth grade. and tenth graders are ridiculous. i can feel an anxious knot growing in my stomach.

11:00AM - cyanide and happiness cartoons blow. and i'm wondering if it is because i'm old and my sense of humor is just different (or perhaps i am old AND crotchety). i love 'the perry bible fellowship' cartoons (http://www.pbfcomics.com/) and 'toothpaste for dinner'(http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/) but my students are not interested in my brand of online cartoon humor.

12:00PM - fun. third period is sometimes fun (even when they are bad). i should write a book on classroom management class. three rules: no throwing things, no touching, no running around. picture these commands on repeat. but no one listens. they are bad. but, they need to be goofy. perhaps i am guilty of being too flexible, too nice? they need to be goofy sometimes, right? pencil thrown: so what was their punishment? dance out the macarena! and they did without telling me to fuck off. every time they get in trouble, they are going to have to dance!

1:00PM - oh shit. progress reports (are due to tomorrow).

**note: i started working on them as soon as i wrote this down. which is good, because i forever procrastinate when it comes to grading. i'm a lousy teacher.

2:00 - (recording) there is this point in the mohawk river that seems so low. it is a point i can see from I890 in the scotia area. it is so low, i can see long arms of rock from each bank stretching out to reach each other, but they never connect, separated by a few yards (how big is a yard? i don't even know how to gauge it, except from the mental football field map in my head). if i walked down the river's bank, could i walk across the mohawk without drowning, without the water covering my head? how deep is the mohawk at its deepest point? how shallow is the river at its most shallow point? wikipedia? but, doesn't it always change with erosion?

3:00 - consumed with the writing challenge. this challenge is good for me. i complain about how all my thoughts are stuck in my head, and i want to be a writer! in my head, now on paper. the recording device will help me. progress report ugh. and, so hungry.

4:00PM - sitting, typing, listening, full. thinking of the work i have to do.

5:00PM - my toes are so cold, even wrapped up in tights and socks. i know they are purple.

6:00PM - tyler pooped on the floor and ate it. i smelled her poopy breath and wanted to cry. grading is awful. i'm glad i'm not in high school.

7:00PM - grandma is missing jeopardy and her bed time is fast approaching. when will the work end?

8:00PM - tired.

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food and drink and worst knock-knock joke ever!

kashi crunch!
coffee!
cranberry juice!
hummus and triscuits!
water!
pizza!
milk!
eggplant parmesan and angel hair!
white hot chocolate!

i wish i had some of that whipped chocolate cheesecake left! i'm hungry again.

knock, knock!














who is there?













oswald!













oswald who?!













OSWALD MY GUM!













bada dada doo-cha!
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for tracey.
Current mood: nostalgic

thank you for being a motivator and a new good friend.

okay, on the way home from a pretty dang good dinner at romano's (and a liquid refreshment break at dunkin donuts--i highly recommend the white hot chocolate, it is fabulous and will make you feel like a kid again) i heard bruce springsteen's cheesy new single "working on a dream" on wext 97.7. as cheesy as it is, i will always have a special place in my heart for bruce. he reminds me of being sixteen, sitting on my filthy pink carpet in my bedroom playing all of my dad's bootleg "bruce springsteen live in concert" cassette tapes. i would sit in my room and listen and cry.

there is just something about bruce's words that echo true in my own heart:

Out here the nights are long, the days are lonely
I think of you and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream

Now the cards I've drawn's a rough hand, darling
I straighten my back and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream

I'm working on a dream
Though sometimes it feels so far away
I'm working on a dream
I know it will be mine someday

Rain pourin' down, I swing my hammer
My hands are rough from working on a dream
From working on a dream

I'm working on a dream
Though trouble can feel like it's here to stay
I'm working on a dream
Our love will chase the trouble away

I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday

The sunrise come, I climb the ladder
The new day breaks and I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream
I'm working on a dream

I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday
I'm working on a dream
Though it can feel so far away
I'm working on a dream
And our love will make it real someday



December 7, 2008 - Sunday

this is not my real blog (regarding my myspace blog).

but sometimes i'll post things here that i would like to share with everyone. if you are interested in my real blogs, i'll share them with you if you are lucky!


<3,

me