six.

Sunday, February 15th, 2004
Subject: saturday.
Time: 11:09 pm.
Mood: scattered..
Music: cunninglynguists.

friday was fun. i can't say that fun has been apart of my life as of late, so it was a welcome change.

what was not fun was losing my phone. i remember sticking it in my bag before i left the apartment. when i returned around the time of three in the morning, i reached in my bag with the intention of texting a well wishing message, and the phone just wasn't there.

i told richie that i practiced good cellular phone manners on my outing. and maybe if i hadn't i would have known at some point (before three)that it was missing. so i trekked over to mona's and joey's and they don't have the fucker.

all day i've been trying to hone in my telepathic powers.

if you heard, in your mind, a knock-knock, it was me. let me in.

i do things sometimes until ad nauseum. like cleaning. or plucking out my white hairs. itching. tossing about in my bed. i do it until my jaw is so tense i get a headache and i want to puke all over my kicks. when did this all begin. will it ever end. i mean, it's hard to think of rainbows and candy and bunnies all the time.



Friday, February 13th, 2004
Subject: my hardest year.
Time: 3:42 pm.

fall filled with warafin. late arrivals to my acient greek seminar. bruised arms and tired eyes. a full load. a mainstage. a job. shit-fucks for roommates. january term filled with black text to white blank paper not wanting to be filled because of fear. a spring to finish that play. direct that play. set, light, sound design for another play. full course load. another mainstage. and filling last minute requirements.

i still got a 3.83 for that year.

when i called the mathematician in the registrar office today to sort out my individual year grade point averages, i started to cry a little. i re-lived that shit-year in a nanosecond separted by cellular phone static, three hunderd miles, and two years.

but somehow i got by, and for that i'm proud (which also made me cry a little).

so both are done. i sent the second in today. i will know the verdicts in two weeks. wish me luck.

also, my notebook is rad.



Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
Subject: one is done and sent.
Time: 11:27 pm.

the other, soon to follow.

seriously, who did the double-checking mathematics on my transcripts?

my train leaves at eleven tomorrow morning. i have a lot to do when i get back.

things i've learned:

that i am afraid of coy-dogs.

that denting out a jar of peanut-butter in two days is nothing compared to the dents i put into some fake sugar ben and jerry's pints in one hour.

that i really am a terrible driver.

that i have a whole lot to give, but i need to give a little to myself once and a while.

that mustard is not a good substitute for salad dressing.

that my mother wants to be a grandmother, badly.

that my brother is actually funny.

that i really do love new york city.

that i use the word that, a lot.

that i'd drop anything in a nanosecond for my mother.



Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
Subject: CATALINA MADELINA.
Time: 8:16 pm.

There was a girl, she had a funny name.
She got it from her pappy just the same, same, same.

Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.

She had twenty hairs on the top of her head.
Ten were alive and ten were dead.

She had two teeth in the front of her mouth.
One pointed north and the other pointed south.

She had two eyes in the front of her head.
One was yellow and the other was red.

Her ears stuck out like the sails of a boat.
Her adams apple wandered up and down her throat.

She loved to polish her finger nails.
She bought her polish in ten gallon pails.

The language she spoke was an awful joke.
Her head was made out of solid oak.

Catalina, Madalina, Lubinsteiner, Walenhimer, Hogan, Logan, Posgan, was her name.



Time: 11:17 am.

some of you are ridiculous.



Monday, February 9th, 2004
Subject: ©
Time: 9:54 am.

I HATE THE WORD

Consequence:

jutting black on
yellow-stained white
paper, like pepper
and salt, like you and
me.

(con) Sequ[i]n (ce):

reminds me of
the prom that I
always hated, you
in a black suit

acrid with your sweat,
your hand
on the ass of my
pseudo virginal jaundice
dress.

I should have slit
your throat then,
but my nails were so plastic
pretty, and I was
nice.



Sunday, February 8th, 2004
Time: 11:02 pm.

engine driver's headed north to pleasant stream.

these wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam.



Saturday, February 7th, 2004
Subject: i often feel like the person in the crooked finger's song broken man.
Time: 8:04 pm.

well, i am feeling better, and i'm fighting against this no motivation feeling. i'm blaming the winter, but it's all about the blahs. we all go through this.

so joe (finally) dropped off my poetry portfolio. i lured him with a beer or coffee e-mail. though we never met up. nor do i want to. but since he's been working on the house next to ours on kingsboro i figured he'd be (more of) a real asshole if he decided to conveniently forget to drop it off. but to my surprise he came through. me mum was shocked that jen didn't burn it, or urinate on it, or rip it to shreds. she's that kind of chick. for the longest time during my friendship with joe i was convinced that one day i'd magically disappear and would be found one day, decades later, buried in her folk's front yard. yes, she is that kind of girl.

today i also found out that the amsterdam dunkin donuts charges more for the great one than the one on houston street in new york city. what the fuck. i also found out that amsterdam is in possession of a store solely dedicated to bows and arrows, and appropriately the store is named bows and arrow. also, what the fuck.

i wrote this:

In a dream I was lusting after chocolate covered peanut-butter wafers
enriched flour
riboflavin
and partially hydrogenated soybean oil
In a not-dream my mother’s warm body was next to mine

and this (which is a part of the same poem):

like when I stare at a flashlight for too long
or when I glance at that torrent orb light
in the compressed archaic racquetball court at the gym

You were like a luminous protostar
evolving and
tracking
through my Hertzsprung-Russell gray matter
the nebulae of my memory
as if you were on your way to becoming a main sequence star
_______________

i've been thinking about you lately. no, not you. you.



Thursday, February 5th, 2004
Time: 10:20 pm.
Mood: accomplished.

a list:

house gut, check.
college chest gut, check.
portfolio plea, check.
arrear e-mail, check.
tax crap, check.
new laptop on back order, check.
change of life plan, check.

things are moving a long swimmingly. but it would be nice if you could (silently, if you'd prefer) wish me luck. shakiness is still in the future, i predict.



Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
Subject: Compaq Presario Notebook:
Time: 10:20 am.

Model 2100US Notebook

-Microprocessor Intel® Celeron® Processor - 1.6 GHz

-Hard Drive 30GB enhanced-IDE

-Memory 256 MB DDR SDRAM; Memory Max 1024 MB

-Memory Speed 266 MHz

-Total DIMM Sockets 2; available DIMM Sockets 1

-Second-Level Cache (L2) 128 KB (L2)

-Multimedia Drive DVD+CD-RW Combo; CD,DVD Rewritable Drive CD-read 24x; CD-write 8x; CD-rewrite 8x; DVD-read 8x

-Diskette Drive: NO

-Fax/Data Modem Integrated v.90/v.92 56 KB modem (RJ-11 connector)

-Network Integrated 10/100BASE-T Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 connector)

-Keyboard 87-/88-key, full-size with embedded numeric keypad

-Pointing Device Touch Pad with On/Off button and dedicated vertical Scroll Up/Down pad; Additional mouse included in-box.

-Sound 16-bit Sound Blaster Pro-compatible audio

-Speakers Internal stereo speakers

-Total Expansion Slots:1 Type II or III PC card slot; CardBus-enabled

-Total External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)

-Available External Ports: 2 Universal Serial Bus (USB); 1 Parallel (25-pin); 1 Serial; 1 PS/2 keyboard/mouse; 1 headphone-out; 1 microphone-in; 1 VGA (15-pin); 1 TV-Out (S-video); 1 RJ-11 (modem); 1 RJ -45 (LAN); 1 DC-in (AC adapter)
Video Graphics (AGP)

-ATI MOBILITYTM RADEONTM AGP 4X and 3D architecture

-Graphics Memory

-32 MB DDR SDRAM (shared)

-12.96" (L) x 10.72" (W) x 1.57" (H)

-75W AC adapter; 8-Cell Lithium-Ion

-Microsoft® Windows XP Home Edition

-Microsoft® Outlook Express 6.0

-Microsoft® Internet Explorer 6.0

-Microsoft® Fax Services

-Microsoft® Firewall

-SymantecTM Norton AntivirusTM 2002 90 days live update (on CD); Getting Started Documentation Suite.

-Intervideo WinDVD (DVD player)

-Roxio Easy CD Creator

-Microsoft® Works 6.0

-Quicken® Financial Center by Intuit (U.S. only)

-Microsoft® Money 2003

-Microsoft® Encarta Online Deluxe Encyclopedia - 1 year subscription

-Adobe Acrobat Reader 5.0

-AOL® 7.0

-CompuServe® 6.0

-Netscape 6.0


OH GOD, IT SOUNDS GREAT. I MIGHT GET A HOT LAP. BUT SHIT, DO YOU AGREE YOU NERDLY NERD NERDS? PLEASE HELP.

ALSO, FORGET ABOUT AN APPLE. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH.



Monday, February 2nd, 2004
Time: 8:19 pm.

there is the smell of cold winter air cut by burning brush, and the dizzying sight of a clear starry sky that makes my heart melt.



Subject: five hours at my old place on kingsboro.
Time: 4:33 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music: in my head: the cult. she sells sanctuary.

boy, my brother is a slob. and he listens to nu-metal. but i love him.

so i'm here partly to gain some sort of order in my life. and i'm heading in the right direction. hanging out at my old house is bitter-sweet. i get caught up in memory while sorting and cleaning and disposing. what would it be like to live here again? with trepidation, i think about how comfortable i would be here, teaching (after certification, in which i would have to enroll into school for) english and or drama at the high school. living in cheap-ass apartment with my forty pound female brindle boxer with natural ears and a docked tail. so close to my mother. christ she's a great woman. i just hate that part of me that is challenging my vehement opinion on settling.

but, i love new york. and my whims.

also on the table:

i've never traveled in a limousine.

and.

two cops on the milk box missing.



Sunday, February 1st, 2004
Subject: why did i leave?
Time: 7:23 pm.

erica: mom, what are you doing for valentine's day...it's on a friday you know?

mum: no, it's saturday and sunday.

erica: i thought the fourteenth was just one day.



Saturday, January 31st, 2004
Subject: this little funk.
Time: 8:10 pm.

is not giving one bit. so i've succumbed to reading with the voracity of a medievalist college freak waiting for his or her five ante meridiem alarm clock to sound. the call that beckons him or her to the barren field in front of the library, his or her wooden sword, and his or her flock of freak-ass friends waiting, rallying, for the morning joust.

you remember these guys right? you were one of these guys right?

so it's me and the livejournal, e-mail, and friendster. i'm cutting my ties with the superfluous nature of on-line circles. i'll keep nerve to amuse myself on those bleak and blah monday mornings. friendster, because i secretly want ms. lewis, my junior high and high school latin teacher of six years, to friendster me. and cher. i'm waiting for cher to friendster me. and i need this livejournal like a hole in the head, but i've become somewhat attached to it, in that it has been the only medium i have returned to, in regards to any documentation of my life and feeling, without reluctance. and i'm a secret lurker. let me be redundant.



Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
Subject: my belly.
Time: 11:20 am.

is expanding. thank you beer.

i need to get a computer so i can purge all my dirty little thoughts into microsoft word.



Monday, January 26th, 2004
Subject: and you know what else?
Time: 4:26 pm.

today would have been my father's birthday.

i feel old.



Subject: the short list of things i need or want and need to change. for my own reference.
Time: 3:51 pm.

rape. a love story. jco.
a facial.
a colon cleansing.
a tattoo on my left wrist.
the essential bruce springsteen.
guarapero: lost blues two. will oldham.
song cyclops, volume one. doleful lions.
time (the revelator). gillian welch.
wrecking ball. emmylou harris (i think this is the one).
bring on the snakes. crooked fingers.
things we lost in the fire. low.
the collector of hearts: new tales of the grotesque. jco.
haunted. tales of the grotesque. jco.
live in 1992. ac/dc.
a computer.
friends.
lyle lovett. my baby don't tolerate.
a female boxer around forty pounds with natural ears and a docked tail.



Friday, January 23rd, 2004
Subject: a wiser man than i once noted...
Time: 9:50 am.

there's nothing new about us.

sometimes i think about friends had and lost...it's lame...i just sit here and think about why i was friends with somebody, if i was really friends with somebody, why i'm not still friends with somebody, then it dawned on me.

relationships are about learning. taking and giving. we get ourselves into relationships, be they romantic, platonic, et cetera, to learn, to gain knowledge, to realize ourselves, our goals and our lives better. and once that resource is exhausted in somebody we move on and find the next person or set of people to draw from. it sounds shitty and shallow, but it's the truth. i've gone through countless friends over the years, but only a few have really stuck, and those are the ones i'm still learning from, be it about myself, or them, or some material and tangible thing like biology, or physics...these are the ones that last. it doesn't mean the other ones weren't important, because if they weren't important or dear, we wouldn't even think about them.

it just seems like all we can do is accept the fact that we've learned from somebody, we've taken what we can from them...and hopefully, we've in turn given back everything we could.

when the time is right, or when we're needed, or when we need them...they'll come around again.

i guess when it's all said and done we leave when there's nothing new.



Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Subject: thanks!
Time: 11:22 am.

i just wanted to say that i had a really nice time with mike and lou yesterday. eating w1ngz. and making fun of all you assholes.



Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
Subject: i tend not to make elaborate livejournal posts.
Time: 10:05 am.

and tend only to post when i'm close to, or brimful of blood (as some of you may know i am sans blood, dead, really, i mean, why am i so cold all the time). i guess i don't want you fuckwits (i use this term in an endearing way, dirtbags) to really know what's going on. i'd rather be seen as this whirling eclipse of peripheral emotion and being. and save the real emotion and being, and babble driven by this emotion and being for interaction beyond the textual realm. the other reason exists as a mere nagging upon my compulsive tendencies, and lack of confidence in anything i write. i'll type this out maybe three times. edit it four. and erase it eventually if i find too many typographical errors. i do this with most everything i write. as i'm sure a few of you might do as well. except for me, the process becomes agonizing. i wish the process didn't exist. it's a stutter-step. something that i even suffer through when i'm surfing through non-textual mediums. which is my catch twenty-two. i have all these things i want to say, and feel so unconfident in saying it all.

i refer to my behavior as broken.

what i need is some really strong glue. and a swift kick in bubble.