three.

Thursday, July 31st, 2003
Subject: i know that you lurk around once and a bit...
Time: 11:01 pm.

and i want to say thank you for being my friend. and after reading this you will sing the golden girl's theme song for the rest of the day.



Thursday, July 24th, 2003
Time: 11:06 am.

i have been going on dates.



Friday, July 11th, 2003
Subject: EVEN ON THE PHONE MY MUM...
Time: 4:02 pm.

CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN I'M DUE FOR MY PERIOD BY THE TONE IN MY VOICE.



Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
Subject: greetings.
Time: 11:51 am.

i feel settled.

i'm job hunting, so there is this gaping hole in my work life but everything else is pretty much alright. though this settling feeling is fulfilling, i still have these romanticized yearnings to flee to the middle of nowhere. i could bartend and write. plant tomatoes and cut myself off from the rest of this busy world. but i have plenty of time to fulfill that dream. am i really sixty-four?

are you where you want to be in life? if not, i suggest you change it.



Monday, July 7th, 2003
Subject: http://pisces.bubble.com/webstars/friend/friendForm.cfm
Time: 5:09 pm.

erica dow is mysterious and enigmatic; deep, perceptive, powerful, passionate and terribly, terribly sexy! The sentence above must be true because erica is a Scorpio and Scorpios as we all know are infamous for their interest in... well now, here's a funny thing. Despite what they say, Scorpios are not actually quite as wild and wicked as they are painted. erica has, it must be said, a very hypnotic appeal but what's truly mesmerising about erica is not her pout but her perspicacity. erica has an uncanny, almost spooky to see right through you. She can make you feel naked and exposed just by casting one meaningful glance in your direction. What she is looking at though, when she peers below the surface, is not your underwear but your underlying intention! "Where are you coming from? What are you up to? Can you be trusted? Are you going to tell the truth?" These are the questions that erica subconsciously fires out as soon as she sees you. Her inner radar never fails to provide her with the right answer. She is sensitive beyond measure, and it is partly to protect her own sensitivity that she scrutinises people so thoroughly.

There is another reason why erica dow is so keen to see into your soul: she needs to know how sensitive you are. She knows from long, bitter experience that not many people can take the kind of candour that she cannot help but dispense. erica is not a person to mince her words, hold back her opinions or shy away from taboo topics. She doesn't want to cause offence, nor does she want to waste her time, so she picks her confidantes carefully. All of which brings us back to where we began. If you are sensitive enough to appreciate erica's special qualities you will consider that there is something exceptionally sexy about her and she will feel the same way about you. So perhaps erica dow is living proof that it is true what they say about Scorpios after all.



Subject: sweaty.
Time: 5:06 pm.

and feeling less than pretty. and as i walked to kinko's, hairy ratty and no make-up, someone told me i was beautiful.



Saturday, July 5th, 2003
Time: 8:17 pm.
Mood: mellow.
Music: hot ninety-seven.

writing a letter i'll never send to you.



Friday, July 4th, 2003
Subject: tired.
Time: 10:21 pm.

today i stopped breathing on the r train.

three young ladies helped me out in my state of panic.



Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
Subject: paint fumes.
Time: 11:54 pm.

a-rocka came over and helped me paint. one more day and i'm done. holla.



Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
Subject: july.
Time: 10:42 am.

holy smokes.

i'm working on my day schedule. i went to bed and nine thirty last night, after i went to the grocery. today i got up at seven-thirty. ran two miles. harassed my health insurance company, called my mother and made breakfast.

in the next few hours i will by paint supplies for my room.

on another note. i met this kid dan on friendster. turns out his mum was my sixth grade teacher.



Sunday, June 29th, 2003
Subject: apparently, i am a geek.
Time: 3:16 pm.

1984, George Orwell
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
The BFG, Roald Dahl
Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
Bleak House, Charles Dickens
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
Catch 22, Joseph Heller
The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
Dune, Frank Herbert
Emma, Jane Austen
Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
The Godfather, Mario Puzo
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
His Dark Materials trilogy, Philip Pullman
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Holes, Louis Sachar
I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
Katherine, Anya Seton
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien
Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blighton
Magician, Raymond E Feist
The Magus, John Fowles
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
Middlemarch, George Eliot
Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
Mort, Terry Pratchett
Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
On The Road, Jack Kerouac
One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Perfume, Patrick Suskind
Persuasion, Jane Austen
The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen
The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
The Ragged Trousered Philantrhopists, Robert Tressell
Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret History, Donna Tartt
The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
The Stand, Stephen King
The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
Tess Of The D'urbervilles, Thomas Hardy
The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Twits, Roald Dahl
Ulysses, James Joyce
Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy
Watership Down, Richard Adams
The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame
Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne
The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte

100 Movies. Bold the Ones That You’ve Seen

Godfather, The (1972)
Shawshank Redemption, The (1994)
Godfather: Part II, The (1974)
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (2001)
Schindler's List (1993)
Citizen Kane (1941)
Casablanca (1942)
Seven Samurai (1954)
Star Wars (1977)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Momento (2000)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Rear Window (1954)
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, The (2002)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Usual Suspects, The (1995)
Amelie (2001)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
North by Northwest (1959)
Psycho (1960)
Silence of the Lambs, The (1991)
Angry Men (1957)
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)
Goodfellas (1990)
American Beauty (1999)
Vertigo (1958)
Pianist, The (2002)
Sunset Blvd. (1950)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
Matrix, The (1999)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Taxi Driver (1976)
Third Man, The (1949)
Paths of Glory (1957)
Fight Club (1999)
Boot, Das (1981)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
Double Indemnity (1944)
Chinatown (1974)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (2001)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
All About Eve (1950)
M (1931)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Raging Bull (1980)
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
Se7en (1995)
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000)
Wizard of Oz, The (1939)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Vita e bella, La (1997)
American History X (1998)
Sting, The (1973)
Touch of Evil (1958)
Manchurian Candidate, The (1962)
Alien (1979)
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
Rashemon (1950)
Leon (1994)
Annie Hall (1977)
Great Escape, The (1963)
Clockwork Orange, A (1971)
Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Sixth Sense, The (1999)
Jaws (1975)
Amadeus (1984)
On the Waterfront (1954)
Ran (1985)
Braveheart (1995)
High Noon (1952)
Fargo (1996)
Blade Runner (1982)
Apartment, The (1960)
Aliens (1986)
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Strangers on a Train (1951)
Modern Times (1936)
Shining, The (1980)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Duck Soup (1933)
Princess Bride, The (1987)
Run Lola Run (1998)
City Lights (1931)
General, The (1927)
Metropolis (1927)
Searchers, The (1956)
Full Metal Jacket
Notorious (1946)
Manhattan (1979)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
The Graduate (1967)



Subject: hey now.
Time: 6:21 am.

it's early. i just got home. maybe then, it's late?

this was my last day of work for awhile. it ended on a good note despite the fact that i've been over-tired and slightly cranky the last two days. they understand. i worked sixty plus hours this week. i should be tired. and cranky.

danny from sliver gave me a ride home. nice guy.

paul from the store down the street wants to take me to the lucinda williams and neil young show today. he's good friends with lu and pettibum so he's got the ins for the show. i don't know paul that well, and maybe i should since he has been stopping into my work six times a day for the last week and a half. the show would be rad to go to, but i don't want to give him the wrong idea. dig?

i like my roommate a lot. he's become a good friend. i got a postcard from him in the mail today. what a bird. he sent it just so i could get some mail.

i'm typing simples sentences. because i am tired. dick and jane. dick and jane. dick and jane.

my mum is visiting for the fourth.



Thursday, June 26th, 2003
Subject: i like when it's this hot. but i still have flannel sheets on my bed.
Time: 2:00 pm.
Mood: hot.
Music: lucinda williams.

so saturday is my last day and then i go on "vacation." i'm stoked. sort of. lately work hasn't been that bad. the money has been more than decent and i've met some really nice folks, sans the the old dude that comes in six times a day who wants to take me to neil young. he's harmless. but believe me, he's old enough to be my father.

the whole point of quitting is to start anew.

i'm a little scared, i must admit. this working odd long hours has kept me from feeling less lonely. i'm a little nervous to be thrust into a non-working life. i will need to keep my self busy by looking for new work and taking advantage of new york and this weather too.

inside my head. a broken record. thinking about the same things over and over and over.



Monday, June 23rd, 2003
Subject: why.
Time: 11:02 am.

neo hippies. old men. and co-workers. why.

and on another note, despite the fact that i do not have a lot of friends in new york city, i still have one very good one in boston. and even when we don't speak for months at a time, i know when i have a problem i can call him.



Friday, June 20th, 2003
Subject: two days off in a row.
Time: 5:01 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music: wilco.

holy hot shit. i like this day off business.

things on the shelf:

my sister is having a baby in august.
my mum might visit me for the fourth.
i don't like drinking anymore.
i need to use drills on a daily basis.



Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
Subject: day off.
Time: 10:56 am.

i was awake only for five hours. so i bought the new radiohead and some sugar free candy.



Monday, June 16th, 2003
Subject: okay.
Time: 3:17 pm.

in two weeks i will regain what people refer to as a life.

this morning i got home at eight in the morning. miguel and i sat on broadway and houston on a defunct fruit stand. inebriated he talked about his fear regarding his mother and cancer, his disintegrating relationship with his long-time girlfriend, social issues of peru and his famous father. he drank budweiser in a twenty four ounce can. i drank diet doctor pepper. i didn't really talk much. i just listened. we got food and sat in tompkins square park. across from the dog run. watched kids walking to school. people walking to work. early morning joggers.

it's all so appealing. this waking life.

i want to learn how to cook. to come home at five. to make dinner. watch the news. read the paper. call friends. hang out. be in bed by ten.

your monotony is what i long for.

sometimes i think too hard about being alone for the rest of my life.



Friday, June 13th, 2003
Subject: for stephen dobyns.
Time: 11:56 am.

heart wants

[these] fissures
[not] to be
saccharine saturated
with
metamorphosing ideologies.



Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
Subject: amazing.
Time: 1:13 pm.
Mood: sleepy.

walking next to the east river at six in the morning.



Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
Subject: hi.
Time: 12:39 pm.
Mood: rejuvenated.
Music: roots. the next movement.

i am weather obsessed. it's going to rain wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday. and how does this make me feel, right now, at this exact moment? completely joyous because i can put off doing laundry. the twenty pounds of dirty clothes can wait another couple of days for the wash rinse dry lovin' it deserves, and i can relax, run, run errands, err in using this beautiful sunny day by hanging out inside, writing and reading.

i went to queens yesterday. i found my beloved target. (theo, a mart, sans the k, in new york? holy hot snakes). i meandered around outer queens and thoroughly enjoyed myself, hitting up small kitschy stores buying odds and ends for the apartment: wooden place mats, oven mits.

i tried on bathing suits. that is another story all together. all i know is that i'd like to visit some beaches this summer.

also. i've been entertaining the idea of attending the atlantic this fall, part time, but the problem lies within the fact that they are not a "real" instituion in regards to accreditation. which means that i'd be spending my own money, with no relief of loan payments. i'd be better off at an accredited school, working towards an mfa.
right? right. i know.

target:

polka dot pajama bottoms
leave-in conditioner

i started reading this old oates book i found at a thrift store. and zizek's welcome to the desert of the real.

sorry for the typos.