four.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
Time: 1:35 pm.

i have to go to court tomorrow.



Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Subject: my grammar is broken.
Time: 9:52 am.

and i was leaving vim (the last stop on my sneaker pilgrimage) heading home via fourteenth street, and i ran into emme. she was walking by, talking on her cellular phone. she began to extend her arm in a passing wave way, i, the same. and then we stopped. it wasn't like we just had a lunch date and we left to run our respective errands and happened to fumble upon each other in the passing hour. we stopped because we hadn't seen each other in two years.

she looked better, healthier, still too slim, cropped hair, more fashionable. she filled me in on some details: jess was back in australia. david and mae were still together living in new york (good kids. i'll take it even farther by saying that i fancied david for two weeks after i met him. smart, laid-back, reminds me of a friend i have in washington, but david, as i remember him, wasn't nearly as attractive as the latter. and mae, nice girl, bright, with flaming red hair. now that i think about it, i wonder if anyone has ever questioned their relationship. they look like siblings). emme also informed me that she had grown quite close to alana. that alana was doing well with theatre. that alana was in new york as well and that we should all get together, the three of us, for drinks. and i kept thinking to myself, "who the fuck is alana? am i this senile?" she told me erin was back in brooklyn. she also said she would run into jen from time to time.

i could tell by her eyes, swallowing the stranger in front of her, that i was the one who had not changed. that i was the same. i and my situation hadn't changed. that i looked the same, and that i was still looking for/to the same things: work, theatre, graduate school. maybe i wasn't a stranger after all. like time, from when i was at the atlantic until now, had been on pause.

i have seen four atlantics in a week. what sort of sign is this? eh?

if we could fast-forward my paused life, you would have found me in front of my mirror with a pair of scissors, cutting away at the sameness. i cannot tell you that my hair looks any better, but i can tell you this: i need to change, something, anything, everything, something. and this is going to be my month.



Monday, September 8th, 2003
Subject: "That which we see in the bottom of our glass is most often dregs."
Time: 5:13 pm.

three hours of albee, three amazing plays (well, four if you want to detach box from mao). fifty cents. i love the library.



Thursday, September 4th, 2003
Subject: inanimate and animate.
Time: 4:14 am.

on one hand, i can count all the great loves i've had and lost in these twenty-three years.



Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
Time: 8:34 pm.

i can't stop thinking about upstate.



Monday, September 1st, 2003
Subject: also, i'm an aunt.
Time: 11:07 pm.

and the baby looks like me.

ironic.



Time: 3:46 pm.

i had weird dreams again. theo you were in it. something to do with american culture, picking a president or a band or artist that represents the united states. i was having a hard time finding new and interesting facts on george washington, so i was going to do a project on dave matthews (i remember navy poster board d stencils). i remember theo found me reebok pumps. in my dream they turned from white to black. there was a small child in the middle of the cafeteria like forum on american culture and he had jello molds of things reminiscent of the stonehenge and brassy upbeat french music was playing in the background.



Sunday, August 31st, 2003
Subject: i'm going to miss danny.
Time: 3:18 pm.

hazy green and grey room, hues of pink. living room party. children running around. the one i remember, blonde hair, bowl hair cut, diapers and a heather grey t-shirt. this song comes on, the one that goes "i've always been this way, never known any other way to feel..." and i look around the room, mouthing the lyrics and notice two other people singing along to the song.



Saturday, August 30th, 2003
Subject: aesthetically...
Time: 4:48 pm.

these cookies look spooky. maybe too many chips. but they taste fucking awesome. and yes, i should not be eating them.



Friday, August 29th, 2003
Subject: how you living biggie smalls.
Time: 9:54 pm.

my former friend joe called me this evening. and i understand why i stopped talking to him a year ago. he's fucking nuts.



Subject: i spent some money last night.
Time: 11:25 am.

and i had a wonderful time.



Thursday, August 28th, 2003
Time: 6:54 pm.

the problem is this: i have not left the house in three days. except to buy half and half.



Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
Time: 10:09 am.

i had a spooky science fiction dream in which three non humans hung from ropes. two of them had their faces cut into cubes. the the third horse like non human escaped by shimmying up the rope and busting through the drop ceiling. then the cats woke me up because they were hungry.

Research shows that most dreams are unpleasant. Violent dreams are relatively common and may be a reflection of the confusion and conflict that the dreamer experiences in daily life. Dreams with violent themes suggest that the dreamer has unconscious negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, and anger. If you are not dealing with these feeling consciously, your dreams are compensating and bringing into awareness the need for honest reflection and emotional balance in daily life.

The horse is a noble and powerful animal. As a dream symbol it can represent a wide range of positive thoughts and ideas about self or others. Depending on the details of the dream, horses can symbolize freedom, power, and sexual energy. At times, they can also be considered messengers, relaying information from the unconscious to the conscious, from the spiritual to the physical. If you are horseback riding it suggests that you are self-assured and feel a sense of control in your daily life. Old dream interpretation books say that the color of the horse is also significant. (Remember that this is based on superstition.) Black horses are said to point out delays; white horses reinforce the positive and transformative aspects of life; gray horses may point to the difficulties in the dreamers current situation; piebald horses are symbolic of confusion; brown horses are associated with mental pursuits; tan horses are said to be symbolic of love and sex.

Occasionally, people will have drams about UFO's and aliens. What these dreams symbolize collectively or individually is difficult to explain and understand. Meeting and talking to aliens may suggest that significant changes are coming into your life and, at the moment, things feel strange and foreign to you. If you dream that you are the alien, it suggests that you may feel detached from some parts of yourself and from others. You may be a stranger in your immediate surroundings and some self-evaluation and familiarization is suggested.

This dream suggests that the dreamer is losing control. In a decapitation there is a dramatic and violent separation of the head from the body. Under normal circumstances the mind controls and directs the body. This dream suggests that the dreamer may be under the control of his bodily drives and may be separated from rational thoughts and feelings. Disassociation may be occurring in regard to some behavior or issue in life. However, this dream may have other meanings. This includes excessive concern about punishment and indicates that there may be severe pressure and anxiety in the dreamer's life.

Going upward, or ascending, is always a positive dream symbol. Whether you are struggling on a difficult rope or ladder or walking up an easy slope, this dream suggests that you are moving in the right direction. If the climb in your dream is extremely difficult, it may be pointing to some obstacles that you need to overcome before reaching your goals. Consider all of the details in your dream, and if you recently completed a difficult task, achieved a goal (e.g. graduating), this dream may be reflective in nature.

The number three always has to do with commitment and as such it should be placed in the I Need column. It stands for mind, body and spirit and is a request to commit yourself, mind body and spirit, to improving yourself in the direction indicated in the dream. The number 3 will often appear in dreams about the heart as people who have closed off their heart to others often lack commitment. A triangle or pyramid also indicate commitment and request the dreamer to meditate on the subject matter of the dream.

Grey colors, meaning: uncommitted, uncertain - ‘grey area’. Mental denial of emotion, depression.



Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
Subject: also.
Time: 7:07 pm.

not working is making me clinically insane.



Subject: on the subject of journaling.
Time: 5:45 pm.

i rant in this thing oftentimes when i am either menstruating or pre-menstrual.


someone buy me a computer. i want to work on my play more.



Time: 3:00 pm.

hi bret.



Sunday, August 24th, 2003
Subject: i want to name my kid:
Time: 3:57 pm.

petit.

middle name, prince.

i might hold onto dow. memoria technica.



Thursday, August 21st, 2003
Time: 10:04 am.

david cross is stalking me.



Monday, August 11th, 2003
Subject: i am feeling better...
Time: 2:18 pm.

but i'm still an idiot.

also: i have a lot of flaws.



Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
Subject: who needs to take better care of themselves?
Time: 1:58 pm.

the doctor told me:

that i am dehydrated.
that i have a bladder infection.
that i have a sinus infection.

also: i am menstruating so i feel as awkward as a twelve year old right now.